To Hell and Back

I had to walk through hell.

I had to face every monster, every demon, everything that ever scared me. I had to face them all. Then I had to destroy them.

It took a lot of courage. It took everything in me to survive.

Each step harder than the last. Each one more tiring. Heavier. Even more daunting. Each challenge worse than the others, making it harder to believe that I’d ever make it to the other side.

And then one day I did.

It happened in my mind first. In my heart. In the place where I knew that everything was about to be alight.

The journey had been worth it.

Worth the fight.

Worth every hard and horrible thing I had to endure.

There was nothing like finally being free. Something that I believe everyone deserves.

But it did cost a lot.

It cost everything in fact.

No one losses that much and survives.

There were times I had to face darkness, just to extract small bits of light.

I refused to give up.

I refused to die in the dark pits of hell alone.

That was not my fate.

No. HELL No.

I deserved better.

***

After escaping all the hell they put me through, I had to begin again.

I had to rebuild my life. But first, I had to rebuild myself. I had to let old parts of me go. Even the parts that I liked, I had to look at those parts with new eyes.

It wasn’t just betrayal. They had stole from me, lied on me, gaslit and manipulated me. They did horrible things and tried to frame me for them. They had sinister plans to end me. They tried it. They made deals with demons and partnered with the devil. They did every horrible thing they could think of. And when they were done, they had taken it all. All I had spent years accomplishing. Then they set out to erase me.

I REFUSED to be erased.

So, I had to rebuild myself stronger. Wiser. Less tolerant.

I had to heal AND rebuild.

And I refused to let go of the parts of me that care. I refused to let my experiences turn me cold. I knew there had to be another way to heal and bounce back.

It was painful.

Hard to see.

How my choices to be kind or do the right thing had gotten me into bad situations.

That’s when I had to dig deeper.

Look further at all my life. All my choices.

Luckily, I had already been doing inner healing, from years of narcissistic abuse.

Each betrayal unraveled the truth.

I had to look at the good, the bad and the ugly.

That was how I arrived at the desire to be unchanged by the pain. The core of me unchanged. My ability to love and care about people. About humanity. About justice and freedom. About truth.

How do you rebuild stronger, wiser, less tolerant, if you can’t shed that part of you?

This was the silent core of my inner struggle.

That was until I had ventured through hell. AND faced all the devils.

Then I was absolutely certain that I could be both. I was already both. It’s how I’d survived.

Strong, fierce, resilient AND kind and empathetic. In fact, that’s what makes me strong.

Knowing that at every turn, every horrible thing I had to survive. Every betrayal, each loss. I know that I acted with grace and integrity and no matter how much bullshit they sent my way, I NEVER became the cold calculated monster that they are.

The monsters in hell had been monsters in my dreams. The demons in hell, were the same demons that tried to make me think I had no worth. The ones that made me believe that I didn’t deserve love. That I didn’t deserve respect. That I didn’t deserve to be treated right. Those demons that tried to derail me anytime that I accomplished anything important. Tried to sabotage all my hopes and dreams. Belittled me to crush my confidence, especially when it mattered most. The devil was no match for God, or any Archangel.

That was where they had truly gone wrong.

I was on a mission. A heavily protected mission.

Walking through hell, now escorted by archangels.

My character proceeded me.

The angels had come to protect me.

They walked with me. They protected me as I faced every level of hell. Defeated all the monsters. Slayed all the demons. And faced down the devil. Made him run for his life.

Angels above me as I walk through the flames. Courage and determination to survive.

No turning back.

No giving up.

As I neared the place where I escaped, I realized that I was indeed protected and one day, I would be free. And they’d never be free. They created hell to punish me for just wanting to live and the hell that they created, they’d never escape.

It didn’t matter what they said, or thought, or who believed what. I knew the truth.

And I was no longer in hell.