The Hurt that Keeps on Hurting

I thought he was exactly what I needed.

Well...Just like the meteorologists on many occasions, I was wrong. I saw what I believed and I believed what I thought I saw. At times this man had a heart of gold. At other times this man was hell on wheels! I thought he was only that way because I made him upset. I mean I am three years younger than he is so maybe it was just my immaturity. Maybe it was because I was so quiet and shy towards him, that he accused me all the time. These are the things I believed. Not once was I able to see the truth about him. I believed he could do no wrong when all he did was wrong.

I never realized why was it ok for me to be held accountable for my wrong doings but for him he was able to make every excuse instead of just saying ”I was wrong”. At times I wouldn’t even confront him for hurting me because I knew he would magically turn the situation around on me and ultimately blame me for my own hurt! How can a person do this? Especially a person that claims to love me. I know that I would never do this to a person but I found myself in this horrible reality all the time. I struggled to keep my sanity. A part of me wanted to believed him but another part of me wanted love and respect in my marriage. I wanted to be valued as a person, I wanted my mate to be kind and tender hearted towards me like I was towards him. I thought that if I was a little more loving it would rub off onto him and he would see that I was for him and that I wasn’t the enemy. I thought my love would fix our marriage but I was wrong again. A relationship needs both individuals putting forth an effort to make it work. When one is wrong he or she must accept it understand that their words or actions hurt the one they love.

When I finally learned the truth and that I was in an abusive marriage I couldnt believe it. I was in so much denial. So much so that I had to keep reassessing the situation to see if it were true. It was. I had to let go. After wanting to die, I suddenly had a desire to live. I wanted to live life to the fullest.

So I got a divorce.

I thought this would automatically heal my heart and create wholeness within me. It was a start but there is much more that I need to do. I’m working on it but it is a process. Leaving was the first and biggest move that I had to make. I started writing but in order to write about it I had to think about it and thinking about it broke my heart over and over again. My heart feels like it would just burst from pain. But when I look at my children I know I must pull it together for them; they need me. I need me too. I need me to move on and live. I need for me to be happy. I need for me to keep on writing because even though the wound is still hurting, I am still healing. My victory is greater than my wounds. My wounds make my victory greater! As I type these words I’m still hurting but I know one day I will touch my wound and it will no longer sting, it’ll just be a scar with a story.