The night of the chocolate cake crumbling before us

“I just watched this sad movie,” Selene started, taking off their work clothes, and changing into pajamas. The pajamas had Joshua trees on them. Selene loved Joshua trees—-they said it looked like a human that had stood out in the hot desert, arms outstretched—-and had slowly turned into the beautiful wispy branches. “It was so sad. It made my stomach hurt—-I wanted to cry. I couldn’t.”

“Oh, that’s terrible. Why did you feel so much pain from it?” I asked them. We slipped under the sheets of our bed. “Who was the director?”

Selene leaned in close to my body, and our cheeks touched. I kissed the side of their face.

“Federico Fellini. It was called La Strada.”

I don’t watch old movies. I nod gently.

“Why were you upset, my sweet?”

Their body went stiff—-for just a brief moment—-and then soft.

“Because art can be so meaningful to some as they work their whole lives on it with their heart and soul… but others will throw it away like trash without a second glance. Like someone’s love. It can hold so much meaning and beauty—-but someone can have it—-and just throw it away.”

“Do you feel like that’s what happened to…” I start to say, but I can’t finish the sentence.

Selene shook their head. The strands of their frizzy, golden hair surrounding my vision. I play with a piece of unruly gold.

“Craig… we know each other better than that. You know me. I know you.”

I nod.

“But what do we know about us?” I ask, my heart leaping into my throat.

Selene sits up and their hair bounces. Their green eyes look at me, tearing up. “Craig… who are we?”

“We are…. We…” I try to put a proper sentence together. My heart is trembling. “We’ve been married for ten years. We have each other’s backs—-always. We’ve known each other since we were kids, my little fever driver…”

Selene laughs at my silly nickname for them in bed.

“Remember when you first kissed me? How shocked I was?” I asked.

“Hahahaha, how could I forget?” Selene asked, their familiar undertones of teasing and happy go lucky sensibilities coming through finally. “It was so funny.. well, cute how raspy your voice was in high school… And your cute long brown emo hair! Um, What did you think… of me… before?”

I sighed softly. Selene was my best friend and my married partner of ten years that happened to be born a boy. They always had that frizzy blonde hair that was long—-even then. Their parents didn’t care about gender norms. My parents did. Their name used to be Aspen and we were inseparable for most of my grade school years. In High school we grew up and grew into our feelings for one another. They kissed me. I kissed back. And I said after, we fit together.

I didn’t care if they were male or female.

I wanted Selene in my life.

Forever.

I loved their messy hair. I loved their messy ways. I loved how they’d make huge breakfasts for us every Sunday—like a Hobbit does, I’d say and Selene would just pour more tea for me, grinning happily. We’d leave the house a mess and cuddle and sip our coffee and tea, and just laugh and kiss.

I thought of all of that—-and answered, “I wanted you. All of you.”

Selene bit their lower lip. Cheeks red.

They didn’t really like to use male or female pronouns.

I called them Selene, because they were mine and they wanted to be called that.

“I did, too,” Selene says back.

My mouth curls back in a bit of a flustered response. “Did?”

“I do. I mean.”

We stop talking for awhile. I turn off my lamp light. Selene keeps theirs on.

“Uh, I saw a horribly sad movie too. Earlier, while you were watching that sad one,” I said.

“Oh—-what was it, Craig?” Selene sits up a bit.

“Shrek Two.”

Selene laughs. It’s loud and genuine and appreciative.

“Did it make you cry?” Selene says, wiping their green eyes from laughing so much.

I nodded. “Yeah. When the giant gingerbread man, Mondo, I think was his name—- fell into the water—-sacrificing himself for everyone…It was horrible. Traumatizing!” I said, falling on them in a dramatic fashion.

“I shall fetch you a therapist right away!”

“I might need more help than that! Agh! I’m wounded! My heart!” I make wheezing sounds.

Selene laughs and then places their ear next to my chest, near my heart. “It’s beating quite erratically—-now slowly, darling. I’m going to need to get out the paddles!”

“Just kiss me… and I’ll be cured…” I say in a weak voice.

“You are such a child. But…” We both leaned in close and our lips touched. “I’ll do it for you, you kinky guy.”

I grinned. “Ah, you healed me. Thank you, you fire starter!”

“You meant fever driver!”

“Same thing!”

“Anyway.. let’s go to sleep.”

I frowned.

Selene saw my face. “Or not?”

I smiled. “Yeah. Wanna plan something?”

“What?”

“A second honeymoon?”

Selene nods, but I can tell it’s just not in the cards. Their eyes give it away.

“Sure, Craig, baby.”

“Well… where do you wanna go?”

“Somewhere… nice. Nice climate.”

I nod. “And… when?”

“I’ll check my schedule.”

“Let’s just set a date. Right now. Even if it doesn’t pan out.”

“Craig…”

“Selene…”

I saw we had been moving unconsciously away from one another—-a half an inch with every sentence we were speaking.

I decided to move in close to Selene.

Selene didn’t move at all.

I breathe in slowly.

Selene huffs a bit.

I put my arm around their waist.

Selene closes their eyes.

“Don’t you wanna go?” I asked.

“Don’t be a petulant child, Craig.”

I scoff. “I’m not.”

“You still watch cartoons, baby. You’re thirty one years old.”

“Hey, Shrek two is an excellent film.”

Selene’ hard-shelled expression cracked and they laughed again.

Then, silence again. For a few minutes.

It feels like hours.

Then, Selene hits me with this:

“We don’t really make love anymore.”

I bit my fingers. It is a bad habit.

“Don’t bite your nails, Craig.”

“Don’t nag me. And Selene…. We do make love… we just.. haven’t in…a few…”

“A few what? Weeks? Months…?”

I feel my eyes water, and it is painfully setting in the corners of my eyes like I’m cutting up the nastiest onions ever.

“We’re always tired, baby. You fall asleep before I do sometimes!” I say.

“We have nothing in common!” Selene says back.

“What? Yes we do.”

“Name something then,” Selene says softly, but it sounds severe to me—- they start to rise and almost move to get out of bed.

“Dinner parties with our mutual friends don’t count. Either does that occasional Kubrick film we watch together,” Selene snaps before I answer.

“We like bowling. We like good food. We lik—”

“I like good food. You hate it. You just wanna eat frozen meals and wing it.”

I nod. “Okay. Well… I appreciate that you like good food.”

“You don’t like the same old movies that I do.”

I frown. It’s true. I don’t.

“But…. You appreciate that I like it, right?”

I say nothing.

“I like those Joshua trees. They are really nice,” I point to their pajamas.

“Thanks,” Selene says. “But… I don’t really like these trees. They scare me.”

I look at them, surprised, “Huh?” I say dumbly. I bought those pajamas for Selene last year.

“I wanted marigolds. That one marigold nightgown. But… when you were so excited about the pajamas for me.. I decided to love them.”

Silence hit our combined air. I frown. I feel stupid—-like I don’t know Selene at all.

“We make each other happy. Right?” I ask.

Selene half smiles at me. “Craig, I—”

“What?”

“We got chocolate cake.”

“We do?” I ask dumbly.

Selene takes my hand, and pulls me off the bed.

A million thoughts hit my brain.

We never had kids—did Selene want them? We had discussed it before. We had said no. Was I not tender enough when we have made love? I thought I was—maybe I wasn’t. Do I not ask the right questions about their day? About their feelings? About our future? Our past?

Selene leads me to the kitchen. Then—-to the living room.

“Selene?”

They smile and then turn on the TV. Their smile is sad.

Selene puts on a movie.

It is the film Matilda.

They skip it to the scene with the chocolate cake—-with Bruce Bogtrotter.

I smirk. “Oh… shit. I remember. We saw this in school—-after we read the book. And the teacher had to put us in the hallway. We were laughing so hard.”

Selene grinned. “We couldn’t stop laughing at the cake scene. And the teacher boxed our ears. It was a miracle they even allowed us to read Dahl—-much less watch the film—-being it was a Catholic school!”

“But—-you know, they were all watching it with the most serious look on their faces! Like… it was a fucking documentary!” I laughed.

Selene laughed. “What tools!”

“Yeah… and that is what got us close.”

Selene nodded and sat next to me. We held hands.

“I must have fallen in love with you then. You know?” I said softly.

“I know,” Selene said wistfully, “Craig, if we were a chocolate cake, what we would be made of?”

I think for a minute. Selene answers first.

“You know… I think we are one of those flourless cakes…”

I shake my head. “We got a lot of cream and butter in ours..”

“It’s vegan. Flourless. Eggless.”

I shake my head vehemently. “No. It’s not. It is made with passion and excitement and love.”

Selene’s face turns white, with the palest pink on their cheeks. Eyes widen, then almost close. Nose twitches.

Golden hair looks frizzier than normal. I want to kiss their hair.

“Crumbs.”

The word hits me like a punch to my gut.

“We are but crumbs of a ten year cake that is too old and aging to save. We are almost gone. Little birds are eating all the little pieces left. But…. There are only crumbs left of that rich, delectable, passionate, exuberant chocolate cake we once created.”

I don’t want to agree. I don’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t want to just say that yes, you’re right—-we aren’t as intimate as we used to be. We don’t have much in common. But…

These crumbs are worth saving.

I go on one knee and look them deeply in the eye. Selene is crying.

So I say it.

“Selene, you and I are worth saving. Our crumbs may seem lost and broken and torn apart… but they aren’t. I believe it. Don’t y-you?” My voice breaks.

They kiss me suddenly—-intensely—-deeply.

I remember when we had our first kiss.

How crazy good it felt. How I suddenly felt whole. Like everything in my life felt like it was just… whole.

There’s no way this is just crumbs.

We lock into a midnight session of cake making.

Dark chocolate bliss.

Not death by chocolate.

Rebirth by Selene and Craig. Mixed with some heavy cream and chocolate bliss. Bake on high all night.

This time, I’ll watch (Selene and us)to make sure it doesn’t crack or crumble.

We will do it, together. Mess and all.