Tougher than a Vulture

My grandmother was tougher than a vulture. She proved this one day at the Winnipeg Zoo when an escaped bird waddled towards us. Dispassionately looking at us with his grey eyes he did nothing at first but then grasped onto her purse with his beak causing her to react by kicking her foot towards him and scaring him off.

She was raised to be this tough. As the oldest child, she left school at a very young age in order to work so she could help support her family. She married a man she did not love because she wasn't considered “good enough” by his family to marry his cousin. She endured an abusive marriage until she was finally able to escape, go back to school, become a nurse, and raise 6 of her 7 children by herself. Lastly, she worked successfully until retirement and died independently living in her own home at the ripe old age of 88.

Sounds inspiring doesn’t it?

Sadly, her achievements came at a cost — leaving her bitter, spiteful, manipulative, and vindictive towards others. Here’s the legacy I will always remember:

• She tried to turn me against my father because he was German, Catholic, and (worst of all in her mind) A MAN.
• She threatened one of her grand-daughters and ruined her ability to progress scholastically.
• She verbally abused her elementary school aged grandson, consistently calling him worthless, because he didn’t perform tasks to her satisfaction.
• She would threaten to disown you for not towing the line and would give you the silent treatment until she needed something from you then “all was forgiven”.
• She was a heavy gossip constantly talking about people behind their back. Things dealt with years before could and would be used against you if she felt like it.

What has this legacy led to?

• Her children are still fighting over her estate more than 11 years after she died.
• The older children in the family were parentified since they had to take care of their younger siblings leading to division.

• Cattiness is the dominant emotion instead of love at family gatherings.
• Multiple generations of addicts — alcohol and tobacco are the most popular.
• Bright business people who can no longer carry out a coherent conversation because of alcoholism.
• The willingness of one child to cancel the life insurance on a cancer survivor resulting in them having to wait several years before they can apply again. (As a former life insurance agent — that is a low move.)
• The unwillingness to say “I’m sorry” when they are wrong because “what about all of the times they have hurt me?”
• The willingness to make yourself look good by taking credit for things you did not do.

I look at this legacy and I am trying to reject it. I don’t want to be tougher than a vulture because I have witnessed the pain it brings. I also realize though that I too do some of these things — mainly the silent treatment — and don’t consider how it affects those I love.

It will be an uphill battle but hopefully one day my inner vulture will soften.