The Key to Happiness 🔑

When I was 10, my family moved from San Diego to a small town in Ohio. It took us 7 days, and it quite literally felt as if we were moving across the entire United States. It seemed like a very long way from what I knew as my home in San Diego, where I was born.

There in Ohio, I continued to live and struggle for the next 12 years of my life. I learned that 'expressing' myself outside of what everyone seems to perceive as normal or popular, caused problems for me. When expressing myself verbally, and stating my perspective about things, or through clothing, and artwork, other kids and adults frequently made fun of me. They called me weird, stupid, ugly, and also fat. I felt so embarrassed, and painfully hurt so often.

Fitting in was the only option I saw to take. I started to change from being 'me' to what seemed 'normal', and by 'acting' like everyone else I began to lose myself, and who I used to be. I felt troubled and sad, and eventually became depressed, because I wasn't expressing anymore who I was.

Nevertheless, I did not anticipate that a person like me would end up in jail. I would never purposely commit a crime to hurt anyone or anything. I was pulled over by a police officer one afternoon, he informed me that I was driving with a suspended license, and gave me a ticket for that.

When I tried to find out what happened, I was told that a court letter 'to show proof of insurance for my vehicle' had been sent to my previous address, and consequently, I never received that letter. I had proof of insurance in my glovebox, but at this point, it didn’t matter to the police officer, or the court.

Since this 'changed-me' didn't care deeply about consequences anymore, I headed towards trouble. Thinking, that the only option I had to get to work, was to drive my car, I continued driving without having fixed my suspended license problem.

I was close to getting my driver's license back, and decided to buy a car, and drove it to work the same day. When I was headed home from work that night; the breaks went out, and I crashed into another vehicle.

The accident caused me my fourth offense for driving with a suspended license. I was arrested, and had to spend two weeks in jail. For not resolving my suspended driver's license, not only did I have to pay with jail time, but a combined amount of $3,000 in tickets, and court fines had accumulated as well. If I would have waited a little longer to drive, I might have never gone to jail.

Remembering my thoughts in jail back then: My skin was terribly irritated, and I was freezing. The scratchy thing I was using as a blanket didn't agree with my skin. Shivering, I was lying on the floor under a blue chipped spiral staircase. The only thing I was able to do was trying to think happy thoughts. I had told people before: "Warm yourself up on the inside, and you will warm yourself up on the outside", but that seemed a lot more challenging than I thought at the time.

I turned over towards the concrete wall, and tucked that scratchy blanket under all of my body parts, trying to absorb as much heat as possible from my own body. I had closed my eyes, and started thinking about anything to make me happy.

I knew that; first ignoring my driver's license suspension, and second not fixing it fast enough before driving, brought me in this position, but regardless I shed tears that felt like they were shredding me.

Even though I knew that my situation wouldn't be forever, it still felt as if every minute was an eternity. With a heavy heart, I pondered that this was certainly not the life I meant to create for myself. It was a life that I had sabotaged. I had a hard time resting, or to fall asleep, and remained cold the rest of the night.

While in jail, and especially on the day I was released from jail, I was determined to create the best me that I can become from then on. I would be exploring my gifts and talents, and to give myself a chance to live before I would destroy the gift life gave me. Life gave me a seed to grow and to nurture, a human body, and energy. Life gave me something for me to experience life itself with.

By the way: I friend of mine forwarded me an article about the justice system in the United States with this exact headline:

'How America Became the World's Largest Jailer'

and I was really shocked.

You can Google that headline, if you are interested to read it.

Another article that my friend also forwarded to me has this exact headline:

'Dutch prisons are closing because the country is so safe'

You can Google that headline as well.

And this is an excerpt from that articel about the 'Dutch justice system':

"A number of factors underlie the Netherlands' ability to keep its crime rate so low, namely, relaxed drug laws, a focus on rehabilitation over punishment, and an electronic ankle monitoring system that allows people to re-enter the workforce."

What an extreme difference in justice systems!

Doesn't it seem as if the US justice system can hugely benefit from improvements?

However, somebody told me before: "People cannot help others well until they have helped themselves first".

I decided to passionately create my project: 'to become the best me that I can become', and to help others doing it too.

I love Mahatma Gandhi's quote: "Be the change that you wish to see in the world", and that is exactly what I want to work on.

Figuring out what we are good at, or can be good at, and what we want to do, when we want to do it, is an act of creation.

Our lives are a creation, an art-form, and a craft. Every move we make is a stroke of beauty. What we put in, we will get out. It will be best to take some time to figure things out, and not to rush.

Let's make every detail in our craft stand out. When a part gets finished, we move on to the next step. In some cases, we have to wait until we can do the next step, like an oil painting.

Taking the time, and the proper steps in making sure our craft is coming along, is important. In doing so, our creation can speak its truth in every detailed structure.

Deciding our actions, our timing, and our craft, we choose our life.

It's helpful to have the best tools available, because it takes tools to accomplish most projects. Knives, brushes, materials, such as cloth, or clay, shovels, scissors, pens, or machinery, etc., are needed to achieve the best possible creation.

As most of us experience, almost nothing is free, and I didn't have much money in my younger years to buy tools. The wage of a server in Ohio is $4.10, and I sacrificed just about all of my free time to work three jobs. (One job to pay bills, a second job to pay for rides to work, since I still didn't have my driver's license back, and a third job to save up money to navigate myself to a more favorable and conducive environment for what I want to do, and create). I worked for a car dealership in the morning, then I went on my way serving tables in the evening, and then home to take a nap to go to work afterwards in a warehouse graveyard shift. It was very draining, although the busy schedule kept me out of trouble.

I had put in time and energy for myself, made goals, and have accomplished quite a few of them.

Eventually I said goodbye to Ohio, and with that left everything that had been hurting me there, to move back to San Diego where I had been born, and lived until age 10. It's a 2,000 miles distance between Ohio and San Diego. Whew. That was a big step for me to uproot myself in Ohio, and to establish a foundation and stability for myself in San Diego.

In San Diego, I started to increase my understanding of who I am, and that helped me to relax more. I noticed my perspective changing. Exploring the area, I have been experiencing how beautiful life can be.

At this point in my project, (which is still becoming the best me that I can become), my head is above the water. It's like my eyes have poked out of the soil, with my nose, mouth, and verbal expression still working on breaking free. I have been figuring out what I like and want, and what I don't like or want. Finding myself, I am unable to claim to be depressed anymore. Feeling authentic, and apparently being perceived as such, is a great gift.

I utilize alone-time to meditate, which I taught myself to do. Meditation became a great tool of mine. Practicing meditation helped me with my self-discovery. It caused me to became more conscious of myself, and my actions. I even started thinking about past actions of mine, and it helped me to understand how I got to where I was. I began to remember everything that has caused me some traumatic pain. I have been through years of verbal, and sexual abuse. I knew I had to heal to keep going forward. Many of my thoughts had been painful, and had driven me to unrest. I had to learn to resolve painful memories and feelings, and turn that energy into some sort of communication. I discovered Poetry to be a great tool, and outlet for that.

I found myself becoming much happier when I healed from the things that had hurt me. I found reason, purpose, knowledge, and light. Things weren't happening to me, but for me.

At one of my life’s lowest points, when I was in jail, I sparked the thought that I needed to reinvent myself. Sometimes the brightest ideas can come to us in the darkest moments.

A painter can spill a bucket of paint on a project, but still create beauty. A chef can add too much of an ingredient to a recipient, and add other ingredients to create balance. This dish could turn out better than planned. A fashionista can tear a hole in his or her jeans, and make it look like they meant for it to be that way.

I created this poem:

Spirit

This spirit of mine knows how to fly.

I am not in control, but I trust it to purify.

It makes me sigh,

It makes me cry,

But never toxify.

It will warm you if far or nearby,

Very different though not able to classify.

It can be confusing I can't deny,

But I'm always left at a higher high.

At this point, I have my nose, my mouth, my chin, my shoulders, my chest, and my waist above the soil. I was wiggling around, dancing in my skin, when my new-found body and mind had realized its abilities. I wanted to take care of this joyful project that I was gifted with, by making sure it is being molded perfectly, and building onto foundation. To ensure my project operated smoothly inside and out, I made sure the nutrients matched the growing atmosphere that I placed myself in.

Appropriate nutrients are a very important tool. I cut out anything that wouldn’t fuel me, because as the saying goes: "You are what you eat" .

Quite funny, I consider myself a flower, a fruit, and a herb for healing, and that's strictly what I consume now. I generally eat things that grow out of the earth; fruits, vegetables, seeds, nuts, and grains.

Unintentionally I dropped 70 pounds, and went from 210 pounds to 140 pounds. It helped me to enter a new level of connection with my body and mind. I have been feeling so much more energized, even if I didn't want to do something I was up for the experience anyway, because I had some energy to spare.

It is wonderful to meet new people, and to share some of my project's positivity all around. We can spread great energy by honestly complimenting a stranger, or helping someone to pick up something that they dropped, or to help a friend through a rough patch. Simple deeds go a long way. Bright smiles between strangers brings joy to me, and as I have been noticing, to others too.

I have been learning about the E-motional Guidance Scale (See image/infographic):

On a spectrum starting with 'Shame' and 'Guilt' being at low vibrations between 20 and 30 to 'Peace' and 'Enlightenment' being at high vibrations of 600-1000. Most of the people in the world, according to this infographic, vibrate at about 200 or below. We all can help one another to raise our vibration, by giving each other experience of joy for example, and by encouraging to pass it forward. Interestingly enough, I realize now when I am around the 200 vibration range that I can practice 'Courage' to get myself to the brighter view of a perspective, or out of a bad situation.

I took steps to develop myself with my actions, and my tools. Meditation, poetry, food, and learning about vibration is what I utilize in the process of my project-development. I didn't pick up a pair of scissors physically, but I sure did do a lot of cutting out to get my project to the point it is at now. I cut out my bad influencers, unfavorable environment, my negative thoughts, unhealthy/toxic foods, and I developed skills in expressing myself in multiple ways.

People that have observed my growth have approached me on how they can do the same in their own life. Every person is a project, and every project holds its beauty.

I will never stop creating, since our projects are never finished.