The Not Good, Very Bad, Upside-Down Wedding

I mentioned on my article about my wedding to the love of my life that I had a short marriage with another person where the wedding and the marriage were both terrible. They stood as wonderful examples of everything I didn't want.

Be Firm in Your Foundation.

I was a little everywhere with my first wedding. We were having the wedding and the reception on two days because I was very, very ill, and my ex and I (we'll call him Chad for identity purposes) we're Latter Day Saints, being married in the temple. People had described it to me as wonderful, awe inspiring, life changing. I wasn't sure if it was because I was doing it wrong but it was none of those things to me. I got a hint as to probably why as we sat outside the temple taking pictures.

I was staring at my best friend, my maid of honor, and I fantasized that she would take my hand and run away with me.

It wasn't my first (nor would it be my last) time that I had doubts in either myself or in Chad to have the foundation to build the relationship we were setting out to do.

I got hints throughout the night and into the next day that he hadn't been taking remarks I'd made in our relationship seriously. The next day I couldn't eat, I felt sicker than ever and on the ride over he brought up the subject of my asexuality.

"So when you said 'we may never get pass kissing,' that was a joke, right?"

"No!" I practically screamed. I was and am a firm asexual. I made it known to him the second he expressed interest for this exact reason.

Literally everyone had been telling us to have sex. Including several people in the church. I was counting on him to understand and uphold our relationship agreement.

Our foundation was sand. I felt like an imposter: I loved my girl friend far more than I loved him, I was being pulled kicking and screaming out of a church I knew in my heart I didn't belong in, and he had ignored the very basis for which our marriage was founded on: the understanding that it would be a non sexual one. With all of that swirling around us, we stepped into the reception.

Don't Rush, Make Sure You're Ready

Chad was an army brat and his father was being reassigned. His family had to decide whether to follow him or stay. Chad also was having issues getting into college because the family filed their taxes on the fiscal year (in December) and not with the rest of the US. For some reason, my brain had decided the best way to solve all these problems was to get married. This is what happens when you use logic to drive you.

I figured if we were married, we could file taxes independently, and he could get into college that way. Chad could stay with me and his younger siblings could be independent of him, regardless of what choice the family made. So, with the assumption at the time that he understood that I was a disabled sick girl who didn't like to be touched, I proposed.

I was also a little selfish. I wanted my last remaining grandparent to see me get married.

Oh and I do love him, as much as we were dumb. What we were was not ready. Chad had a hard time holding onto jobs, I was working on getting onto disability. I was taking doses of codeine for pain (I'm off of it now, thankfully) and allergy medicines to try to treat both allergies and insomnia. The two together caused vivid hallucinations. For all of the wedding planning I was basically comatose. I remember telling my mother "plants" so our reception was in a green house. I ate some crepes I liked so we had them over for food (I didn't eat them until much later, I was still too stressed about my crumbling life). I know we did silly dork things for reception pictures, but I don't remember them or ever seeing them. I do remember collapsing screaming in pain to get to them and my girl friends surrounding me. I don't remember him.

Waiting is good. When Daryl and I decided to get married they joked "I'm going to give you five years to realize that this is a mistake so you can back out of this." It was close to five years, we married after three. The first two I spent fighting another new disease that was trying to kill me, and every night as I screamed they were there. I remember being terrible to them as my head felt like it was going to explode.

Know who you are, know where you stand, and don't be afraid to wait or turn back. This person is your partner. You should have an equal understanding of what that means to both of you.

I got the notice on Thanksgiving of 2013 that Chad and I were officially divorced, and it was something to be thankful for. We were married six months.