Time For ME

My life has been nothing but a roller-coaster ride. From almost passing away as an infant, to recently leaving my abusive husband. I had meningitis at 15 years old. I had at least 4 surgeries to correct the hearing in my left ear (which never happened). As I've gotten older, I've been diagnosed as bi-polar, severe anxiety and depression. I had braces as an early teenager only to have most of my baby and adult teeth extracted when I got older due to them cracking and breaking from the medications I had been put on to control my mental health. For years and years, I suffered from horrible menstrual cycles to the point where I took myself to the emergency room because I had lost so much blood. Always tired and not feeling any energy led me to Texas Oncology where I have been diagnosed as having severe anemia, b12 and iron deficiencies. I've had to have 2 iron infusions as well as one iron in-fed. I get b12 shots every month. And my levels are still not normal. I even got a bone marrow biopsy to see if I possibly had lupus. Thankfully, the test came back negative. So, what do I have? I have an auto-immune disorder and Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 2. All while this is going on, my husband kept pushing me and pushing me to do things I didn't want to do. Like be around people. I have my days where I just don't want to deal with anyone. It's not that I don't like them, it's just how I take a step back to let my mind clear. I love to listen to music. He would get mad cause I didn't want to watch T.V. with him. T.V. was not my thing, unless it was America's Funniest Home Videos. On top of that mess, my dad has Alzheimer's Disease and was living in a veteran's home near us, but he had to be transferred to another facility upstate. It takes almost 4 hours to go visit him. And usually after about a half hour or so, he's ready for us to go cause he is tired. He is actually my step-dad, since my biological father left me and my mom when I was 3 and wasn't really a part of my life until after I had turned 21. So all my life I felt unwanted and unloved even though my "dad" treated me and loved me as if I was his blood daughter. So I grew up with a lot of hatred and resentment towards men. How could my biological father not want me? If my own father didn't want me, why would any other man want me as I got older? I was physically and mentally abused by one of my ex-boyfriends who was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. I was with him for four years until he landed in jail again, and I left while he was locked up. My next boyfriend is someone I met while attending day-therapy for my mental health. He was also an alcoholic, and I should have known better than to hook up with someone who's in the same predicament I was in mentally. We moved to Texas from New York State to live closer to my mom and try to save our relationship, but it did not work. We got him a bus ticket back to NYS and I tried to move on with my life. About a year later, I met my now-husband. He was great at first, as they all are. He was an alcoholic too, but he made me laugh and I felt protected when he was sober. It was only after he did 6 months in jail for child support that he got worse. He would yell at me for stupid little things. He would pick on me for everything I did. If I tried to cook dinner, he would tell me what to do as if I had no clue what I was doing. He had a rough life also having lost his dad at a young age to suicide. He harbored anger issues too. I tried and tried so hard to keep the peace and married him in the hopes that he would realize I wasn't the enemy anymore. That lasted just 2 years. About two months ago, he was on a drunken rage, smashing his forehead against the shower doors and threatening me. I finally had had enough. While he was on the toilet throwing a temper tantrum, I thought quick and decided I wanted out. Bad. So I grabbed and stuffed my 4 cats into two carriers and left. About a half hour later, he calls me asking me why I left and that he didn't know what he had done. Sadly, years and years of the same stuff built up to the point where I knew if I didn't take this chance to leave, I never would. Or he wouldn't let me. I went to my mom's house that night and I have not gone back. Suddenly he realizes he can't live without me and wants to do anything I tell him to. I told him to be there for his daughter and granddaughter. He threatens to kill himself. I told him that is selfish. I tried and tried for many years to try and make our relationship work. But I was left feeling empty inside and not good enough for him and maybe that's why he always got mad at me. No. It was not me. It was him. This whole time. I, to a certain level, do love him, but I can't tolerate any more of the abuse. It has not been easy on me either to leave him. After all, I married him. I broke down crying on the way to work last week because I felt bad for leaving him, like my father left me. But I had to finally say enough is enough. And it was hard. I don't like hurting people. That's not my nature. But that night he had his tantrum, I had never felt so much fear in my life. So now, it's my turn to be happy. I deserve it.