The Modern Army Wife Life

An Introduction on Me.

I am Sakkera, and my name comes from the Ancient Egyptian burial ground of Saqqara. My mother changed the spelling, slightly. I am twenty one years old and after my husband got orders, we did a permanent change of station, or PCS, to Oahu. It is the most popular island of Hawai'i, contains the capitol of Honolulu, and, trust me, it wasn't an easy adjustment.

I know a lot of people think to themselves "How could you complain about moving to paradise?" Believe me, Hawai'i itself isn't the problem. The issue is the distance between my home and this very strange new place I live in. I am over two thousand miles away from the place I grew up knowing, and this new place is very different in comparison.

The Realization Stage

I find that a lot of women getting married to an Army soldier think that this is going to be a wild adventure and that it is going to feel like a movie. Well, I can agree that it will be a wild adventure, but it definitely won't feel like a movie. There's so much that you have to take into consideration when you begin this new life of yours, and most don't know that until it is too late.

For me, the biggest mistake, or realization, I made was that the Army was going to take care of us. This is partly true, but there's a lot, an I mean a LOT, you will have to figure out on your own. An example would be, anytime you are given information you should double check it because they don't always share all the details, that are super important.

My first experience with this was when they told us we would be reimbursed for the hotel we were staying at once we got to Hawai'i, but they did not tell us that only some hotels would be reimbursed. The hotels have to be TLA Approved. TLA stands for Temporary Lodging Allowance, and luckily for us we were able to cancel our original reservation to the the hotel that was on base. Which all hotel bases are TLA Approved, and is always the safe route.

Another thing the Army likes to do is give you "Opportunities", but they can be misleading. Many women entering their new found life, in a brand new place, will be job hunting. The Army has something called the ACS, and they advertise themselves as a means to help out the dependents of the soldiers. This is somewhat true. They are a sort of middle man. They will host career fairs and they will host seminars on how to get a job. Although they do those things, many women get the idea that they are similar too, or are actually, a staffing agency. This is NOT true, and, unfortunately, you'll find a lot of things to be falsely advertised.

I've noticed in different Exchanges, also known as the PX, that there is usually a place for soldiers to get their haircut, and a place for everyone else to get a haircut. For the soldiers they get a discounted cut, but the salon that us women go to, since we are not getting the standard military cut, will not be discounted. No tax either way though.

There is a very common stereotype that most women just endure. That stereotype is that most Army wives marry their partner for their money. The problem with this isn't the fact that there are some women who have married their partners for their money, it's usually one of two other reasons. One being that the treatment of the soldier is very poor and undeserving. Or two, which is that we, as fellow people, judge their life as if they are wrong for existing.

There are so many things that women don't see coming once they marry their soldier. Some of the things that I won't go into too much detail about is that there is a very prominent patriarchal group that exist, and can be quite overpowering. Another thing that I have personally struggled with a lot is that there is a huge pressure on the woman to produce a family even if she does not want to have children. They will say things like "You know you want one." or "It's only a matter of time." Which can seem like they are just teasing, but it is very condescending. Your body is your own and don't let anyone tell you differently.

There is much that we won't fully understand until we live it. This is something that our community of Army Wives will have to consistently get used to. The Army is a continued learning process and there will always be new things that might set you back or cause turmoil.

The Adjustment Stage

I feel as though when women face adversity, and I mean a real trial, in life there is a moment when they get fed up with the pity parties and the judgement coming from other people. There is no changing anyone's mind about anything, you can only make choices for yourself. This adjustment stage is when women take action to transform themselves to take care of their own problems the best way they can. I see this a lot when they stop depending on the Army's "resources" and more on their own competence and skill. There is nothing we can't do.

For me, it was deciding to start my own business. Which took a lot of saving and working jobs I hated. I finally did it, but it wasn't without struggle. I had to sacrifice time and effort working those ridiculous jobs to get to a point to finally invest my savings to opening my store. Although the sacrifice was made I don't regret it because I have finally began the journey of following my dreams.

I find that when women get over the rough emotional journey that is the realization stage, they really start to undergo a real change. This is the time to find a dream and put in the work to make it a reality. A lot of the women of the military become business owners. This is great because it is something that is of your own creation and has nothing to do with being an "Army Wife". It gives you a sense of independence, and the great thing is that there are plenty of other things that can give you that. Your options aren't limited.

There is furthering your education, which a lot to choose to do, and I think that's great! I personally did not go down that road, because I don't learn well in a classroom. I also hate deadlines that I don't set myself. I don't like to be rushed by anyone other than myself. Which is a struggle for my husband(I am currently laughing a little).

The Enduring Stage

I find this stage to be the one that is the most difficult. Truth is, marriage is no fairy tale, and living with someone who goes through a life changing experience in Basic Training can really take a toll on you. I am going to get personal here, so be ready. My husband is not the same man he was before the Army, and most men aren't.

They are trained to act under extreme stress and pain. They undergo extreme physical tasks. One person among the people my husband trained with fractured their hip and still went on the obstacle course to meet that requirement so they could graduate on time. This is unbelievably stressful on the mind, but not just because of the physical toll. Those 8 weeks, sometimes longer, they are in basic training they aren't allowed to see anyone they love.

This means they are enduring the most intense physical training they will probably go through, especially if the soldier has a not combat MOS, and they can't even go to the people who care for them at the end of the day. This will take a huge toll on the marriage because they will be different. They will respond differently, and sometimes they won't look the same. It's more than a lot of people can handle, and it can lead to divorce.

I say this because it is a very serious thing to understand about these soldiers but that does not mean there isn't hope. There are plenty of psychologists and behavioral health specialists that can work with the soldier to get to a better emotional and mental state. They are bound to confidentiality and have made a really great improvement on my husband.

I know it's a seemingly embarrassing thing, at first, but we all need help. Now that there is an understanding on the soldier's state of mind, the reader should know that as a wife, when you get reunited with your partner and they aren't the same person, it's a huge event. There is so much that the wife will have to get used to; mood shifts, personality changes, lack of emotion, less talkative, change in opinions, and many others. It's good to keep in mind that these things are not result of the wife or the soldier.

The wife will have to endure the new person that they are married to, because underneath it all, the same person exists they just have new quirks. Some quirks are unhealthy which is why it's good to seek a mental health professional for both parties involved.

Families that get reunited have quite a lot of work to do too, because there is there is missing time that the soldier can't get back to watch their kids grow. That's emotionally taxing and they will often times reassurances that family dynamic can still work. The wife will always be the legs that keep the family moving forward, and it can be exhausting. So self care isn't just a guilty pleasure, it's an absolute necessity. If you have no fuel you're not going any further than where you are when you stopped.

Relationships are tricky when one part is working and the other is not. It's a team sport and that means all the moving parts need to be in sync. There is no bench in this sport. Everyone is on the field on the time, and you can either get hit in the face or run with what life throws at you to end zone. I don't know football, but I hope that made sense. The point is you need to work hard with the whole family to keep things moving, and give support when and where needed.

Enduring the changes of a new life somewhere far from your home with a person you may barely recognize is just something an Army spouse has to do. There's not much fairness in it, because it isn't just the soldiers who go through intense physical and mental stress. The families go through just as much and know that one day their beloved soldier may not come home one day. It's the job of an Army spouse to keep moving forward for themselves and for the sacrifice of the fallen.

Bare in mind that no woman is better than another, but we all have our strengths. The Army wife carries fortitude in their backbone and live through a turmoil that most don't even realize is happening. They are underestimated human beings and deserve more respect than they are given. I personally have struggled admitting this to myself, because I let myself believe the awful things the world was telling me. That "I'm not worth the money", and that "he could find someone better."

I never want to believe those things ever again so I won't. I am more than what they tell me I am, and that's the only thing that matters. I am an Army Wife and I am strong.

Sakkera Soto