The relationship wonder drug

Have you ever fallen out of sync and communications with a loved one? Communication is one of the most vital yet difficult aspects of a relationship. Arguments ensue when communication starts to break down, and defensiveness steps in. It becomes hard for either party to really hear the other, and eventually, a once safe space no longer feels so safe.

My husband and I found ourselves in a situation like this. We had always had good communication, but once we had our second child, we found ourselves a bit shell-shocked. I remember saying one plus one does not equal two — over and over and over again.

It was a time of great adjustment.

That first year was tough, and then we entered the downturn of late 2008 when our sons were 4 and 1. My business was poorly affected, and we had to pull the kids from daycare, and have them home with me while I tried to work. Things were strained on multiple fronts, and communication began to break down.

The arguments became a regular occurrence, and the distance grew over that year. My husband started going to the bars with his coworkers every day after work. It felt like it was just the kids and me during the day trying to run my business and then me trying to entertain them in the evenings while waiting for help that didn’t arrive. By the time my husband would get home, I would just want him to take the kids and give me a break.

It made me bitter and did not help with my communication. This made him bitter and did not help with his communication.

As you can imagine, a negative cycle had begun. I could see it, I would talk about it, and I would attempt to communicate, but that didn’t seem to help. By that time, the negative feelings had grown so much, it was hard for either of us to hear the other.

I could communicate all I wanted, but I could not make him listen. I certainly could not make him change.

At this point in my marriage, I was very angry, I felt very alone and very lost. It was an incredibly difficult time. I was not feeling friendly towards him at all.

I mean. At. All.

My best friend had turned into my greatest pain, and I didn’t know how to fix it.

I started to reflect on our situation, and I knew it was not sustainable. Something had to change. If I couldn’t change him, and I couldn’t change the situation, then that left the option of trying to change myself.

I made a plan. I decided I would kill him with kindness. For one month. And see where that left us, I would re-evaluate from there.

I decided to give him a gift every day for the entire month of December. This was not an easy decision to make — because I was very angry with my husband and did not feel he deserved my kindness. I didn’t feel he deserved one thoughtful present from me let alone 31.

However, I stuck with my plan. I threw myself into finding gifts that would please him, make him happy, and light him up. I started thinking about him, his wants, and his needs. I started thinking of how I could provide for those wants and needs. We were struggling with money, so it’s not like these were extravagant gifts, but there was still a gift-wrapped present for him every day. Each and every day there was focused positive attention was given to him, directly from me. Something that I realized had become missing since the birth of our second child.

At first, he was a bit wary about what was happening. A bit grouchy about it — what do you mean you’re giving me gifts each day, we don’t have money for this kind of thing. But he quickly got over it, getting a little more excited each day. With each little gift unwrapped there was more thawing of that ice that had formed in our relationship. Each day he became a little warmer, a little more attentive, and a little more excited to come home. Each day I became a little warmer, a little more attentive, and a little more excited for him to come home. A new cycle was forming. We were connecting again.

We began to have meaningful conversations again.

We began to enjoy each other again.

When I decided to spend a month killing him with kindness, I stopped the negative cycle we were swirling in. By stopping my end of the cycle and starting something new, I gave space for his own self-reflection and created a situation that made us both want to be better partners. I realized our feelings were so hurt by each side that we had been unable to hear what the other was saying. Once we were able to shift those base feelings, our ability to listen and really hear grew exponentially.

This month of kindness completely turned around our habits and behaviors. Without a doubt, this month of kindness helped save my marriage.

I found myself in a similar downward communication spiral with my teenage son years later. This pandemic caused a breakdown in our relationship, and the mutual hurt feelings and anger were very real.

I remembered that feeling. I had been trying to change my son and the situation, but nothing was changing. What if I changed myself? Could it work again?

I decided to give my son a kill him with kindness half-month and gave him 16 days of gifts leading up to his 16th birthday. Again, I kept any negative comments to myself, gave accolades, gratitude, and appreciation where I could, and presented him with a wrapped gift each day.

I got the same result.

We started our own new cycle.

Now, it is not the presents that make the difference. Don’t get me wrong, presents are always nice, but it’s the positive, focused attention, it is the being made to feel as if you are special and meaningful each and every day that makes the difference.

And, anyone can do that.

Substitute a present with a daily meaningful note of gratitude and you’ll find the same result.

Kindness, it’s a relationship wonder drug.

If you find yourself struggling in a relationship that matters to you, might I suggest you try killing them with kindness?