The Last "Normal" Photo

It was the second time we had gone to The Met together. It was the first day that the weather was nice. It felt like spring. I remember being so excited because it meant summer was just around the corner. I had just gotten back from Texas the week before and we missed each other dearly so we decided to spend the entire Sunday wandering around the city. We met at Starbucks because that is my usual ritual every time I go to The Met. Something about that walk seems surreal now. I can’t remember a single thing we talked about but I know that there was a moment when I looked at him and thought “I hope we do this a lot this summer”.

That was the last time I stepped foot in The Met. There are days now when I get upset thinking about it. A lot of questions will rush through my mind. Will I ever go back? When I do go again, will it feel different? Will I appreciate the art more? Did I appreciate it enough? Did I take enough pictures? Did I make enough memories? There are a lot of amazing places in New York, but nowhere felt more like home than The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I would go there almost every week. When I first moved to New York and was crashing with my friend, I remember sitting on the steps after seeing a horrible apartment and crying to my mom because I felt like I would never find a place to live. For some reason sitting on those steps made me feel better. It made me feel like I was home and like I belonged there. It is the most comforting place in New York for me. In a city that is intimidating and feels as though it will swallow you up sometimes, it is nice to have a place that feels safe. I will always be grateful for the time I spent there.

I’m glad the last time I went to The Met was with him. One of my favorite things about him is that he would call me Miss Metropolitan. He came up with that nick name because I talk about The Met and art nonstop. It always makes me smile. We had so much fun that day. I remember laughing the entire time and sneaking photos of him looking at the art. He took a lot of photos of me too. They are nice to look back on. I’m grateful for that day and to have those memories.

After we were finished at The Met we decided to spend the rest of the day in Central Park. We walked to my favorite spot, the Belvedere Castle. That’s where I took my last “normal” photo. He used to always laugh when I stuck my tongue out at him so I was doing that a lot when he took photos of me. The last “normal” photo is one of me sitting on the ledge of the Belvedere Castle. The background is an incredible view of my favorite city in the world. I had no inclination that it would be the last one. My office at the time wasn’t even talking about working remotely or even mentioning COVID-19 at the time. I can’t recall if we even discussed the virus that day. It was just so insignificant at the time. I think that may be the beauty of those photos. It was the last time we were so unaffected by the chaos that now surrounds our life. It seems like it’s all we talk about now. Whereas before we would talk about ourselves and how much we like each other. We were very precious together.

Because of COVID-19 he left to be with his family in California and I am leaving to go back to Texas to wait out the virus. We still talk everyday but things are different now. At the beginning of this, we thought we would be in quarantine for a couple of weeks; a month tops. It’s been over three months now and there is no telling when we will see each other in person again. There are some days when I get really anxious about everything. I don’t think things will just magically go back to normal. I still sometimes think of the possibility that I will never be able to see him again. It devastates me. He is one of the greatest people I met in the city when I first moved here. He reads books and likes history. He has kind eyes and an amazing laugh. He has this incredible outlook on the world and a voice I could listen to forever. He also tells me I am a “rare woman”, which no one has ever called me before. It always makes me feel special when he says that.

I used to joke when I first moved here that I felt like I was on vacation because I was having so much fun living in New York. Now it feels like it really was a vacation because I am on my way “home” to Texas. When the city shut down it destroyed me. I cried violently when The Met announced it was closing. I didn’t physically leave my house for over 60 days because honestly if The Met was closed what was the point of even going outside?

Looking back, I would have hugged him harder and longer before he left. I would have taken more pictures of him climbing the rocks in Central Park. I would have told him how much he means to me in person. I hope I get to do that soon.

It feels really juvenile of me to complain about the next time I am going to see someone when there are so many people in the world losing their loved ones right now. That is my biggest fear honestly. I don’t know what I would do if I lost someone during this time. The way people have to mourn and grieve has changed and become so limited because of what is going on in the world. Everyone is scared to hug one another, everyone is wearing masks, not everyone can go to the funeral, if there even is one. I’m just not sure it is something I would be able to handle. I honestly commend everyone who has lost someone during this time. Whether it was because of COVID-19 or something else. I want to commend them on their strength. It’s strength I don’t think I have in me.

This situation has been very difficult for me. I just moved to New York from Texas back in October and there were so many things I was looking forward to that I haven’t been able to experience now because the city has shut down. However, I am also very cognizant of how hard it is on others. There are people dying from this every day, there are people going to work in fear of contracting the virus and getting sick themselves, and there are still people living on the streets wondering where their next meal will come from. It makes me grateful for everything I have. It makes me grateful that I am able connect with the people I love so dearly in my life even if I cannot physically see them right now. I am grateful I am able to sustain my life still.

So much has changed since the last “normal” photo I took on my phone. It is crazy to think of that time as the “good old days”. I never understood the saying “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”, until now. I had a million plans. I put off doing so much in New York. I always said I would do it when the weather was nice. Now I realize it was silly of me to make so many plans. I have always said that the world has a way of giving you what you need. In a weird way this pandemic has helped me realize that even though I felt like it, I wasn’t fully living. I put way too many things off. It is sad that it took a pandemic for me to realize this. My new goal for my life is to wake up every day and do what feels right. Especially once I get back to New York.