This Is the Hottest Trait a Man Can Have

I met Seb at 1:30 p.m. on a Tuesday at a Starbucks.

Even stone-cold sober and in broad daylight, he was sweet, charismatic, and hilarious. Scientifically speaking, research shows that women look for kindness and personality on first dates (yes, more so than physical appearance), so this dude was off to a great start.

But nice, funny guys aren’t that rare — especially not in the beginning when everyone’s putting their best foot forward.

In the hundreds of dates I’d been on during my single years, I’d met plenty of nice, funny guys. No, I was looking for a much more elusive quality; something Seb hinted he was capable of when he’d asked about my schedule and looked up nearby coffee houses, but I had to be sure.

I wasn’t going to make this mistake again.

Two weeks later (once I was relatively confident he wasn’t a stalker or a serial killer), I had him over for dinner. I made chicken parm and broccoli. After a quick tour of my little bungalow, we sat down to eat.

The second his plate was empty, Seb was at the sink

None of this “Is there something I can do?” or “Do you want me to help?” or “Where’s the sponge? Wait, this one? Is this the soap I should use?”

He just. fucking. did it.

He used the eyeballs in his head to determine what needed doing, the brain in his skull to figure out how to do it, and the hands attached to his arms to get it done.

I broke my stare long enough to whip out my phone and text my friend, who knew Seb had made it to the pivotal Chicken Parm Test. “He just got up and started washing the dishes.”

“You marry that man right now,” she texted back.

It’s almost three years later, and I plan to.

I wanted a guy who knew how to take initiative

Please note: I am not talking about initiating sex, or being overly pushy when hitting on women in bars, or insisting that you’re the “alpha” of the household.

That’s manosphere horseshit, and I’m not about it.

I’m talking about a man who simply steps up to help his partner, no questions asked. (Pro tip: “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” does, in fact, count as a question, regardless of the punctuation.)

I own a house. I love my job and make good money. I have incredible friends and a pretty cute dog. My life is already chock-full of wonderful things — so in order to let a man into said life, he needed to be a genuine asset to it.

He’d have to ease my burdens with competence, reliability, and thoughtfulness — not add to them with a child-like dependence.

In other words, I’m an intentionally kid-free woman who doesn’t want to be anyone’s mommy, least of all my husband’s.

Unfortunately, initiative is still considered a “feminine” trait

Especially when it comes to planning, childcare, and chores.

Research on heterosexual relationships shows that even when both partners have jobs, women still take on the bulk of domestic responsibilities. Even more exhausting is the mental load: the invisible and often unappreciated effort it takes to anticipate everyone’s needs and work around everyone’s schedules.

Why don’t more men step up and tackle these tasks?

A 2022 study explored something called affordance perception — “the perception of possibilities for action in one’s environment.” Basically, men and women often perceive their environments differently; while men see a space the way it is, women see a space the way it should be.

Take a dirty kitchen, for example.

A woman looks at it and sees a sink that needs to be emptied, cans that need to be recycled, and crumbs that need to be swept. A man may notice the sink, cans, and crumbs — but they don’t necessarily register as tasks that require action.

Then the question becomes: Why the hell not? Why can’t most adult men see a mess, mentally categorize it as such, and take the initiative to clean it?

In my humble opinion (and the not-so-humble opinion of experts who know better than me), it’s not about brain structure or biology.

Men and women differ due to cultural conditioning

As soon as little girls are old enough to walk, we’re taught that our purpose on earth is doing things for other people.

We’re gifted baby dolls to nurture, mini kitchens with plastic food, and fake vacuums for practice. We learn how to glance around a room and anticipate the needs of everyone in it. Parents are more likely to make their daughters do chores and adhere to higher behavioral standards, whereas their sons get free passes because “boys will be boys.”

Maybe in the 1950s, that was acceptable.

Back then, husbands overwhelmingly won the bread while wives overwhelmingly baked it. But in modern America, women now make up half of the workforce. Why are we still raising our boys as if vacuums require a Y-chromosome override?

Surprise, surprise: My boyfriend was not raised that way.

Seb was raised by a single mother from Guatemala. She had three boys and zero girls, and while she was working around the clock to put food in their mouths, her sons were preparing meals, washing dishes, folding clothes, and mopping floors.

“Boys will be boys” was not a valid excuse in their household, so as far as Seb is concerned, it’s not a valid excuse now.

As a feminist, I don’t swoon often, but that’ll do it.

It’s extremely sexy when a man shares domestic responsibilities

And I’m not the only woman who thinks so.

A groundbreaking study found that the more chores a man does, the higher his partner’s sex drive. On the other hand, the less men contribute to household responsibilities, the less likely they are to get some.

Why? Their wives are stressed, exhausted, distracted, and pissed off.

Women now initiate almost 70% of divorces, and according to experts, the unequal distribution of labor is the number one reason why. Over and over again, couples counselors and divorce lawyers hear, “I just want him to figure out what needs to be done and do it.”

The morning after the Super Bowl, I was scrolling through TikTok when I saw a video of a filthy kitchen. The caption said something to the effect of, “It was supposedly my husband’s party, but I did all the cooking, hosting, and cleaning. Just once, I want to feel like we’re equal partners.”

I opened the comments section and read through them one by one.

Hundreds of women expressed the same sentiment:

“Mine acts less like a parent and more like one of our kids.”

“I’m so sick of the weaponized incompetence.”

“And then they ask why we’re so stressed.”

“Next year I’m booking a girls trip and waiting for the panicked call that the fridge is empty.”

“My life has been so much easier and more peaceful since I got divorced. Highly recommend.”

My heart broke for these women while simultaneously filling with gratitude that I’d found a capable needle in the patriarchal haystack.

Seb doesn’t give a shit about football — but if he did, I’m confident in his ability to plan and execute his own Super Bowl party. In our day-to-day life together, he shops for groceries. Keeps his stuff organized. Preps the house for company. Tackles a mess without someone having to point it out.

Turns out the hottest thing a man can do isn’t in the bedroom; it’s in the kitchen, with a sponge, without being asked.