The Therapy Book

“Summer of 2019, I found myself stuck in the routine of work, errands, days, and home. Getting used to a new location is a bit of a culture shock, but I think I am doing well. 3 months of living in New York, the state of my dreams has been equal parts daunting and exciting! for my new job as a Buzz Feed producer, I finally get to do what I have always wanted to do and that creates films. Although I do not have as much creative control as I would like to, it feels amazing to be surrounded by like-minded, creative people It definitely beats delivering Pizzas!”

MONDAY

8 am: Work

12 Noon: Lunch

5 pm: Clock out

“I made a list of places that sounded interesting to visit; since I started seeing a therapist for my anxiety last month, she has been given me various challenges including journaling and exploring to step out of my comfort zone. With my Little black book in hand, I take a seat and begin writing as I have been doing for the past 30 days, I proceed to write out my days entry and order my drink without eye contact with my waitress. After an intense 10 minutes of finger crippling illustration, I realize I am seated in a cute coffee shop that was on my laptop screen less than 24 hours ago. As I regain consciousness I am approached by my waitress, and for the first time, I saw her face.

For a second I could not breathe, her smile alone was a shining beacon of hope, and when she spoke my heart skipped a beat. Her voice was sweet and made me feel as if I was speaking to a close loved one, her beauty was unmatched, the easiest way to describe her was as an Earth Angel. Once I realized I was staring, I composed myself and took a quick look at the menu, I ordered the special and handed her the menu and for a split second our eyes lingered. She smiled sweetly and went to relay my order; I casually gazed her way until she was no longer in my sight.

Suddenly a feeling came over me, for the first time in about 4 years, I could feel my heart. Now like most people my age, I had explored a dating app or two but none of the matches had a personality. Most people were just out for a quick hook up and I am just not built that way. So, over these past few years, I have just become a reclusive introvert. I guess you could say life has been on Auto-Pilot, and for the first time, I took notice.

On the walk home I felt this sensation of calm come over me, usually, by this time my anxiety would is so high that I’m ready for my dose of ‘Happy Pills’ but oddly enough I felt fine. I walked into my modestly decorated studio apartment, removed my shoes and coat, and dropped my keys onto the countertop next to my week's mail. I turned on my music and proceeded to unwind for the evening.”

Tuesday

“The alarm zaps me out of my deep sleep, and it becomes apparent that I slept a complete night through, an unusual occurrence for me these last 8 months, since the trauma…”

7 am: Dressed, Ready for work

9 am: Meeting

“This was a big day for me, I had been working on this project for about a week and today would be the day that I would seal my fate. My head producer who had a friend in the theater space was looking for something fresh for her next opening night, I finally got the courage to make the connection and now my assignment is to work up a pitch for my screenplay and that she would get the execs together to look over it and decide if they would give me the green light or not. Gina approached my desk and broke the good news, this was a great way to start off my week, now I have three months to assemble a team, write out the complete script, design a set and book a venue for opening night. This was the beginning of my climb to my dreams becoming a reality!”

Journal Entry

‘Things seem to be working in my favor, I am just so amazed at where my life has taken such a turn. I was a ball of nerves when I got on that Greyhound bus to start my life anew at 32, but today is proof that I made the right decision. That is a lesson, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! To think, I was ready to give up on life less than a year ago, but I listened to that tiny voice in the back of my head. If I had a message that I would want to pass on to the youth, I guess that would be it. Give yourself a chance to be great and follow the dream that has been instilled within you. ‘

“’ Thank You,’ I spoke to my Angelic Waitress as she placed my celebratory meal in front of me. She straightened her posture and spoke, “Enjoy, you look very happy today, are you celebrating something?” I smiled and our simple friendship began, she was easy to talk to and right then and there I felt she had some sort of purpose in my life, I had no idea what just yet, but the energy exchange was undeniable. Now me being the introvert that I am, I enjoy taking things very slowly, so obviously when I say friendship, I am speaking of it within the confines of the café. However, parts of me felt a sort of trustworthiness when interacting with her, and that is a calming experience.”

Friday

“I overslept, I spilled coffee on my favorite white blouse, and I am fairly sure my socks are on inside out, but I need to find my calm place before I get off this elevator. Today is the start of the new project and everything I have been writing out in my black book is the key to this work being a success. To be honest, I feel as if I know what I am doing like this moment has been waiting for me all my life, and as amazing as that sounds in my head its also terrifying, since I have never been the head of anything this big, but I am open to challenge.

The day progressed and thankfully no one noticed my brown collar, a good thing I keep an extra sweater in my desk drawer for temperature drops. By the end of the day, I felt less frazzled and more in control of my movements. As unorthodox as this may seem, It wasn’t clocking out or working hard on my passion project that was the highlight of my days, It was seeing my favorite waitress. By this time, I realize I am in full-blown crush mode, but as an awkward person I have no idea what to do after this revelation, maybe I put myself in the friendzone all those previous times! Anyway, that is my latest diagnosis of myself.

Finally feeling an ounce of confidence in my existence, I walk into the café and seat myself at my favorite section, I eagerly look around for my Angel Face, but she is nowhere to be found, of course, people do have off days! This is just how my life unfolds I make a connection; I get comfortable and then reality and the insecurities set in and thus begin the overthinking. ‘May I take your order?’ A small voice breaks my mental torture, and I focus on a young-looking boy, I would bet money that this kid is 12 years old! ‘Oh, yes! I would like to have the soup of the day, Please and thank you.’ My mind drifts in and out the rest of the meal and I write and eat as I contemplate my next moves for the weeks to come.

The soup was delicious, and I enjoyed the young, faced guy's service so I left a decent tip for him and made my way home to get a little work done and hopefully a restful night’s sleep. Once I got home, I took some time to unwind; showered, did some social media scrolling, caught up on my emails, and allowed a Netflix movie to watch me. Once I woke up from my accidental nap, I realized it was 1 am. Since I would be up for a bit, I figured I needed to get a head start on next weeks’ workload. I lazily got up and made my way to my bag on the dining table to search for my Black Book… IT WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!”

“Angel Face” P.O.V

Monday

9 am: Wake up, Feed cat, breakfast.

10 am: Dress, head to work.

11 am: Clock in

“Another day in paradise, I just have 2 weeks before I am completely done with this place, I know I can get through this I just need to think about something positive! Oh, that time I visited my Grandparents in Georgia and went horseback riding, that is what I will concentrate on today.

Mondays are always the worst; I must hear the nonsense of my coworkers recapping their weekends talking of meaningless hookups and ridiculous encounters with police. Once I leave this place, I hope to meet mature people with actual ambitions and depth but until then I am going to count my hours and tips and get closer and closer to my goal. At least I am working with the people I get along with today.

Once the lunch rush ends, I get excited to catch my breath and mingle with the regulars like this elderly couple who say they have been coming in for the last 10 years; they always seem to enjoy one another's the company they are obviously the best of friends. They are lucky to have something so pure and authentic, hopefully, I get that lucky. There is also this group of teens, they seem to be either related or they grew up together, but they are always here at the same time and leave in the same van, sweet kids. Then there is my recent regular, although she has been coming in a short while, something about her feels familiar, however, I cannot place why. Speaking of, I have not seen her today and my shift is about to end. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.”

Tuesday

“I walked into work and my boss hands me a flyer, it mentions details of a ‘missing Black Book, last seen Friday evening, $5,000 reward upon return!’ wow, that money would come in handy right about now. I am curious, I wonder where it is and who it belongs to? If I find it, I will surely contact the number included. But let me get on with this shift, this money is not going to make itself. “

“My shift went well, and the tips tonight were amazing just as I began to get discouraged, I finally got the right amount saved for my Dad’s surgery, he had a heart attack last year and he was finally approved for the open-heart surgery since he got laid off the responsibility have all been on me. But today my prayers have been answered, I will sleep good tonight. Now I need to clean up and close this place up. I completed the tables and set up to mop the floors when something caught my eye, in between the front registers I saw a small book, it was wedged between the back of the register and the counter. I thumbed through it and read a couple of pages, it was the missing Journal, and it has some pretty deep stuff in it.”

Wednesday

‘Hello, I found the Black Book from the flyer, yes I can meet you at noon. Ok, I will see you at the park, bye.’

“I hung up the phone, and rushed to get dressed, after a night of nonstop reading I finally realized who this book belonged to! It was my Nightshift regular that I had not seen in a couple of days. Ironically, I felt a connection with her; however, I was unsure what the connection was until I read the last entry.”

Entry # 48

‘I honestly don’t know what to do with these emotions, the last time I fell for a person I was exiled from my family. My mother literally looked me in the eye and said “No child of mine is going to embarrass me or my family like this. If you are going to be gay you need to go find your own life away from me. Don’t ever come back, in fact, leave the whole state!” In shambles, I packed my life up and never looked back. I went over a couple of cities and did a couple of odd jobs until I landed in New York. After being on my own for about 6 months I had started to figure out my way. I’m not too far into my journey but 4 months into being in the big city, things are looking up. For the first time ever, I can feel my heart again, I found it in the tiny Café a few blocks away from my apartment. Angel-Face has changed my life and she has no clue as to how. I wish that I weren’t so shy, otherwise, I would tell her how I feel and possibly live happily ever after.’

Noon

“It was a nice day, a slight breeze and just enough sunshine to warm my face as I sat on the park bench beneath the oak tree, I fidgeted with my watch as I nervously checked the time, and then I looked up and saw her… Angel-Face had my little black book!”

The two smiled and sat together on the bench. “So, I guess I am Angel-Face huh?” Embarrassed, Quin looked down for a second. “Yes, you are. Actually, I don’t think I ever looked up long enough to catch your actual name.” She smiled. “Lilly, but Angel-Face is a good name, I kinda like it…

After a couple of dates, the two had a chance to really get to know one another, and it's all thanks to a little black book that started off as a therapy tool for a broken woman who was once at her lowest point in life. The moral of the story is No matter how dark life seems to get, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.