The warmth of the sun

I glanced at the kitchen clock. Only a couple minutes had passed since I last checked, but it had felt like forever. Time was moving at a snail’s pace…or a sloth’s pace. Whichever is slower, sloth, I think. I continued to butter my toast while watching the clock from the corners of my eye, waiting, wishing and willing for the hands to go faster.

I heard my dad on the phone, all the way at the other end of the house. Boasting about how proud he is of me for receiving the bursary. He boasted in that way that parents do when you can just tell they are taking responsibility for their child’s achievements. I checked the clock again, only to be disappointed. I tried to focus on sounds other than my dad’s boasting, like the rainbow lorikeets singing in the treetops outside, or the fridge humming. Why, I could even hear myself blink if I focused hard enough.

The weird thing is I didn’t even apply for the bursary, the only reason I told Dad was because I was sure they’d made a mistake and meant to inform someone else also called Cara Wheeler that they had been selected for a 20-grand bursary on scientific merits. That made far more sense to me than I mysteriously received a bursary a didn’t apply for, right? Well Dad insisted it must have been for me, and after I called to double-check it turned out it was. He’s been boasting into the phone ever since.

As I bit into my toast, my eyes darted over to the clock again. I wondered if time managed to slow down only when it inconvenienced me personally. I heard Dad wrap up his conversation and walk out to the kitchen.

“Everyone is so proud of you.” He told me, before raking his hand through his carrot-coloured hair which I had unfortunately inherited. “They’re thinking of putting on a small party to celebrate next week.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” I lied. My extended family lived in the boonies, and I was particularly unenthused about the impending trip.

“That’s what I like to hear.” Dad said, before leaning over to hug me. “Now remember, I’m working late today so don’t panic if I’m home late.”

I nodded. Dad grabbed his keys and headed out the door. The moment I heard his car finally pull out of the drive I shot up and rushed to my room. I grabbed my phone and started typing furiously.

“He’s gone now.” I texted. Within seconds my phone dinged with a reply.

“Awesome. On our way.” Was the response.

Excitement welled within me. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. I grabbed a tote bag, white with pink flowers, and started packing. I managed to fit a towel, spare clothes, my wallet inside. I started applying sunscreen before placing it in there too. I slipped my brown sandals, adorned with fake daisies, on my feet. A little black book, my journal, caught my eye and I packed it as well, having an odd feeling it would come in handy. Just as I’d finished putting my hair into one long, thick braid, my phone dinged again.

“We’re outside.” The text read. I grabbed my bag and rushed outside, making sure to leave the back door unlocked. A cramped red car stood in my drive. I hurried over and opened the boot to put my bag down. I went to open the back seat door, before I was interrupted.

“Chloe, can you swap seats with Cara.” The driver, Enid, said. “Quite frankly you have shit music taste and we’re not driving for an hour with bleeding ears. That’s probably like, a health concern.”

“Not to mention it’s likely a road safety issue.” Mia, the blonde sitting in the back, added. We all chuckled a little, except for Chloe, who sighed loudly and got out to change seats. I slid into my rightful spot next to Enid, who swiftly passed me the aux cord. I awkwardly plugged my phone in and was about to select a playlist I knew Enid liked.

“Sorry we have to sneak around so much.” I told them “You know how my dad is.”

“It’s no worries.” Mia assured me, smiling warmly. “Besides all this sneaking around makes it feel like, more exciting for some reason.”

“Adrenaline.” Enid added with a smile. “This is a much nicer way to get our adrenaline fix than say…jumping out of planes like some people do… So, in a way having to plan our days around when your dad is working is a good thing.”

“Yep!” Mia continued, “Without you we’d be those weirdos who jump off cliffs in Bali just for fun.”

I felt myself smiling, and my cheeks felt hot. I stared down at my feet awkwardly and finally pressed play. Music filled the car, and Enid’s car screeched out of my drive and down the street. The three began singing along to the music, I preferred to listen and instead stared out the window and watched as the scenery changed from our boring suburbia to a heavily forested area that smelt kind of musk, and then to banksias, mangroves and distant waves. Enid pulled into an empty parking lot and we all clamoured out. The salty air immediately filled my lungs, leaving me feelings refreshed and energized.

Chloe and Mia didn’t even think to grab their stuff first, just raced each other to the water. I went to the boot and grabbed my bag, along with theirs, and started waddling down to the beach, Enid walking alongside me, carrying her bag.

“You’re so considerate.” She told me. “I was thinking of locking the boot up and making them beg me to open it again.”

“You wouldn’t have done that.” I replied, before remembering my bursary and coming to the conclusion it had to have been Enid who applied for me. “You’re far too considerate yourself…Thank you so much by the way.”

“For…what?” She asked me, her large brown eyes looking at me quizzically.

“You know what.” I said. “I got it by the way. The whole 20.”

“What are you talking about?” Enid wanted to know. I put everyone’s stuff down on the sand dune and placed my hands on my hips.

“The bursary you must have applied for on my behalf.” I answered, raising an eyebrow.

“I didn’t apply for anything like that for you.” Enid replied. I looked at her for a few moments.

“You didn’t?”

“No but…how much did you say you got again?”

“20 grand.”

Enid’s mouth flew open and her large eyes got even larger.

“Cara! That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!” She cried, pulling me in for a hug. My mind was going several miles a minute. If it wasn’t Enid than who? I bit my lip.

“It was probably the school.” Enid told me. “They’d be the only ones who’d have the right paperwork on you to apply for that kind of thing on your behalf.”

“Yes, it must have been…” I whispered. I started taking off my sundress to reveal the swimmers I was wearing underneath. I slipped my sandals off and began stretching.

“Hey, I’ll race you to the water.” Enid told me, who had also taken her dress off to reveal swimmers underneath.

“You’ve got almost a foot on me.” I huffed.

“I was always going to give your little legs a head start.” Enid sighed. “10 seconds, starting from now.”

I immediately raced off towards the water. Running with such force that I was accidentally kicking up hot, fluffy sand behind me as I went. Soon enough I had gotten to damp sand, which just crunched underneath my feet. However, the second my headstart was up, Enid swiftly overtook me, stopping herself one step away from the water. I chugged along after her, and just as I almost caught up she stepped into the water.

“I won.” She told me, grinning maniacally. I pouted and playfully tried to push her over, but she stood steadfast. I gave up eventually and started walking a little bit farther out, when Enid suddenly moved and pushed me into an incoming wave. I was barrelled back to the shoreline. When I resurfaced, Enid and the others were laughing at me. Smirking, I picked up a clump of wet sand and pegged it at Enid’s temple playfully before I took off running, which didn’t take me very far before Enid caught up.

When Enid did catch up however, she was immediately distracted by a small, orange, pointy piece of coral half buried in the sand at our feet.

“Have you ever seen one of these before?” Enid asked me, as she knelt down to pick it up.

“No…what is it?” I wanted to know. Enid smiled at me and walked over to the water and washed the sand off of it, before holding it back up to me. It had five curved points. It was a starfish.

“Is it alive?” I asked, rushing over to Enid.

“No.” Enid replied. “I think it’s a Biscuit Sea Star. Toria Australis. Only thing is…it’s a bit far from home if that’s the case…they usually don’t live this far north.”

“Maybe that’s why it died.” I said bluntly, prompting Enid to laugh.

“I used to have one of these when I was a kid.” She explained, holding the starfish close to her chest, “then, one day I came home and it was gone.”

I didn’t ask Enid what happened to her starfish, as I had a pretty good idea.

“I’m so glad you found a new one.” I told her.

“Me too.” She grinned, as we started walking back over to our bags. I watched her carefully place the starfish in the front pocket of her backpack. Then we raced back into the ocean and joined Chloe and Mia in a peculiar game of water-tiggy, followed by an ocean version of Marco-Polo which…isn’t a game that translates well from pool to ocean. After some time however, my arm muscles got tired and I fled to the shore to relax on the cool, wet sand.

My muscles felt better shortly, but by then I was distracted by desires to build a sandcastle. I hadn’t brought a bucket or pail…I’d considered myself far too grown up. Instead, I just used my hands, which didn’t bother me. I liked the feeling of sand under my fingernails.

I had just finished my sandcastle by the time the others came to shore. It was up to my mid-thigh and had multiple turrets that I’d made by grabbing very wet sand and dripping it with a closed fist onto the castle. I’d dug a deep moat that filled with water each time the tide came back in, immediately soaking into the sand. I’d placed shells I’d scavenged onto the front of my castle as decorations. I was quite proud of myself.

“Ooh, now you’ve made me wanna make a sandcastle.” Mia said, sitting down besides me. “Or do you need help with this one.”

“We could always build another castle and bridge it to this one!” I suggested excitedly. Before Mia had a chance to reply Chloe ran up towards us and jumped right on top of the sand castle, destroying it. I stared at Chloe; my mouth agape.

“What is actually wrong with you?” Enid wanted to know, darting her eyes.

“Destroying sandcastles is the most fun part.” Chloe replied with a nonchalant shrug. “Besides the tides coming in and it’ll be destroyed soon anyway.”

“No, you idiot, the tide is going out, having you been paying attention the last few hours?”

“To how far the tide is in or out? No…I can’t say I have?”

“It’s okay!” I blurted out. “This just means I get to make a new one!”

Chloe shrugged again at Enid, who looked at her sideways.

“Whatever.” Enid said, before turning to me. “I’m going into the nearby town to get lunch, wanna come?”

“Okay!” I said, getting up.

“We’ll probably be about 40 minutes.” She told the others. The two of us walked up the beach and put our sundresses and shoes back on, grabbed our phones and wallets, and headed to her car. We drove in comfortable silence to the chip shop in town.

Inside, the chippy had cracked and peeling lino on the floor and yellowed wallpaper on the walls. The décor looked straight of the 70s. The lady working there however, looked straight out of the 80s. She was older, perhaps 50s, and wore her hair huge and poufy, and bright blue eyeshadow from her eyelids to her brow bone and hot pink lips. It was in that moment I’d never realised that most people don’t retain the styles of the decade they grew up in. I could imagine the chip lady getting into arguments with her parents over her style when she was young. I thought she looked cool, and free and spirited. I’d never really put much thought into how all the old people were once young and know what it’s like to feel how we do. Most old people had seemed like such stick-in-the-muds to me.

Enid had grabbed four sodas and put them on the counter. Two blue drinks for us, and colas for the other two.

“Chloe doesn’t like cola.” I reminded her, which she ignored.

We sat outside on the hot metal chairs while we waited for the chips to cook. Enid glew and radiated sunlight under the midday sun. I positioned my chair to be in the shade as I needed to reapply sunscreen.

For as long as I remember, people always said Enid and I were as different as the sun in the moon. She was always the bright, shining sun whose warmth people basked in. I don’t exactly know what they meant when they said I was like the moon to her sun. Did they mean I reflected her warmth? I’d be invisible if not for Enid in the first place? I’m basically a cold, lifeless cheese rock?

Perhaps they just meant we’re different in a lot of ways. That just like how the Sun and Moon only have the Earth in common, we only really had our passion for the sciences in common.

“Number 42!” Called the chip lady. Enid sprang up energetically and walked into the shop with me following behind. Enid forgot to thank the chippy lady, so I did on both our behalf. I followed Enid once more out to her car. Once inside she passed the chips over to me to nurse and tried to start her car. After several attempts she finally got it going.

“Fucking piece of shit car.” She muttered under her breath as we turned back onto the highway.

“Y’know…” I began, “with my bursary money I’d love to buy you a new car. I mean, not brand new obviously but something better than this. Technically I wouldn’t even be giving you a car since you’ll no doubt be driving me most places.”

“Cara…” Enid sighed. “…You really should spend your money on yourself.”

“But I am, you having a car makes my life easier doesn’t it?”

Enid stared at me and bit her lip slightly. I’d never seen her look…nervous before.

“Are you okay?” I asked her as I felt my blood pressure rise.

“I didn’t want to tell you until after today…But…I decided not to go to university.”

“W-what?” I asked, chuckling somewhat. Clearly Enid was joking, right?

“I’ve chosen not to go. Academia was never really my thing.”

“Not your thing? You’re the smartest person I know.”

“That doesn’t mean I particularly enjoy it. Sure, I love reading and learning more about the world…but I hate the way educational systems make it all so…tedious. They suck the life out of learning. What an impressive feat…to make expanding your mind boring.”

“When did this happen.” I asked. “Why pay to apply for uni just to decide not to go a few months later.”

Enid looked at me blankly.

“You didn’t apply.” I breathed.

“I’m sorry! I just thought if I told you that you wouldn’t apply either and you actually like school. University will be amazing for you.”

“But I won’t have you. It didn’t bother me so much when Chloe dropped out of school and Mia flunked her final exams and now has to repeat Year 12…But it’s different with you. I always imagined us going to uni together.”

“I know… I have no doubt you’ll make new friends… You’re very likable. You’re the only friend I have who doesn’t get on my nerves frequently.”

I sighed aloud. University without Enid sounded terrifying. I’d be all alone in a new place without knowing anyone. Shivers raced down my spine.

I remembered back to our graduation day, when everyone was crying, which bemused Enid and myself somewhat, though we didn’t outwardly show it. I knew it was just another chapter in my life with Enid, so I wasn’t scared or daunted or panicked. Now that I knew I was opening a whole new book…I was terrified. In a split second my whole outlook towards university changed completely.

“I will be okay…Eventually.” I agreed. “I just…this is a lot to take in at once.” Enid’s eyes looked sad and guilty, and immediately my heart sunk to my stomach.

“Look, this might be one of the last times we get to hang out before I leave for uni” I told her, “I just want to have a blast, enjoy my last day. I’ll still be heading to university a loner whether today goes well or poorly. Let’s just have fun together.”

Enid’s face lit up, and she smiled again.

“Yes, that’s the right way to look at it.” She nodded.

“So, what are you going to do?” I asked her.

“I’m thinking of travelling Australia. Getting fruit picking jobs in different towns throughout the year. That kind of work is good for the soul I think.”

“And after that?”

“I don’t know. I’m lucky Cara, I have no responsibility. No need to look far into the future. I’ll just live each day without much thought into the next until I know what I truly want in life.”

“Do your folks know?” I asked.

“That’s another thing I haven’t told you about. Two weeks ago, when I turned 18, they sat me down and told me I wasn’t a kid anymore and they owed me nothing so I had a month to get everything in order before they kick me out. Let me tell you, they feel extremely gracious about the extra month.”

“Will you be okay?”

“Huh? Oh yeah. I have some money saved from my part time job, and I’ve already got a job up in citrus country waiting for me. I’m just waiting around on a few things here before I leave.”

“So, this is probably the last time we’ll see each other for a while…” I mused sullenly.

Chloe whined a little about how we “accidentally” got her cola. Neither of us responded and just dug into the chips. The smell had driven us crazy in the car and they looked even tastier than they smelt. Yellow, fat and soft looking, leaving grease marks all over the butcher’s paper. I figured the chippy must be violating some health codes. Nothing so basic ever tastes this good unless it’ll make you feel terribly ill some hours later.

“I told Cara.” Enid said to the others.

“She’s taken it well.” Chloe said, staring at me.

“She gets to go to university and meet all these new people. Of course, she took it well.” Mia told her, before turning to me. “Just make sure to not forget me entirely…I’m still coming, just a year late is all.”

“I’ll never forget any of you.” I said truthfully.

We ended up feeding our leftover chips to a couple gulls a few feet away, which caused dozens of them to appear as though out of nowhere to fight over the chips. The four of us ran away from them terrified and watched them from a distance consume the leftovers.

We played in the water some more, though after some time Mia and Chloe headed up to the rockpools to explore, leaving Enid and I. We floated on our backs for a while, enjoying the peaceful silence between us. A silence that Mia and Chloe, bless them, just didn’t understand. Someone always had to be talking with them, they considered silence awkward instead of intimate.

“It got cloudy fast.” I eventually said. “Do you think it will rain.”

“No, I think the suns just hiding.” Enid replied. “Oh! That reminds me! I have something to show you.” She began swimming back towards the shore. I followed her. Though, being outside the water now felt cold, freezing in fact. I wrapped myself up in my towel, probably resembling a gumnut baby. Enid got her phone out of her bag and began swiping through her photo album. She stopped and showed me a photo of her phone that had been taken of a beautiful drawing of a crescent moon with little starfish like the one she’d found today on it.

“Remember how everyone always says I’m the sun and you’re the moon?” She asked me.

“Kind of…” I lied.

“Well, when I turned 18, I walked into a tattoo shop and said I wanted a unique, pretty moon for my forearm. This is the artwork we settled on. I’m getting it next week.”

“But…you’re meant to be the sun,” I remarked, confused.

“Well duh, this tattoo is meant to symbolize you.” She told me. I was taken aback.

“Your first tattoo is going to be about me?”

“The first of many, which is why it had to be important.”

I couldn’t stop grinning.

“I’ll get a sun then.” I exclaimed.

“You better walk yourself into a tattoo parlour the second you turn 18. Also, you better get it on your back or side or something easily covered so you won’t have to wear long sleeves and pants every day once you got professional job.”

“Whatever you say.” I replied, still grinning wildly.

“Wanna walk out to the cape, where the lighthouse is?” She asked me suddenly.

“Sure!” I said, before I started digging around in my bag for my little black book. “I bet the view from there is beautiful, I’d love to draw it.”

We wandered over to the cape, still draped in our towels from the cold. When we got there, I sat down on a chair outside the lighthouse, and Enid wandered over to the edge. The wind was blowing furiously at this stage, whipping her dark curls around.

“Do you want to be part of my drawing?” I asked her.

“Of course.” She replied.

I opened my little black book to a fresh page and began sketching. I liked sketching onto lined paper, I always felt it gave the pictures character in some way. Enid was mostly easy to draw, thin, tall, toned, but for the most part draped in a towel. The background was easy as well, being that horizons are probably the first thing any kid draws besides stick figures. Her face was harder. It was hard to convey how animated she was, how much warmth radiated from her grin, how her eyes gave her inner feelings away every time.

Her thick eyelashes were hard to draw. It’s too easy to make thick eyelashes look overly cartoonish or silly. Her pointed chin was easier. I had trouble making her curls look as though they were blowing in the wind, but I got there eventually.

After about half an hour I was finished. It didn’t belong in a gallery or anything, but I was still proud of it. Enid’s free-spirit leaped off of the page.

“I’m finished.” I told Enid, rushing over to her. Her face lit up when she saw it. I carefully tore the page out and passed it to her.

“I’ll buy a frame for it sometime.” She told me. Before I could reply, I felt a fat raindrop fall on my cheek, followed by three more. Enid passed me back the drawing, which I placed in between the pages of my little black notebook and clasped it tightly. The rain was much heavier now. I wrapped my book up in my towel and ran up off of the beach and under a nearby gazebo. I looked around for Enid but she was nowhere to be seen. I bit my lip awkwardly for a few moments until she appeared, dripping wet and lugging our bags along with her.

“I didn’t want our phones to get wet.” She told me. I thanked her and she sat next to me. I took my notebook out of my towel and checked to see if it was damaged. Fortunately, it wasn’t, and my drawing was intact. Shortly afterwards we were joined by Chloe and Mia, also seeking shelter from the bucketing rain. We all bundled up in our towels and watched as the palm trees bent to the wild wind.

When the rain finally stopped it was almost time to go home. I wished time would stand still so I could enjoy this moment for just a little while longer. The tide was out quite far by now, exposing what must have been thousands of tiny little crab holes in the sand. We walked around for a while before we headed back to Enid’s car.

I sadly watched the landscape out my window go from beaches and banksias, to forests, to the suburbs I knew all too well. We dropped Chloe off first, then Mia, then finally Enid pulled up beside my house. We sat in silence for some time, though it wasn’t a comfortable silence like usual.

“You’re leaving next week, right?” She asked me. “To visit your family?”

“And we won’t come back until a couple days before I have to leave for uni.”

“By which stage I’ll probably already be gone.” She added. “Make sure to keep in touch, yeah?”

“Of course.” I promised, as I got out of the car. I walked around to her boot and got my bag out. I turned back to Enid and waved, wondering when I’d see her again.

I started walking up my drive, making it about halfway before I heard Enid’s car door slam. I turned around to see her standing outside her car, looking troubled.

“Are you okay!?” I called out.

“Yes…just…don’t forget me, please!” She replied. “And maybe I’m selfish but…don’t replace me either.”

As if I could forget or replace Enid.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” I replied. Enid smiled weakly, waved, got back in her car and drove off, leaving me standing there puzzled for a few seconds. What was that all about?

I went back in through the back door and immediately headed to the shower to wash the smell of the beach away. Once I was clean and smelling like coconut and lavender, I started unpacking my backpack. I hid my beach towel in my chest of drawers, to wash one day when I have more than an hour before Dad gets home. I hid the rest of my ocean-smelling clothes as well, before taking out my little black book and placing it on my desk.

After I’d unpacked everything, I went to put my backpack where I always had it, but felt something still weighing it down ever so slightly. I opened it back up to see something bright orange in the bottom of it. I grabbed it for closer inspection. It was Enid’s starfish. Did she accidentally put it in my bag? No, she can’t have done, it was under all my other stuff. When did she have an opportunity to put it in my bag? Didn’t she adore this starfish.

Not knowing where to hide it, I put it back in my bag for the meantime.

I got out my little black book again and began sketching tattoo ideas of a sun with hibiscus on it, trying to get a similar art style to the starfish moon Enid had. After several attempts I was sort of happy with my result. I realised that after all my drawings today I had almost run out of pages. I needed a new one. Maybe starting over in a fresh, new notebook would make me feel better about starting over in a new and scary place in a few weeks’ time.

I started pondering who could have applied for the bursary on my behalf when I heard my dad’s car pull up the drive. It all dawned on me. It was so obvious. My dad had been behind it all, who else would have the right paperwork to do so? Yet I’d spent my whole day whining about how strict he is. I remembered what Mia had said about Dad being strict making things more fun in a way, and I immediately felt sad that in a few weeks’ time everything would be different, even with Dad.

I left my bedroom to find my father, and when I did, I gave him a great big hug.

“Thanks for everything.” I told him, as he hugged me back.