The Worst Thing I've Done

I generally consider myself a kind and selfless person when it comes to anything. I'm the type of person to rather keep my plate full over another's if I could help it. I've always hated the idea of burdening others or inconveniencing them, and so I've always kept my issues to myself and have always made sure to treat others with kindness.

However, I had an inevitable human moment, where I didn’t even consider any of those aforementioned things. It was a good night with my boyfriend and we were going through some of our older pictures together on his phone to reminisce about our relationship–– it was only mere days before our 1 year anniversary. We then come across an old screenshot of a conversation from a dating app with a girl he was friends with from high school. I remember thinking, “It’s just a little lie.” I didn’t want to start anything because it had been a good day and I didn’t want to ruin it. But I just kept fighting with myself internally. “A lie is a lie nonetheless.”, I remember thinking. Long story short, he didn’t mention the extent of their past relationship to me because he didn’t think it was a big deal. Then I got angry, insecure, and impulsive.

The worst thing I had ever done was message this girl from my boyfriend’s phone and calling her a fat ugly pig. In that quick moment of rage I had felt, I didn’t think of the consequences of my actions because the only thing I could think of was trying to find a way to relieve the heavy frustration in my chest. As soon as I sent that message, I had regretted it. I remember feeling my face heat up and my heart dropping from the embarrassment and guilt. I didn’t know what that girl could possibly had been going through. What if I had made her situation worse? I couldn’t even imagine what it would feel like if a girl I didn’t even know messaged me something like that unprovoked out of nowhere.

I remember feeling so stunned about my actions that I had just sat there staring at the wall thinking about what I had just did. My heart couldn’t stop racing that it almost hurt. In the meantime, my boyfriend was profusely apologizing for the both of us to the girl as she had seen the message. She had decided to post screenshots of the conversation on social media and it had spread like wildfire.

At this point, I was experiencing an overwhelming number of emotions. People were initially blaming my boyfriend as the message was sent from his account and bashing his character before realizing it wasn’t him. And this filled me with so much more guilt, I couldn’t even look into my own boyfriend’s general vicinity.

I had finally worked myself out of my stupor and opened my phone to apologize to the girl. I soon find that she had already messaged me herself, going on an angry–– and rightfully so, tangent about projecting my own insecurities onto others. I poured my heart out in my apology to her about my blatant ignorance and how she shouldn’t take it personal as there was no truth in it because I didn’t even know her.

She never replied.

The rest of that night, I had spent crying over my selfishness and stupidity. My selfless-forgiving boyfriend kept trying to comfort me and saying that if he hadn’t lied, it wouldn’t have happened. Obviously, that wasn’t true as what I had done was so very unnecessary. I didn’t need to do any of that. A simple, private conversation with my boyfriend about the issue would’ve sufficed. I beat myself mentally that whole night. I remember thinking that this night was what was going to define me as a person for the rest of my life and that I would never be able to move on from it. My anxiety was through the roof.

The next morning, I knew that I had a whole list of responsibilities I needed to do but I had felt so unmotivated. All I kept thinking about was the night before. My mind couldn’t stop racing. I would try and distract myself with things to do, but because I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even finish one task. If I tried to sit and do nothing, my anxiety and guilt haunted my mind–– and it hurt too much to think about it.

That day, my friend was driving back to college and needed her car charger back after I had taken care of her after her wisdom teeth procedure. She had been texting me all day about when we should meet and that I could come over her parent’s for dinner as they had missed seeing me around. I told her that I could meet her at 4pm, but wanted to meet her outside because I needed to talk to her about something. Just thinking about seeing her parents–– or anyone else really, was tough to think about because I couldn’t face anyone after what had happened.

My friend then asks me what had happened and so I tell her everything. The whole night prior, the rollercoaster of anxiety I was feeling, everything. She talked me through everything, easing my anxiety. She then goes on to tell me to take a mental break day, and that I didn’t need to bring her charger back today.

This small action of generosity may seem like nothing to most people, but it had meant so much to me in that moment of time. She had a long 7 hour drive ahead of her and despite the need to keep her phone alive during her drive, she had put what I had needed over hers.

And I did take a mental health break that day. I reflected over a lot of things that day and it was something I needed. Over time, my anxiety about the whole event subsided and I had forgiven myself for my faults.

Thank you, Isha.