Thoughts Worth Writing

A long time ago, I met a man in a small country bar. This is his story. It’s about love and heartbreak.

*

“Five years together and even after I forgave Evie for cheating on me she left again. I thought we moved on from the whole cheating thing, but now with her gone again the whole thing just makes me sick. That’s what I mean when I say love hurts.”

His name was Luke and his eyes gleamed in either bourbon or tears, either way, they gleamed a sparkling blue amid the dark dingy bar lamp. He was handsome, but didn’t know it; shy and soft-spoken. He drew me in and I wanted to know everything about him.

When I returned from the restroom, he pulled my barstool out and pushed it back in for me. He lit my cigarette and told me how he would pull his truck over on the side of the road every spring and pick wild flowers for his ex-wife. I wanted that.

“Ya know what,” he said, “I don’t think she ever thanked me once.”

The look of defeat on his face just made him more handsome. He had a slight 5 o’clock shadow that suited his vulnerable state and his plump lips made his voice sound softer despite his tenor bravado. His slight southern draw became more apparent the more he drank and I didn’t realize at first, but it was soothing to my country-toned ears. He reminded me of home.

“She never cared once,” he said. “I don’t know. I think she had me wrong from the beginning. She was always accusing me of cheating which really just made me question her own faithfulness. I loved Evie and I would never cheat on her or anyone that I loved.”

I felt sorry for Luke. He was sad and lonely sitting in the bar by himself. I was just stopping by after meeting my boss for dinner, but was pleasantly surprised he was taking a liking to me. I enjoyed listening to him after a night with colleagues.

“So you didn’t do anything wrong to make her leave?” I asked.

“Ya. I have fucked up many times and I am not denying that. I’m sorry, but why is it that I have to forgive her, but she can never do the same for me? I had to forgive her for freaking out and breaking my favorite gun scope, destroying our house one time, and sleeping with another man.”

I could tell he was getting flustered and I felt bad for prying.

“I’ll never forget the day I found out about her affair either. While she was storming out she knocked over a candle spilling wax all over the new rug and slammed this book into my chest like a psycho.”

“A book? What book? What was it?”

“It was just some journal. Knowing what she knew about my own abandonment issues she thought it would be good for me to write down my thoughts. She was just mocking me. My feelings never even played into her thoughts once, so what do I need to write down? I never even opened it cause she told me what it was and it just reminds me of her cheatin’. I remember the exact day too because it was the same day I won the lottery,” he took another long swig of his beer, “I can’t believe I’m even telling you this. I’ve never told anyone.”

“No way! How much? Well, you told your wife, Evie, right?” I asked.

He took another long chug of his beer and pretended to watch the hockey game on TV.

“No. It was a typical Monday morning. I got up at 4:30 in the morning, kissed my wife goodbye, and stopped at Citgo for my weekly lottery scratch-off and morning coffee. I knew I’d win some day, that’s why I played, but I definitely didn’t expect it that day. After taxes I think it was about $20,000 and, no, I never got a chance to tell Evie. She stormed out that day before I could tell her and why would I tell her now or when she decided to come back? She wouldn't have cared anyways. When we first started dating I told her I’d give her my truck and $1,000 to get her car fixed, but she refused. She said she didn’t feel comfortable taking money from me and would rather borrow money from her friends. Hence, why I never told her about the Jack Pot winnings. Why would I share that kind of information if she could replace me so easily? She never cared.”

Luke told me how he did very well financially as a foreman over at Jack’s Lumber and how Evie did ok in the teachers’ union. I don’t think money was ever the issue.

“I just thought it would be great we could finally take that trip to Australia and maybe sell our little house and move into one of those big tudors she liked. But she was always accusing me of talking to my ex when I wasn’t. I never understood her.”

Luke then waved for the bartender to close him out and I was bummed he was leaving. Something about the way he spoke to me and his unpretentious way of moving made me want him even more. I couldn’t help fantasizing about Luke picking flowers for me off the side of the road. He was so handsome and sweet. I was smitten.

“Thanks, Lisa!” he said to the bartender as he threw down cash for his tab and paid for mine. He didn’t even ask, but I appreciated the gesture. He left a hefty tip for her so I could tell he was a generous guy. “Do you want to come over for a drink? I wouldn’t mind the company and it’s nice to finally be able to just talk to someone,” he asked.

I agreed and with my tab already paid for, I slammed the rest of my beer and gathered my purse. As I followed him out the bar everyone waved good-bye to us as he opened the door for me and then my car door. He was such a gentleman. The whole way following him back to his house, only about two miles, I was nervous and excited. It was something about his vulnerability, deep voice, and sad eyes that just had me sold.

When we arrived at his house he made us a couple Jack and Cokes. I’m not really a whiskey drinker, but I figured I’d just sip it. He turned on the country station and started singing along with Cody Jinks - one of my favorite country singers.

I was kind of hoping he would make a move, but he didn’t. He gave me a quick tour of his house and then asked me if I was hungry and started making a sandwich for us to share. I remembered he was a gentleman and it was such nice change of pace from the usual assholes I usually dated. Wait - were we dating? Well, not yet, but hopefully soon.

After about ten minutes, Luke excused himself. He had to run next door to feed the neighbors cat. I guess they were out of town for about a month so I sat there on the sofa looking around his living room soaking him up. Luke was a guy who liked hunting and taxidermy. From the pictures in the frames, Luke liked his family and had a brother and close friends. Luke liked cowboys, horses, and had a really great eye for southwest decor.

I picked up a little black book off the coffee table monogrammed E.R.S. which I assumed was Evie’ initials. When I opened it I realized right away it was her journal, but couldn’t help to take peek. I wanted to know who this horrible woman was. I skimmed through a few pages.

*

July 18, 2001

Some things are fate and so are some people. I love Luke so much and he calls me beautiful every day.

August 2, 2003

So it wasn’t the great love of my life. My wrist is definitely fractured.

Feb 5, 2003

Luke and I have been broken up now for two weeks. The lying just won’t stop. I feel very heartbroken and like I fucked up. I love him and for whatever I have done I am sorry.

Feb 8, 2003

Talked to Luke yesterday and we made up. I love him so!

Feb 18, 2003

Couldn’t make it one week without Luke getting mad. Spent V-Day together, cooked steaks, said I felt like he didn’t care about our relationship and got the same old shit from him. This is going nowhere, again.

November 19, 2004

I do love him. I feel responsible for my own shit. But I’m sorry - I can’t settle for less.

September 23, 2004

Luke and I are done. We did not go on vacation. He lied again about some girl who is now his girlfriend. I loved Luke. I’d like to stop questioning myself whether he is abusive. He is and it was. I know he won the lottery too. Don’t care - no money in the world could make me stay. Keep the money. I love him, but I can’t anymore.

Shocked, I placed the little black book back down onto the coffee table in the exact position I found it. I felt guilty reading it and I wondered why Luke even had it. Evie had moved out months ago and this was her personal journal.

When Luke returned from the neighbors he looked at me and smiled. I was a little nervous now, but not in the same butterfly way I was before. He picked up his drink and sat next to me, brushed my hair out of my face and said, “Wow. You are so beautiful.”