The Wonders and Wounds of Older Dating

Emerging from a defunct marriage and the subsequent years of single parenting was daunting enough. As I assessed myself in the mirror, I realized I had not really looked at Me for years – decades? Who was this frazzled, frizzled person staring back at me? Efforts to find my ‘best’ side quickly plummeted along with the sagging neck and drooping belly and butt. All the inhaling and tightening of muscles (who was I kidding –what muscles?) did not manufacture the pre-marriage look of youthful skin and supple limbs I was trying to find. This is what I was taking out there into the dating market.

I soon learned that my self-image was the least of my worries. There was the hurdle of how to market myself. Singles bars in my 50’s just didn’t strike a chord with me. I wasn’t a church goer so there go the church socials. Somewhere in between there must be an answer. Online dating said a friend. Are you crazy? Put myself out there for all the crazies in the world to find. That was insane. Insanity prevailed and I muddled into the pool of online dating sites. I immediately eliminated the timed minute dates. Group dating seemed the ultimate in overwhelming. Instead I bravely (foolishly?) chose three dating sites, posted profiles and began a wild journey of discovery.

My image of almost senior dating was connecting with mature males online who, like me had been through the wars and were now looking to find true compatibility. Do I hear a collective hoot from other women out there who have been on this journey? Right! I had carefully photographed myself to present my best present appearance. All things considered, I looked ok I thought. I then wrote a sweet, fun (I thought) profile and pressed the button to submit. I had already perused the sites and the male offerings each had. After culling the real odd entries, there were a few that seemed to have potential. I sent out a minimal query and waited. I was not paying to make full contact, believing that to be properly the male’s role. After all, I didn’t want to look like a floozy or worse – desperate.

The responses came and the online chats, then some telephone chats and even a few meet and greets. I followed the rules to keep myself safe, never giving out personal information and meeting in public places. Repeatedly and overwhelmingly the biggest shock was the expectations of these ‘mature’ males. They espoused a search for a mature, caring female but were in fact living out their pubescent fantasies. I quickly learned that many meetings started with an assessment of my ‘assets’. We are not talking portfolios here. Some were outright ridiculous. There was the lad who took me out for dinner and openly ogled any big breasted woman that walked by. He genuinely didn’t see the problem with this. He was an executive with a well-known metro company. Another invited me over for dinner. I had already met him a few times and felt reasonably safe. During dinner his computer kept pinging away. These were his other online ladies sending him messages. Again he did not feel this was in any way inappropriate.

I went back and took a look at all the males in my age group to see if I could discern a theme I had missed in my initial culling. Yep. There it was. The majority were simply a bit more honest than the few I had chosen. They didn’t pretend to be looking for long term companionship. They were looking for a raunchy good time and usually with women much much younger than them.

Disappointed, disgruntled and discouraged, I felt a bit battered. I was also facing some personal emotional issues. I signed off the three sites for a period. I hesitantly returned to one site after a few months for one more look. With trepidation I reposted my profile. Could my shaky ego take any more pounding from these over-aged ego-inflated Lotharios? Weren’t there some genuine real men out there? One genuine real man? I reached out to one man I had briefly met online before signing out. He seemed to be warm and have a sense of humour, even if he seemed a bit gun shy. Wasn’t I also a bit jaded? He was still searching and responded. The conversations evolved to telephone chats and finally a meet and greet – that lasted for hours of talking. It resulted in dates and at first timid laughter, then guffaws at his zany humour. Then somewhere and somehow we became a couple. He was in fact that one genuine real man who was warm, with a sense of humour and sensitivity to me.

It’s been eight years. Guess it’s true that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. I found him amid the hordes of regressed adolescents teeming online. It took a long time for both of us to recover from the online dating horrors we had both faced. Seems some ladies don’t post their own pictures. One wanted him to help her get revenge on her ex –nasty revenge. Another came to the date with no teeth. It took time to re-establish some form of trust in the opposite sex after some significant battle scars from our past long term relationships too. Time, however really does help heal. Eight years later we finally got married with our kids as attendants and grandchildren as ring bearers.

Was it worth it? Absolutely, as long as you are prepared for a rocky, sometimes ego-deflating ride to get to your destination.