The Loneliest Year: Part Ten

December 2020

I tested negative for COVID-19 multiple times.

Unable to bear the thought of spending a 37th year single and alone, I decided not to acknowledge or celebrate Christmas at all this year. And it honestly made things better.

I read a book called Reality Unveiled by Ziad Masri, and I finished it in two days. Before Jesse, I wouldn’t have believed or understood most of it. But it all made sense now—the holographic matrix, reincarnation, aliens. I was onboard, but also super chill about it. Sure, aliens were real, but unless they were hot and single, I wasn’t overly concerned. At the heart of the book was the idea that the purpose of life was to practice unconditional love with one’s self and with others. I recommended it to Cesar, because we’d talked about a lot of the topics on our one date.

Since the cancellation of our second date, we’d stayed in touch via text. He told me he thought I was hot and considered himself lucky to have matched with me, and I still believed we’d date if I was just patient. Also, as he was extremely unhappy with his living situation, I offered him the opportunity to move in with me, and he said he would think about it.

While studying The Gene Keys, my agent, Gerard, called and told me that I'd been pinned for Good Trouble. A few days later, I booked the role (after getting my afro trimmed just in case), and I shot my scene on a Friday. Everyone on set wore masks when we weren’t filming, and it was a nice day.

The day after I booked Good Trouble, I hooked up with my bisexual neighbor who was now officially in an open relationship. I wasn’t worried about COVID-19 with him, because we were both careful. After we had sex, he placed his hand on my heart while we chatted, which was something Jesse used to do.

While it was nice to have sex again, I discovered I didn’t want to be with someone who had a partner. I wanted someone of my own, and I wished I were with Cesar instead.

A week after hooking up with my bisexual neighbor, I hooked up with a guy named Joey via Grindr who smelled good. Like nice soap. We hooked up twice in one week, and then I deleted Grindr from my phone, because I recognized I wasn’t in a place to make healthy life choices and I chose to stop myself from heading down a self-destructive path.

I started going on Zoom dates with a comedic baker I saw on Twitter who lived in Pennsylvania. His name was Victor, and I liked him a lot. He was really cute, and we both made each other laugh.

While re-watching Pushing Daisies, I saw the silhouette of a hot guy featured in a flashback, and when I looked up the shadow’s owner on IMDB, I found out that I’d already slept with him. Way to go, me.

I drove to the Canyon to go on a walk with Phyllis for her birthday, and at the end of our walk, I saw a missed text from Cesar. I’d reached out earlier to see if we could meet in person, and he could only do so that evening, so I drove to Santa Ana last minute in horrible traffic to give him his Christmas gift. I gave him a book that was specially designed for him based on his birthday, birth time, and location; and I also gave him a healing heart bracelet that I’d ordered for myself, because he needed it more than me. I spent two hours and twenty minutes total in traffic just to spend thirty minutes with him. And it was worth it.

I recorded music and a video for “Hard Candy Christmas” and I sent the link to Jesse and Cesar. Jesse didn't respond, but Cesar said that it was "so good." And my friend, Jimmy Fowlie, shared it on his Insta-Story, which really made my day.

After two weeks of not being able to order black cherry ricotta cheesecake, I was able to find it at another location. I ordered four of them, and then I became sick of them.

I read half of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and hated it. Vehemently.

I had two Zoom dates with a guy named Collin who was covered in cat scratches, but incredibly sweet.

After finishing my re-watch of Pushing Daisies, I discovered the show Forever, about a medical examiner who solved crimes and instantly came back to life whenever he died. The lead was strikingly handsome, and I was all in.

I had THE MOST AMAZING BURGER of my life. From Wendy’s of all places. And I wasn’t ready.

I discovered that the nearby 7-Eleven carried Jumpin’ Jack Cheese Doritos, which were incredibly rare and hard to find, and I purchased them in bulk.

I bought my first scratcher from that same 7-Eleven and won $15. Sheer abundance.

Cesar FaceTimed me once while I was practicing the piano just to say “goodnight.”

The “Believe” Post-Its were working.

On Christmas Eve, I wanted to treat myself to a special meal, so I drove thirty minutes to pick up lunch-to-go from Red Lobster.

I’m not sure what I was manifesting on Christmas Day, but an unusually high number of straight dudes texted me “Merry Christmas.”

I video-called my mom via Skype, and I also got to see my dad and my cousin, Danan.

The highlight of my day was getting a Christmas text from Cesar, because 1) as he was raised a Jehovah Witness, he never celebrated any holidays, and 2) he was thinking about me.

I became obsessed with playing Chess on my computer, because it required so much concentration I couldn’t think about the flaming train wreck that was my existence. The week after Christmas, I would play all day and do nothing else, and I lost to the computer every time.

One night, I confronted Cesar about how disappointed I felt about him constantly canceling and rescheduling on me, and he promised me that we would hang out the next week.

I bought special oils that were supposed to strengthen my manifestations, increase my luck, and bring love into my life.

I went to an ENT to get my sinus pressure issue checked out, and I had to lay down a $250 co-pay to get a CT Scan. Read the room, CT Scan.

Kai, the German guy from Twitter, requested my autograph, and I mailed him two headshots with my autograph and a thank you card. It cost me $21.60. But I hoped it would make his day.

On New Year’s Eve, Cesar inquired about the possibility of us hooking up if he moved in with me, and I really liked that he was thinking about both of those things.

Later, I sent Victor a kiss emoji at 9 PM (because he's three hours ahead of me), and he sent me back a different kiss emoji and wished me “Happy New Year!”

As midnight struck, I was alone in bed, watching the series finale of Forever.

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Part Eleven:

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Note from the Writer

This is part ten in a thirteen-part essay series that details my year in quarantine from March 15, 2020 to March 15, 2021. If you enjoyed this essay, I hope you'll add a heart and continue reading the other essays in the series.

Tips are not mandatory, but greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading.