THE RESILIENCE OF A WOMAN’S HEART

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And every time you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

~ Sam Smith

No two heartbreaks are the same, some semblance, but never the same. You may feel a slight emptiness, others a gut-wrenching agony, but all unique, all different. The funny thing about heartbreak is that most times, you never see it coming, and once it takes you by surprise, it’s a hard thing to wrap your head around. We often deny that it’s even happening. It follows us to bed at night, and we carry it around again once we wake. We find ourselves agonizing and replaying the relationships in our heads, wondering just where we went wrong. It’s torture, but it’s necessary.

I’ve often heard that there are multiple stages of heartbreak. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and hope. I can remember that dreamy-eyed girl with long braids who, back in high school, was infatuated with Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome. He was my first high school crush. The relationship lasted a whole two weeks. Yes, the world lost its magic, food lost its appeal, and my ego suffered a severe blow. I am sure that a little bit of myself vanished that day, but soon the stars were back in alignment, and life went on as usual.

Now that first college heartbreak was a whole other matter. This love had me gliding to class and creating names for our make-believe children. Yes, college Bae took heartbreak to a whole new level. This was more than a schoolgirl crush because the world suddenly became colorful and brilliant. Weeks turned into months, and almost a year later, I was living the dream until I wasn’t. As fate would have it, another heartbreak. After that devastating blow, I was again relegated back to my colorless world as I nursed the shame and guilt of another crushed dream.

Losing love is hard, whether it’s a platonic friendship, budding romance, sexual entanglement, or a once-thriving marriage. The pain that you feel when a relationship ends is akin to dying. The most brutal heartbreak imaginable is the one that just happened. You know, like the one you’ve just experienced and you’re still reeling from. Regardless of the length of time a relationship lasts, it’s rough when it’s over. In between the pain, you find yourself replaying the clever conversations which eventually lead you back down the rabbit hole of despair. The longing. Oh, the longing. When something monumental happens in your life, they’re usually the first person you want to tell. You desire to hear that familiar voice or funny laughter or inside joke that only the two of you share, but you can’t. You resist the urge to reach out as it will only serve to thrust you back in the middle of that pain, thus rewinding the past and undoing all the progress that has been made until this point. But you do, anyway, against your better judgment. For a while, the world seems brilliant again, the colors electric and the air lighter. You know It won’t last because you’ve slipped back too many times before and ended up in the same spot -the bathroom floor contemplating how to pull yourself together. There you sit with a runny nose and bloodshot eyes because you allowed yourself to get pulled back again. Where’s the ice cream? Queue the sad romantic comedies, or better yet, the “drop the old dude and get a new dude heroin movie,” you know, for empowerment. Balance that out with Lifetime and the ID Channel so you can explore your options.

After the setback, always after, there is an overwhelming compulsion to reestablish contact- again. Some magnetic pull that is designed to thrust you back into the middle of your grief. Only this time, you don’t see a rainbow. You don’t see or feel anything but blackness, and so you sit in it for a while, hoping that he may have a change of heart. Some indication that he cares, a call or a text, anything. You pray that a lifeline is extended to save you from drowning. There isn’t, and you realize the burden of happiness now lies with you. So, you continue living in this colorless world with water filling your lungs.

You go through your day-to-day routine on autopilot to make it through another work week. Still missing those clever conversations, the endless banter, those hot intimate moments. Suddenly you’re questioning the validity of the relationship. Was it real? A figment of my imagination? You wonder if they’re thinking about you, but you know the answer is no. Getting out of bed is the hardest part. Sleep becomes our refuge, the bed our hiding place. Then one day, you wake up, and you’re sad, angry, and in total disbelief. How dare they leave? Who do they think they are? Then the oddest thing happens, we find ourselves trying to make backroom deals with God, begging to have them back in our lives to no avail. Bargaining. I’m sure it looks as pathetic as I imagine, maybe worse.

As minutes turn into hours and hours into days, depression sets in. Life is monotonous, and we wonder why God didn’t answer our prayers. Slowly we start discovering things about ourselves that we’ve never really noticed before. Those conversations that you would replay each morning, the continuous torture you inflicted upon yourself, start to dissipate. Then one day, you can no longer recall what they said the last and final time they walked out of the door.

You never remember the exact moment the heartbreak lifts. Maybe it’s when you’re doing a thing, and you realize that you’re not thinking about them. Perhaps it’s the moment that an ordinary day becomes a typical day and not the birthday that you didn’t remember. Major breakthrough. Maybe it’s when you catch another person’s eye who has all the traits of being the next someone, just maybe.

The doughnuts at the corner shop you two used to frequent weren’t all that tasty. The Sunday night show you reserved for watching together wasn’t even a decent drama. Yet you did those things just because — now you have this time on your hands, a cause of reflection, and you suddenly remember who you are- paying attention to your own likes and dislikes, and you wonder why you never noticed that before

Remember when you thought you would never smile again?

And before you know it, you’re smiling again, later laughing. Now you’re accepting new dates. You’re no longer crying when that old song that you swore belonged to the two of you comes on the radio. You can listen to it in its entirety because it no longer elicits emotion- now it’s just a great song.

Then one day, you’re faced with the moment of truth. Quite by accident, you run into him and realize you could have ripped that band-aid off sooner. You smile, utter a polite hello, and wave goodbye. You’ve accepted that it’s over- for good, and you never look back.

Then you remember what you think you have always known, that eventually you will love again because that’s what we do. The resiliency of a woman’s heart is dope. (Hope)

Life goes on…and it does.