The Waiting Room

There was once a beautiful ballroom, adorned with bay windows draped by silver lined curtains. The dome ceiling housed an elaborate chandelier, and dozens of delicate ivory bulbs that cascaded soft luminescence down onto a beautifully seasoned wood floor.

But ...

Like a thief in the night, the tapestries began to tear. The once spectacular glow becomes dull and lifeless; and the majestic hardwood becomes like quicksand. When the fog lifts; your eyes begin to clear, and the reality of this broke-down palace forces you to face this crippled version of what you once perceived as safe.

Unfortunately these contrasting versions of reality characterized my marriage. Dissociation became like a comfortable pair of old shoes as I laid helplessly grieving the frozen potential of my marriage.

Freeze is the 3rd of 4 trauma responses often referred to as inactive mobility. A freeze happens when our brains are over-whemed by the present threat and decides that we are unable to take action or escape. A frozen response will release stress hormones in an attempt to prepare the body for handling the difficult event, and our brains will suppress stressful situations in order to relieve us from having to process them. Being stuck in a freeze is a physically, emotionally, and spiritually crippling place to be.

I experienced physical symptoms for many years before they finally became more than I could bear. I had various tests and imaging done; but my condition remained a mystery. It was not until I got a "diagnosis" that would require I have a life altering surgery that I started to look into the foundation of my problems. This journey led me to a holistic doctor who concluded that my physical symptoms were a manifestation of my emotional stress. They treated my physical symptoms by putting me through a thorough detox protocol, and they encouraged me to begin prioritize relieving stress and anxiety. I started incorporating things like good sleep habits and breathwork into my daily routines, and started to see the on staff counselor too help me process my emotions. Slowly I began to feel better as my stress and anxiety got under control, and I felt the fog begin to lift; however, that is when I began to really see.

I saw that early on in my marriage, I had realized exactly who my husband was; and that is when I froze. All my energy went towards keeping him "happy" because I knew that if he wasn't, I would never survive him. My body was screaming out to me that something was not right, but I had made the decision to sacrifice myself for the sake of my marriage. When I started moving forward with the things that my doctor instructed me to, my nervous system started to regulate and my body began to heal. As a result, I no longer was in the fog that had held me captive. The freeze began to thaw, and I started to see my worth and value once more. Unfortunately, my value was not of any interest to my husband. The harder I fought for myself, the more aggressively he tried to assert control back over me, and I knew then that it was time to get out.

I will be forever grateful to my doctor and the staff counselor who supported and aided me as I stepped out of my freeze. A very real part of me still wants to shrink back into those enabling habits; but I know God has placed more value on me than that. Truly loving someone means encouraging accountability, setting boundaries, and standing up for how you deserve to be loved by others. I am getting better and better each day at knowing this truth. And I'll be ... ok.