The Love of my Life...

I loved her. I loved the way she spoke. I loved the way she moved. I loved the way she thought. I loved the way she smiled. I loved the way she lived. I loved the way she made me feel. I loved the way she repeatedly came back into my life. I loved the way she enhanced my life. I loved the way she interacted with others. I loved her more than life itself...

And that happened to become my ultimate mistake.

From the moment we met in class during our senior year, I knew she was something special. I had prior knowledge of her existence due to my friends, but I never interacted with her myself. One day she texted me thinking that I was somebody else, but once she realized I wasn't that person we immediately began texting. It was deja vu all over again, as we hit it off like only one other person prior to that have (a Muslim whom wanted to be my friend).

However, I was optimistic that fate would favor the unfortunate, and that I would become hers and she would become mine. These were not my initial feelings, but within a few weeks of talking to her I felt our bond was ludicrously strong. We FaceTimed every single day, texted with an incredulous level of zeal, and spent as much in person time together as possible.

And then my feelings went from high level interest to an I might actually be in love.

Just by my sheer existence, she bought me a few gifts and wrote a handwritten letter with all of the things she loved about me on it, with a ginormous "I Love You" at the bottom. This changed the game entirely. Someone that I actually had feelings more took time to write a letter, give me gifts, and simply think about me on a higher spectrum than anyone else I ever met?! Dream come true. I shifted my mentality, and started chasing a relationship with her with more aggressiveness than ever. There was simply no way I could lose!

And then I crossed "boundaries" and ended up getting ghosted for a few days...

Essentially one of my best friends told me that you "miss all shots you don't take", which is a very true concept. With this in mind, I talked myself into kissing her on the forehead before she went on a trip with her fellow cheerleaders. Terrible mistake. I did not go through with it due to hesitation, and the moment soured into awkwardness. Afterward, she clarified that friends do not kiss other friends, and ghosted me. Eventually, I won her back over via simping to a high level, but the vibrations from before the "incident" were never recaptured. Even when we went on a date, or hung out as she would put it, at the movies and held hands, she maintained a stance of "friends but ya never know..." in reference to us being together. She even said "God sent you to me" during one of our calls, validating my unrequited effort to make us into an item.

And then our relationship went through a hellish phase...

She severed the bond between us due to pressure from the outside world to either claim me as a boyfriend or let me go. She ultimately chose the latter, and it shattered my entire world. For the better part of the prior 2 months, she had become my universe, my happiness, why I enjoyed life itself. I allowed her to surpass myself within the hierarchy of my existential perspective. And where did that get me? A relentless case of depression (aka mental weakness or scarcity mindset in my scenario), which was empowered by our deteriorating relationship. By January, I had been blocked on social media. And somehow, we recovered and became friends again. I became cold to others, especially women, as I refused to even attempt being vulnerable again.

Over the months following, I talked to other women and almost lost my virginity on a girls birthday. However, deep down I knew I still loved the girl who ripped my heart out and ate it for breakfast. Even though we rode waves of positive and negative terms, the Coronavirus Pandemic allowed time to scar up open wounds. With this time, we eventually became friends again, because she lacked the pressure of actually having to see me in person. In the months that followed, I spoke to her consistently but not nearly at the same level as before. Eventually, she went off to college and I remained in our hometown. I tried to replace her in my heart with other prospective women, but the void only increased in size. There was simply no one like her.

Which is why I abandoned my job of Chipotle to escape my hometown and visit her in college. While she was not the focal point of the trip with my friend, I placed emphasis on wanting to see her before we left. And I did, only for it to amount of a hug, a few minced words, and some smooth awkwardness for lack of a better term. Another terrible mistake by me, as I ended up getting fired before finishing up the work week. Luckily I had another job lined up with UPS, meaning I could afford to quit and not skip a financial beat.

Eventually, she came back from college and rejoined her parents in our hometown. Between the timing of my visit to her return, we re-established our old connection to lessened degree, but still potent enough for her to want to go out with me. We wound up in the mall, where we walked around, ate, talked about life, sat in the same table, held hands, took random pictures with my Sony A7C, etc. Then we went to an amusement park venue, where we drove in the same GoKart, rode the same rides, took more selfies, and ended up departing at the doorstep to my house. The moments in the car on the way to my house and the majestic nature of our departure will never fade within my mind. We did not kiss, but it was everything I ever wanted from the best girl I never had. This day strengthened my resolve that it was meant to be, that she was the one, and that we would be together eventually. Weeks following that day, we spoke almost every single day, with each conversation descending into more and more contempt. Despite my eagerness to show her I cared about her, viewed her as special, and being honest with my feelings, she was stubborn in her perceptions as well.

And then she cut me off...99% chance forever this time.

She believed in limitations. I did not. Therefore when we compared me to the likes of people whom she does not even communicate with or do anything for, I lost it. Why?! I was a confident for the stresses in her life, I was consistent in my love for her, I reassured I would always be there if she needed me...so why am I just another guy? Even if she only considered me a "friend", surely our experiences would give her reason to place me on a different level relative to others. That thought was for naught however, as she reinforced the position of me not being special. She was special to me. I was regular to her. That was our war. Our beef. Our conflict. And instead of putting out the fire, she let it burn our relationship into ashes. I went as far as to buy her a Christmas gift of AirPods, with the mentality that if it was my last hurrah I would make it unforgettable. She ended up trying to give the gift back, but instead she supposedly gave it away to someone else. I took time out of my day to buy an expensive gift and pick it up from Target, only for it to get thrown in my face because we were on "bad terms."

And now we do not communicate whatsoever, she blocked me on social media, and now I want nothing to do with her...

Moral of the story: Do not let the highs get too high, or the lows get too low, stay the course. In other words, do not let the effects or results of a relationship affect the trajectory of your life. No relationship is ultimately more important than the relationship with yourself. Bonds can be built, broken, and replaced no matter what if your mind genuinely believes, your own life cannot. No one comes before you, not even "The One." Make sure the person whom you consider "The One" is someone whom you can thrive without and vice versa, as only when two people choose one another is a relationship its most magnificent. No toxicity, no reliance, no dependence, no neediness, simply unconditional love and the drive to aid one another in becoming the best that they can possibly be. That is all.