The Uplifting Curse

While it was a rollercoaster of a ride for me, who lived and still is living through it; My coming-of-age story really isn't that dramatic.

Nevertheless, it did seem like the end of the world at the time. Not for me per say, but rather my parents and extended family who knew exactly what was going on. Yet, all my 8 year old self cared about was whether or not I'd be given a Kinder Joy chocolate egg to reward my efforts of agreeing to come to the hospital without a fuss.

Apparently I had an accelerated heartbeat. I still remember the doctor who was a resident at the time and pouring through the most recent 2007 medical texts in front of me and my parents trying to figure out what was causing it. This was in Oman at a time when medical practices and equipment were not the greatest. A million blood-tests, an echocardiogram, and a CT scan later, we were told to go back to India as there was nothing more to be done.

A simple check up for a dry-cough had suddenly turned into my family's worse nightmare.

India however was a better place as far as medical diagnoses were concerned and I soon got mine: Primary Pulmonary Hypertension, idiopathic in nature (which basically means cause unknown).

And so started the search for a cure, a cure to a disorder that had absolutely no awareness towards it. I remember I was in the room at the hospital when a doctor gave me my life expectancy, 20 years. Again, I was still the same age and did not comprehend the gravity of the situation. Still, I remember the expression on my parents faces to this day. They were devastated and I could do nothing to help as I was asked to vacate the room. I heard my mom's heavy sobs through the door and that's the instance that made me grow up just a little. I could feel the selfish part of my childish self dissipating just a bit when I felt the strong urge to wipe my mother's tears and ask her what was wrong.

Since that instance, I had become a child who was much more aware of my surroundings. From being a kid who cared about nothing, I suddenly cared about everything enough to want to listen and observe. At a relatively reputed hospital in India, we went for a consultation to consider next steps. Unfortunately, we had the bad luck of meeting a doctor with no ethics or morality. When we met him, he was surrounded by his residents who were discussing my case. Now that I look back on it, it's clear that it was an intimidation tactic. He was least concerned about us and tried to put on an air of importance by conversing with his residents in medical jargon. When he finally turned to face my dad, he talked about a lung and a heart transplant. My mom's face visibly contorted into devastation once again and I was extremely sensitive to it, feeling tears forming in my own eyes. My parents endured through all of the doctor's bullshit (for lack of a better way to phrase it). However, my father reached his melting point when he heard the doctor utter the words "₹20,000 over the table and ₹50,000 under the table (hypothetical numbers since I can't recall the real ones)." Dad unleashed a flurry of screaming Hindi curse words and went on about the doctor being a disgrace to the medical profession and a waste of humanity and much much more. I did not hear it all since I was ushered out of the room by my grandmother who had heard the commotion right outside and came in to check on us. All I know is the entire ordeal felt like it lasted hours when it was in reality probably just 10 to 15 minutes since my mom and grandad calmed my father down and dragged him out of there.

I instantly knew that what the doctor had suggested was something bad as even though I did not understand what he meant by "under the table," I had enough trust in my dad to know he would never react the way he did if it wasn't truly insulting.

I see my struggle with Pulmonary Hypertension as my coming-of-age because I remember that time in my life quite vividly. I see it as a series of incidents that made me much more empathetic than most kids my age. I steadily started having a thought process, mind, and personality that resembled a young adult a lot more than it did a pre-teen. It also magnified my love for my family by a hundredfold since I know and am aware of all the struggles they had to put up with and get through to ensure I live a long and happy life.

I am happy to announce that I am now 22 and living a healthy life (as healthy as it can get anyway). I still suffer from PPH and have lived with it all these years, and will most likely continue to take medication all my life. I can't exert myself a lot and have quite a weak immune system as well as a bleeding disorder in which my blood doesn't clot. Despite all this, I am living a content life and have managed to treat myself with as much care as my parents did when I was young.

Hence, I deem this disorder is the most uplifting curse God could give me (and I am sincerely thankful for that).