The new girl in 7th grade (1997)

And so it began, Finally maybe some justification to outsiders as to why I had a valley girl accent (I was 12 years old from little suburb in PA,my fam relocated to Torino Italy when I was 3 and half years old. I had lived in EUR for the entirety of my early formative years, There really was no explanation for why I had a valley girl accent, except maybe watching clueless one too many times? but this was it! The next chapter of my life! whether I like it or not, It was happening....

Don’t get me wrong I tried to not make it happen. I acknowledge and understand how privileged this was in hindsight(And just my own privilege undeniably throughout my life), but my father’s new company that he was working for had put us up in the Hyatt in Irvine for like a month, I sat in that hotel room every day for weeks ordering pancakes from room service (pretty sure my dad got an earful from his bosses about the room service bill??) and watching bad 90s daytime television.

i was so petrified of living in a country, That, while I always knew I was from, and truly did feel connected to always, I still had never really known what it was like to live in the US (vs EUR). Plus let’s bring up again, That I watched clueless a lot. I loved that movie! however, I think tooktoo literally at 12 years old 😬😂 I couldn’t really understand the comical satire of it fully as a kid. I thought everyone in SOCAL actually like that! and that petrified me. But tbh everything about this move felt insurmountably scary af to me. Anywhere would’ve, it didnt where we moved, I would’ve been just as scared af. I do understand now, that most of those feelings (maybe not actions) but ✨my FEELINGS were all valid✨everyone has their own methods of coping various emotions specifically fear in my case. and for me, back then, it was isolation, chocolate chip pancakes and Sally Jessy Raphael...🙃💁🏼‍♀️

So after the Hyatt we moved into The house that would become the memory I still always go back to in my mind when I think of *home*.

but I’m getting ahead of myself...

so, we moved into the house. It was the summer of 1997. and that summer, VH1 played the Jackson 5 (I swear) at least two or three days a week...

all I can really remember about those weeks leading up to my first day of seventh grade continuing to isolate (sans pancakes) and watching that Jackson 5 movie the way your 3 year old watches Frozen. those weeks were just a were just like a blurrrr of Fictional actors playing the Jacksons/ Berry Gordy and goldfish crackers lots of goldfish crackers (By the way that movie is 300 minutes long!! that’s 5 f’ing hours, dude!)

The was a moment though,that happened, a spark of hope, a fleeeting second of a passing thought “maybe wouldn’t be terrible?”

that moment was a call from a girl named Brittney from my future school. (The school had assigned Brittney to call me just to welcome me, but yeah basically the school and put her up to it haha) we talked for a couple minutes, I don’t even remember what I said but I must’ve done something right because, I was shockingly somehow seeming connecting with her.. i did it made through round 1! Now, it was time to proceed to round 2 of “who wants to be in our friend group?” because she suggested that we call her friend, Kim on three-way...

Brittney 3 ways Kim, briefly sums up the situation ,(That I was the new girl starting at their school, in their grade this year)

(Brief pretext, This was a tiny private school there was maybe 50(?)kids in my grade. And it was a preschool-8th grade school.)so, most of these kids had gone to school together all their lives...and here I was, about to walk in there, as a 7th grader. I understood how heavily the odds were stacked against me. And the likelihood of the next two years being a complete social nightmare.

After Kim was brought up to speed, she wasted no time taking the reins, she wasn’t about to pussyfoot around here, she went for it, cut right to the chase, brought the big guns and went straight to the ultimate bottom line. She asked me the only relevant true question that we all knew was the thing that truly mattered...

“so, where do you shop?”

I could feel beads of sweat forming on my back immediately, but I kept it cool though, i mean as cool as Cara Bloom could ever keep it, in any situation, at any age, And I answered honesely “Limited Too...” *silence* *crickets* uh oh! But, I quickly saved myself by somehow making it sound like i was verbally compiling a list, and quickly added “Contempo”

And before I could even start what I was about to pull out of my ass as #3 Kim chimed in, “OK you’re cool you can hang with us.”

you guys,I swear to you, in the moment, I heard church choir music.. I was saved. Or since I’m Jewish, I guess I’ll use this analogy; i was spared /passed over, the 10 plagues couldn’t touch me, i was finally able to escape *pharaoh* and 12 year old loser Egypt For the promised land of middle school social acceptance. Asher yatzar!

I had arrived!

And those two girls (And their other best friend) All became my best friends.

Having those three friends, those two years, Was like floating on a cloud. I’ve never had a friend group, They gave me a sense of confidence in myself that I had an experience before that period of time and wouldn’t experience again to be honest until my mid 20s...but it was formative af.

I used to wonder, “what if i had paused just a second longer??” or had opted to choose “Charlotte Russe” or “Abercrombie and Fitch?” instead of Contempo? Would I be someone different? would my life had takrn a different direction?

obviously the answer, “meh who knows?

eventually I was able to look back and understand, the solidifying and forming those friendships and the social success of 7th and 8th grade, had less to do with Contempo or shopping and more to do with my own perception of the phone call. I perceived the conversation as postive, which unconsciously gave me that little boost that I needed to feel hopeful...

I walked in there the first day of school(Still very scared but feeling like I had a chance.... but what I really had was a choice) I chose hope... and it felt magical. but there was nothing mystical or magical about it. me, beinh able to open up my mind to the possibility if this whole new start not being the end of the world, even just entertaining that possibility for a split second, that’s what saved me. That was the magic....

I beg of you, next time, your life is about to (figuratively) end, If you have a moment where you’re able to consider the possibility of it actually being amazing if you have a moment where you’re able to consider the possibility of it actually being amazing, I urge yo, hold onto it!hug it, hump it, give it a fist bump!it doesn’t matter what you do but, but try your best to hold on to it, At least long enough to acknowledge that the thought happened... and that there is hope.