The Scorpion

I was born in the hills of central Mexico; that was the land that saw me grow. As a child, I would climb the steep rocky cliffs and venture through the prickly pear cacti that spread through the area. It was a time of innocence and a time of blissful freedom. I was ten.

I encountered dangers throughout my adventures there, and those quests didn't come without some threat. The land was riddled with snakes, wild boar, spiders, and sneaky ants. Amongst all the creatures there, I was perhaps most fascinated by the scorpions. I had a sincere respect for them and the way they behaved, and, as a kid, I just thought they looked pretty badass.

That was then, however. I'm in Kansas City now, far, far away from those scorpions. My cousins still live there, but I suppose fate had other plans for me. For better or for worse, I left that land in my early teenage years. I'll never forget those adventures; I still remember my childhood fondly in my quiet afternoons. I could still smell the humidity in the dirt and I could still feel the sting of the prickly pear cactus when I imagine it. I could even see the scorpions wandering the desert in my dreams sometimes.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I never left Mexico. What if I stayed- not that it was up to me, but what would become me? I was poor, but I was happy.

I'm not rich by any means now, but I know the detriments of poverty all too well, so it's probably a good thing that I'm here. I try not to think about hypothetical outcomes, though; some what if's are more painful than others.

Truthfully, I'm not much of a fate believer. I like to think that it's all random; no mystic, supernatural structure determining our life's path. I know what that sounds like, though; it's scary to think that we're just organic bags of flesh and bone wandering through the cosmos. I like to think there's more to it than that, there has to be, but I don't know for sure.

Being born a Scorpio seems fitting, though, almost predestined. I don't know much about astrology but, when I tell people I'm a Scorpio, they act as if I just said to them that I'm a serial killer. One time, a girl who was very much into me decided not to talk to me anymore when I told her when my birthday was; I didn't know how much discrimination Scorpios have to endure. Perhaps it's merited. Maybe I'm just misunderstood. Did you know that scorpions aren't actually that deadly to people? Sure, perhaps their sting doesn't exactly feel great, but you're not going to die (maybe). Scorpions are just misunderstood creatures, too. It's probably best to respect them and avoid their neurotoxins.

I guess it's deemed dangerous to be with someone so mysterious, also. I don't mean to be mysterious, I'm just a kept-to-myself person. I'm quiet when there's nothing to be said; even when there's a storm in my head, I'm quiet. I wish people knew that about Scorpios- I wish people knew that about me. And, again, it's not that I mean to be mysterious- I just don't understand how people are so eager to share so much information about themselves. I could never.

The transition from Mexico to the United States was not without some trauma. I left friends and family to be with strangers in a foreign land. From that came moments of frustration, sadness, and loneliness. Like the scorpion, I became a non-social creature slowly over time. That's not to say that I'm anti-social; I do make efforts to be social, and I think I've made great strides. However, my childhood trauma slowly snowballed into the chronic mental illness that I battle with each day. People don't see that- I don't talk about it but it changed my DNA.

I'm not so different from other people who struggle with depression, or anxiety, or OCD. We all have a story we don't share but, even in our darkest moments, we can glow; and I don't want to sound like a scorpion nerd but, some scorpions glow in the dark. So, there's that piece of information.

I do not deny any toxic behavior on my part, however, and I'll admit I get a thrill out of planning petty revenge. I'm not proud of it, but I'm good at it. I know I've hurt people, on purpose and perhaps inadvertently. I've apologized to those who would still hear me, and I think about them deeply in my long sleepless nights. I'm cursed with feeling everything so profoundly- but, just like those negative feelings, I also feel love in a profound way; it takes courage to love when there's a constant storm in your head. I also feel hope, and I know that my storm will too pass someday; after all, scorpions are ancient creatures. They've survived just about everything.

As I've said, I don't know much about astrology. My friends, however, are always quick to remind me about my Scorpio behaviors, and, as much as I hate to admit it, they're not wrong; it makes sense, and their descriptions of Scorpios are usually spot-on, as it pertains to the way I live my life anyway. And whenever they bring up something bad about my unusual behavior, I'm reminded of the lyrics of that famous song, from The Animals, "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."