The Problem with Thank You Notes

So, I'm writing thank you letters for the wedding. And I'm really stressed about it. Because the wedding was back in February, and it's almost June. I keep internally punishing myself for not having finished them, for not having mailed them out.

I'm trying to be nice to myself though. I remind myself that I am a teacher. Immediately after the wedding, I had to teach online because there was so much snow we couldn't get to school. And after that we had testing, and then more testing, and even more testing. Then it was final exams, graduation, and now, we're here.

Then I think about spring break. I had a whole week during which to write thank you notes, and I don't think I got a single one done. Again, part of me wants to say it's been a rough year--a busy year. You needed the break. That's why it's called a break. But I know there's a ticking time bomb on this thing. And it's all thanks to my mother.

See, back when my cousin got married, my mom refused to send a gift. "I sent her money for her graduation, and did she thank me for it? No, sirree." Okay, I get it, we don't communicate a whole lot with this cousin, but... really? I mean, mom, if you don't want to send a gift, don't send a gift. But do it because you don't want to. Or you can't afford it. Or you have no idea what to send anyway because, quite frankly, everyone's already got everything on their registry. But don't threaten to cut someone off because they never sent you a piece of paper in the mail. For one, there's a lot of possible problems that could have come up with that piece of paper in the mail. Mail gets lost. Maybe they wrote your address wrong. Like I said, we don't communicate that much. Who knows? Maybe your graduation money got lost in the mail and that's the real reason you never got a thank you card.

Okay, so you sent a check, and you know it was cashed. Fine. But what is all this need for a thank you note about? Every time you bring up thank you notes, I think of that book about the man on the mountaintop. He would have told you to chill out. Gifts are gifts because they have no strings attached. They are not about the giver, they are about the givee (giftee?). Anyway, by demanding a thank you note and refusing to send gifts for any other occasion, you're making it about yourself. You need other people to acknowledge that you did something nice for someone. Shouldn't doing the nice thing be enough? Do you demand thank you notes from charities you donate to? Or school fundraisers? Aren't those gifts too?

Sure, it's nice to know that someone appreciates it. There's a reason I like to see people open gifts in person. A couple of weeks ago, I gave one of my graduating seniors a couple of books that she had loved when she had my class in 8th grade. And I knew from her face I had made the right decision. So maybe the thank you note is about that. Maybe it's because when you send someone a gift far away, you want to know that it was something good. And I can totally understand not wanting to send another gift because you're not sure what would be appropriate, especially when it's family you don't see that often. But then, just say that!

So, in a sense, I'm writing these thank you notes for you. Because I know at least one other person who gave us wedding gifts is going to threaten to never show us kindness again if we don't send them some ultra-fancy non-recyclable piece of paper with a cartoon cat and a "thanks" on it. I'm writing these even though I know that most of the people will throw them away, probably, even the people who need them to feel satisfied about giving a gift in the first place. But I don't know precisely who needs them and who doesn't and who will threaten to never speak to us again if they don't get one in the mail.

So mom, if you see me stressed over the business of writing thank you cards, and you think it's silly (which I know you've told me), then next time you give a gift, may I suggest you don't expect a thank you. If you want to stay in touch, give the person a phone call. They're likely to thank you then. Or you can just bask in the knowledge that you did something nice for someone. And trust me, the trees will thank you for it.