The Things of life

She felt so alone, so helpless, so lost, so confused. She told everyone close to her all her pains and all the things that she endured but eventually she felt like that got her nowhere. It just gave people something to talk about and judge her for. So she started surfing in silence with no one to come to her rescue when she needed it the most. Time and time again she wondered why her life was what it was. She wondered how life would have been if she could go back in time and start over, maybe she wouldn’t have met you or maybe she would have dealt with you differently. And then there were the times where y’all were truly good and life was going great the love felt like it was getting stronger then boom...more bs out of nowhere for nothing. The arguing, the yelling, the tears, the spoken dumb words that amounted to nothing on either ends. The unspoken words that could rock the boat more or would not have been heard and understood. She said that this just can’t be love, but love goes through ups and downs right?? But at what point is it beyond love?? It’s like being torn between stay and leaving. You hate the bad days the fights, the bs, the dumbness. Then you have the love, the laughs, the fun, the vibes are right, things are looking up for a better future everything is damn near perfect days then boom..Just to be made to feel like less than a person again slowly and steadily dying inside again because y’all were just on top of the world loving life and loving who you’re with just to feel like do I even want this anymore. This hurts to deal with, this hurts to love. She asks herself ‘How did I even fall in love in the first place?? Like I’ve been hurt by men before you on numerous occasions, in different ways you were supposed to be different.’ She wanted him to be different because when they were just friends it was easier to love him. Back then how you were with her allowed her to open up to you, she didn’t use any kind of protection for her body, her mind and most importantly; heart heart. She exposed to anything because she allowed herself to love before knowing what she was getting herself into. No one before you could ever get her to do that. Yea it’s true there were times, it was very few times but, they don’t compete where they don’t compare. They may have had her first or want her but she knows that even with the bs they could never obtain her heart. She gave it to you before she even realized it was gone. You made her love just to make her hurt too. She gave so much of herself to you and stuck with her decision for you to be her real first love. You told her you wanted a future with her you gave her hope and all she ever got was hurt. She had to suffer in silence on many occasions. During her weaker days she didn’t care if you knew she was hurting she just knew you didn’t care enough to help her through it. Even though she kept her true feelings to herself she wanted you to at least show her to cared. But it would be those very unnecessarily problematic day and it’s just a reminder of why she wished you’d left her alone. She wished that she would have never engaged in any type of conversation with you but she did. She fell for the words spoken, the feelings brewing even though you agreed that you were just friends with benefits. Neither of you were supposed to catch feelings you expressed that you didn’t want to get hurt again but you were the one doing the hurting. Then she hurt you, but you had to know it was a possibility, but what you didn’t know is she regretted every bit of it. She wanted to see what the hype was, she also wanted to hurt him if he found out. Sick?? Tell me about it. Although she didn’t hurt him as bad as he hurt her or even close she just couldn’t seem to stoop to his level. She did have a few kisses here and there that meant nothing it was to escape nothing more but it was a fail. She just wished she’d never opened up to you. She blamed you for so long for your actions and saying that it was something about her that drove you to cheat and entertain. She wanted you to be held accountable but she knew you wouldn’t understand why you had to be held accountable for adding to her pain and her list of traumas. She had hoped that since you both had been hurt before that you would both be on the same page of not hurting one another. She was sadly mistaken because it happened time and time again then there was the love to remind her why she’s staying with you. She just wishes you go back to the old you but more honest, if you’re interested in other women then you don’t need her. No woman wants to feel unwanted by someone who tells and expresses that he loves her then treats her poorly and like trash. She doesn’t know if her future self will love her or hate her for her decision to stay and love him and work her way to the dream he sold her years ago. You guys more forward 5 steps then take 10 steps back when things go sour. Either it’s love or it’s games choose and act accordingly.