The Ninth Grade

Have you ever sat in a room full of people, but felt alone? That feeling of loneliness creeping up behind you like a shadow, and just enveloping you. You could be surrounded by the people who are supposed to be your best friends and still feel completely and utterly alone. It’s a sickening feeling, really. People don’t understand how that shadow clings on to you and travels with you wherever you go. Your friends are supposed to be aware of this darkness caught in you. They should be there for you regardless of any situation. You should be able to feel happy, safe, at-ease, excited and comfortable around your ‘best friend’ at all times.

Now none of this makes sense, but that has been the majority of my grade nine year. I have had some highlights like, Art Club, Student Parliament, and the Protest. I’ve had a pretty good year when you focus on the highlights. But what happens when I zoom into the lowlights?

I started the year thinking my friend group would change, and I would find my people. However, I ended up losing my best friend to her boyfriend, then my oldest friend to my best friend, and the one left over stuck with me. I moved on to some other people from Elementary school, and none of that worked out either. Then he came back into my life. The devil himself, Samuel. We spent an afternoon out in town after months of fighting, and I told him we’d “never go back to how we were” and in a way, I was right.

The one left over was Sophie, a 'friend' and to be frank, she is a lot to handle. So I told myself that if she was so draining for me, I would get closer to Sam. And that didn’t work. She and I became friends with Sam, Brad, and Brayden, who we all knew from grade eight. And then we met Riley and Ajay. Riley and I started flirting and getting more comfortable around one another but that ended in a total trainwreck. Then Sam and I both confessed that if the other were to ask us out, we would say yes. And then we very quickly started dating. I thought that we would take things slow, but he had other plans. We started dating, then he said ‘I love you’ after two days, we had our first kiss a week after in front of our friend. It was the worst and most awkward kiss ever. I hated it.

From there he was all about kissing and touching me. We couldn’t go anywhere without him kissing me or having his hand on my hips or around my shoulders. I was fine with it, however we would always be hanging out with the group and he’d start pushing himself on me and then would complain about how I wasn’t enough. He would also constantly point out ‘hot girls’ in front of me. And he would point out things that I’m self conscious about. Not even to mention all the times he told me I needed to ‘chill out’ and ‘let loose’. So he basically turned away from my personality and changed everything about myself. And I let myself believe him and trust him even though he’s hurt me countless times. I didn’t realise how toxic the relationship was until the end where I didn’t see him for a week and thought to myself, ‘Hell I don’t even miss him. If I didn’t see him for another week I’d be fine.’ And that’s when I knew I should dump him. I did. It was the most painful experience because he asked for things to go back to normal and I said yes. So he was still super touchy and I would fall asleep on him. I was trying to make it super platonic, like if the other boys offered for me to sleep on them, I would. But Sam wanted it to be romantic. He kept asking me to be friends with benefits, or to have one last hail Mary. And I actually debated it, because I missed the imaginary connection I made with him. But that just hurt him more and made me into more of a villain. I hated myself for a month. I still kind of do, honestly. But I can’t blame myself for his trashy self. He took away the guys from me, and made them hate me. He started ‘dating’ a girl in the states, who I call his E-thot. But they broke up after ‘being in love’, which was just disgusting flirtatious texts. He’s a pig.

Now another thing I’m struggling with is, not exactly PTSD, but similar. I’ve been having flashbacks and moments of high anxiety from my father leaving, my grandfather dying and even things Sam did to me in the past. I keep seeing images from me when I was at my absolute worst and how much I needed someone then, like I do now. And by someone, I mean a best friend. Not my current friend group, not my mother. Just a best friend who I can open up to easily and who can comfort me when I cry. Is that too much to ask for? On top of that, my stage fright is ever so slightly coming back and my anxiety is getting worse. I can’t do simple tasks anymore and it’s freaking me out. The flashbacks have really been getting to me lately, and it sucks because if I try to talk about it to my mom, she turns it into an entirely different conversation. If I try to talk about it to Sophie, my ‘best friend’ she makes it about her. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I want to be saved. But for now, I will just have to keep swimming.

Lately I have been trying to remember everything that has happened since the summer of grade seven going to grade eight. I have no recollection of what happened, really. I wanted to rewrite “Not another Grade 8 Story”, but how can I write something when I only remember my father leaving, my broken friendships and the occasional good 15 minutes. I am at a complete loss as to how I forget an entire year. It’s like I’m forcing myself to go back to the bad spots to see if I can find good. I’m unbelievably angry at my father for making me forget everything. I’m not even sure if I want to call him my dad or my father, because he sure as hell isn’t any more.

As for Sam, I feel sick whenever someone brings up that he and I dated. Physically nauseated. I went bowling with Brad, Sophie Riley, they’re dating, Mia and Ajay. I showed up thinking that Sam would be there too. I was terrified. Well lo and behold, the coward never showed up. The six of us all went back to my place and we all hung out, which was kind of fun. But they were really loud and I couldn’t deal with that. But one day afterwards, Sam contacts all of us, and not Mia, because she ‘backstabbed all of us’. I was fully done with Sam and him constantly starting shit up. So basically, he was shit talking Mia and I stood up for her. It turned into a huge fight and Sam was bashing Mia and started yelling at me. His argument was that I “Didn’t know” how it felt to stay up night after night, thinking about how I said I’d never forgive him. How can you possibly compare someone saying ‘I’ll never forgive you’ and someone saying ‘You’re worthless, no one cares about your opinion, no guy will ever want to date you if you look like that’ and more. He’s playing the victim card, per usual.

So the group is officially split. It’s me, Mia, Sophie and my new friend then the other group is Sam, Brad, Brayden. Riley and Ajay float between.

Earlier in this, I completely bashed Sophie. The girl has heart, and she makes an effort. I’m unsure what it is, but sometimes I need to chill with someone and have it be chill. She’s always talking and I think that’s what exhausts me. But I’m so happy for her and Riley, they work so much better as a couple than he and I ever would.

Ajay confuses me, if I’m being honest. I can’t tell if he’s sick of me. I feel like he is so maybe I won’t tell him anything. He’s been ignoring Sophie and I for a while, but has been talking a lot to other girls because he likes them.

My mom’s been saying that me and my brother have grown up a lot in the past year and a half. I wish I didn’t. I wish I was still a child. I could have fun, I could have friends who I actually really like, I wouldn’t get tired of people so quickly, and people would like me more. I’d be close to perfection. Now perfection isn’t the word I’m searching for, but it’ll do for now. I’ve been trying to open up to Riley Churchill, Ajay and even Sophie, but they disregard it. Ajay and Riley will ignore the subject all together, and Sophie will acknowledge it and somehow make it about her, she doesn’t always do that but it’s often.

I wonder if anyone is going to read this. Or if I’ll give it to someone for some reason. Or if I’ll keep this story, along with others throughout my years of life, and have them hanging up at my funeral. I never could know what the future holds at this point.