The heartache

I know this is not always the place to just release feelings. it’s lonely even though I have my son, I’m trapped within my feelings. My son feels sad when I show I’m sad so I don’t like to show it. But he is so sweet and he’ll come and hold my face and say mama. And give me a hug and a kiss. And this should make me happy more, but it makes me sad. Because he won’t have that happy family. He’ll just have me and I hope I’m enough. I guess in reality I’ve been enough because I’ve been doing it all alone. While this once love of mine avoided, lied, ditched out, kept being unfaithful, and physically hurt us both.

I know we deserve better. I know I deserve better. It hurts that this is the worst relationship I’ve ever had. It makes me regret, leaving past partners. And that’s silly to me that I could have so much love for four years and little over two and a half years it’s all crumbled away. I wish I knew the sign sooner. I wish I never held out hope. Relationships and love can get rough. some things just need time, but how much time was too much time? How much hurt was too much hurt?

I’m strong physically and mentally and I didn’t want to believe the abuse was abuse. I didn’t want to fail in loving when there was room to still grow and be better again. But everything just got worse until it got too much to sit through to much to stand. He hurt our son and I feel at fault. Even though it was not my hands that caused the hurt. I knew I shouldn’t trust him alone. I knew he wasn’t reliable, but I was trying to be helpful. I was trying to trust again after all that was broken.

It’s hard to sleep. It’s hard to eat, but I keep on keeping on for this sweet almost 2 year old boy I keep on showing him this happiness hiding deep within. I do not want to show him sadness just never ending joy. When it’s so overwhelming and he sees anyway I just try to explain as well as I can give him a loving embrace.

I need to live in the present and not think about the past or future. it’s really hard because on top of all of this, we are now being evicted. This is his friends families property and they don’t think it’s a good idea for me to live here without. Which is quite unfair as my dad also worked on this property when he was a child with the grandfather.

I feel like so much has turned upside And it’s really hard to hold onto the light when they’re so much being pull down. I know it can only go up from here because it’s down there’s only up to go. I wish she wasn’t on the birth certificate because then I’d have a place to go. I wish I could leave the state and go back to living life. I have a place to go just not in the state.

I wish I knew more legal resources to assure me that things were going to be OK. I’m so worried he’ll still gain partial custody. Even through all the abuse and neglect. I’d still don’t know if it would be best for him to just not see & learn these bad habits and things from his father. I just want our son to have the best life ever so he doesn’t have to go through things that I dealt with as a child. I don’t want him growing up around drunks, drug addicts, and people who are more addicted to devices than spending quality time together. I don’t want fake families I want real quality.

I’m filing for things, but I’m still really worried about my choices. It’s so overwhelmingly upsetting, but what I think is best might not be best. He’s a narcissist and not honest at all. He doesn’t like accountability or Responsibility. But how can I prove I’ve done it all? I just wanna end this constant worry and I’m glad he’s not been here since he kicked our son trying to kick me in the knee. And part of me hates that I still want things to work out between us because how stupid am I to think that it could ever be better between us when it’s been going on this long.

I don’t like that. It makes me feel stupid that I’m questioning it right it’s just normal when you’ve been in a loving relationship with someone this long and you’ve been patient and trying to work with them and make things better. it could never be better, he clearly did not want that. He just wanted to try to tear me down. I have so much love and respect for myself, and the things I have accomplished in my life so far. I know I can do anything. I set my mind to and there’s nothing I can’t accomplish. I’ve been on my own for so long but now with a child, I feel scared or worried that I’ll fuck up somewhere.

I’m missing connection. I’m missing love. I’m missing friendship. A lot of my friends don’t live around here and I am lonely, even though I’m with my son. Lonely and I want love, I truly thought he was my forever person. I gave and showed him all of the love. I realize I was wrong by spoiling him with my love that he took my love for granted. He took my love as a requirement, and if I wasn’t doing all of those things that I was that he wasn’t happy, but he could not reciprocate. He couldn’t even show me ten percent of that love when the pregnancy began. I took it as he’s freaking out about being a new dad. He’ll be better soon. Things will be great again. But that was hopeless I see now.

It’s even harder still that his dad and stepmom tried to warn me and I didn’t take it as such. I thought they just were not hopeful that their son was going to be this great father that he was saying he would be I thought they were just being doubtful and not letting him move from his past. But it wasn’t that they knew him well enough to know what happens when things get tough.. He’s a flight risk that will dodge his responsibilities.

I’m sorry about the long rant and I’m sure no one‘s going to reach this far. I just need some place to express since there’s no one to express to.