The Shoe-ma-geddon

It was around 1:30pm on the 27th of December, when The Store's Managing Director Justin Case received a call from one of the managers, Bruce Easily, asking him to come down to the Ladies’ Shoe Department as a matter of utmost urgency.

Bruce had been working at The Store for decades and was recently presented with a 25-Year Service Award. A bow-tie aficionado and a grandfather of three, Bruce was one of the kindest and most experienced members of staff at The Shoe Department. He loved making his customers smile, and many of them returned regularly to buy shoes from him specifically.

Unless hospitalized or imprisoned, it was compulsory for each and every member of staff to work on the first day of the seasonal Sale. The first day of Winter Sale was the most precarious day in the entire calendar. The staff block out this day in their calendars way in advance. And on the day, they arrive much earlier than usual, armed with an extra deodorant, valerian root supplements, and two extra pairs of tights, ready to engage in close customer combat and face what could only be described as The Store’s annual Armageddon.

Customers of The Store block out this day in their calendars even more in advance. It is as important as their kids’ birthdays, as unforgettable as their wedding anniversaries, and as magical as a visit from the Tooth Fairy - it is the day that all outstanding debt is temporarily forgotten and that itch to consume is given a satisfying scratch.

One of the customers had even rescheduled her own wedding for the Sale in the hopes of buying the perfect pair of Jimmy Choos she’d been flirting with since the pre-engagemen. While another, heavily pregnant, managed to postpone labour by enlisting a ground-breaking breathing technique in order to nab a sought-after pushchair coveted by many celebrities and most recently debuted by the newest member of the Royal family which only further validated its appeal and made it nearly impossible to find in stock.

On this anointed day, customers would not only fly, drive, cycle, sail, swim, and run - they would even virtually teleport from far away - to join thousands of secret shop-a-holics in their passionate quest of the bargain of the year.

The date of this illustrious sale was of course, written in the stars, commencing when the moon takes its prime position, aligning with the mighty Saturn and Northern Star. Together they shined in their full possessive glory over The Store’s grand cupola, arcades, keystones, arched windows, and the heavy copper doors, as if to call out for all unfulfilled souls and egos.

Today was no different. Right at midnight, the lines to enter The Store started to increasingly extend. At the start, they consisted mainly of local tramps armed with sleeping bags who were plotting to trade their spots for cash after being drawn in by the delicious aroma of freshly baked bread and thick, buttery hot chocolate. One well-known tramp, Jack Pot, was a regular prime-spot holder, who had been able to purchase a small camper van with his earnings after selling his spot each year for the past decade. Today, possibly affected by the alignment of the aforementioned celestial bodies, he was contemplating whether to sell his position or keep it for himself this time. He needed new pillows.

Many notable occurrences took place since The Store’s doors burst open that morning. Justin Case was hoping for some quiet time while going through the current Sales Status when he was called to rush to Ladies’ Shoes. The department, located right in the middle of the building, was the busiest place second only to the perfume hall. Security teams had to barricade the doorway in order to control the cluster of customers who fiercely tried to butt and wiggle in, desperate to get their hands on a pair half price Manolos.

When Justin arrived, he immediately noticed a commotion around the size 40-41 shelving units, where loud voices could be heard. He was met by one of his junior managers, Beth Seller who explained the debacle. “Justin, we have a serious situation. There is an argument between two customers who both want to buy the same pair of shoes, but we only have one pair. A lady who picked up the left shoe from the display asked Bruce to bring her the right shoe. When Bruce went to get the box, it was empty and then another customer appeared holding that exact shoe, but it was the right side, and she was demanding to have the left. It is highly possible that one of the sale temps had accidentally displayed both shoes. The customers are very angry and extremely aggressive. I am really scared for Bruce. What would be your instructions, sir?”

“Please get the Head of Security, Warren Peace to come here urgently. I will go to help Bruce and see if I can resolve this,” instructed Justin.

As he tried to make his way through the crowd surrounding the incident, from a distance, he spotted two female customers who were holding a stiletto each and shouting at each other with Bruce in the middle, pleading them to stay calm. The ladies were both over a staggering 6’ tall, and the demure Bruce, who measured in at just over 5’, stood no chance in this situation. He was hardly at the customers’ chest level, hence they paid no attention to him whatsoever. Tightly surrounded by ladies from both sides, Bruce resembled prey about to be consumed. He hopelessly used his polka-dot hanky to wipe the sweat from his forehead.

Justin, who grew up among the wild terrain of Australia, knew only too well how to recognize that irreversible moment, just before disaster strikes. A long time ago, when Justin was just 10 years old, he saved the life of his friend by acting on his gut feeling and blocking a shark attack with his surfboard. The sharks’ teeth pierced the board as if it was a block of softened butter but luckily stopped half an inch from his friend’s heart.

This brewing drama was much the same. Once again, Justin felt in his bones that the moment of no return was dangerously near. He turned around looking for Warren Peace, and to his relief, spotted him rushing from the north side of The Store towards the crowd.

“Ladies, please, stop arguing!”, urged Bruce, attempting to bring the customers to their senses. “You both need to calm down. There has been a mix-up and unfortunately, we do not have another pair of the same shoes anywhere in the world. At The Store, we pride ourselves in dealing with any situations fairly and as such, we propose that only the customer who has the LEFT shoe, will be allowed to buy the pair - end of story,” Bruce dramatically concluded with a conductor’s hand gesture, feeling smug about his unwavering decision-making skills

After his remark, both ladies and their respective support groups stopped screaming and shouting. The Left Shoe holder was happily smiling, and she raised it in her hand high above the crowd. This gesture was followed by a noisy show of support by the Left Shoe holder’s group.

The Right Shoe holder, on the other hand, had a completely different reaction. Her eyes darkened and her fists hardened. It was plain to see that she was not giving up the Right Shoe without a fight. Avoiding Bruce with the strength of Serena and Venus Williams combined, fuelled by the speed of lightning, she also raised the shoe high above her head.

As the sharp 9-inch stiletto heel accelerated towards Bruce’s smooth forehead with hammering speed, Justin made a giant leap towards Bruce, much like a pro-basketball player during an NBA final. At the exact same moment, The Head of Security, Warren Peace, did a similar giant forward leap towards Bruce from the opposite side.

With this fateful collision now being unavoidable, Bruce, who ended up being squashed by Justin and Warren, was now firmly stuck in place, made into the perfect target for a 9-inch stiletto to land.

All kinds of screaming, shouting, yelling, and wailing followed this episode. Justin and Warren carried Bruce, who had a stiletto heel stuck in his forehead, into the nearest stockroom. Additional security team members have arrived in time to deal with the crowd. Emergency services and the police were also called. “I see a white light coming towards me…am I going to die?'' asked Bruce in a feeble voice, while Justin was attempting to loosen his bow-tie. “I need to speak with my grandchildren…”

“You will be fine; I am just using a torch from my iPhone to inspect your injury. It is just a scratch, but please try not to move for now,” said Justin, assessing how deep the diamante-encrusted snakeskin leather heel went into Bruce’s skull. Luckily, the A&E team had arrived within minutes and were ready to relive Bruce, starting by applying an oxygen mask and a heavy dose of sedative.

When the first day of The Sale was finally over, Justin was able to submit his official Duty Report:

“The Store’s total trade on The First Day of Sale was up by 10% vs Target with key transactions driven by very strong performances in Beauty, Accessories, and Fashion. The footfall has also increased by 15% vs last year. Access restriction had to be implemented in some of the busiest departments, in order to avoid panic, commotion, and physical injuries.

The day otherwise ran smoothly with no fatalities. However, there were some serious disruptions and incidents that required mobilization of the security team, as well as the store’s in-house A&E and fire wardens.

Key events included:

1. Very unusual behaviour of some of the homeless outside of The Store, who were not selling their prime positions this year, but were creating commotion and unrest. Despite reasoning attempts, they were the first to run into The Store in search of the free 45-inch plasma TV that had been advertised over social media for The Sale’s promotion purposes. This action created panic and disturbance in the Sound & Vision Department, and in order to avoid casualties, another complimentary 45-inch plasma TV was allocated to the leader of the homeless customers, Mr Jack Pot. Mr Pot has snatched a 45-inch 3D plasma TV which he collected on the day, as he was not able to provide an address for delivery.

2. Throughout the day, 35 customers were stopped by the security team after trying to swap price tags from cheaper to more expensive items. Customers were released after being given a warning, but their loyalty accounts have been temporarily suspended and remain highlighted for future observation.

3. There were five fights over product availability, with the most unstable departments being: The Ladies’ Perfumery, Ladies Fashion, Ladies’ Shoes, Ladies’ Handbags, Children’s toy department as well as Men’s Underwear. We would like to nominate Patrick Johnson, to receive “Employee of the Month, Bright Idea Award” for suggesting to hire David Gandy’s doubles to model the latest collection of briefs. One customer specifically demanded to buy the exact pair that was worn by Gandy’s look alike. When the gentleman was told this is not possible due to hygiene reasons, the customer continued to argue but finally came to his senses when he was allowed to take a selfie with David's body double.

The central argument in the children's department involved a heavily pregnant customer who managed to postpone her delivery day by using a novel breathing technique, as she explained later. Her water broke due to her unstable breathing rhythm, which had altered in pace during an argument over a Bugaboo-Fox pram. The heavily pregnant customer managed to snatch the pram from another lady and was running towards the escalator where she had to slow down as her contractions started to kick in. The Store's A&E team was called at the location and helped the customer through a very quick and seamless labour.

A healthy baby girl was delivered minutes before the ambulance was able to reach The Store. The Store has arranged a hamper to be delivered to the customer’s home, including the prized bugaboo pram. The customer was very happy with the outcome, and without a doubt, will be attending next year’s Sale.

Another serious incident occurred within the Ladies’ Shoes department, where two customers wanted to buy the same pair shoes. As a result, department manager Bruce Easily has been injured while bravely trying to resolve the issue. Bruce received emergency medical assistance and has been hospitalized. He is in stable condition, as the heel that went through Bruce’s skull stopped half an inch from his brain. We’ve been advised that the injury will leave a scar on his forehead and that the recovery time is expected to be around three weeks.

Bruce’s family and his beloved grandchildren have been informed, and a Get-Well-Soon card is now circulating among employees of The Store. Without a doubt, Bruce has shown strong courage and resilience during this unfortunate situation. It is suggested that he will be nominated for “Employee of the Sale: Selfless in the Face of Adversity Award” and his portrait be added to the Wall of Fame, next to all the directors of The Store for a period of three months. The customer deemed responsible for the violent behaviour has been handed over to the police and will be banned from The Store for the next 20 seasons.

Sincerely,

Justin Case

Managing Director

Created to make you smile & reflect.

With Special Thanks to my dearest friend, editor and inspirer Sara Lewis.