The Five Male Hinge Personalities

The internet is surely largely to blame for the recent-ish trend of transmuting traits and preferences into full-blown personalities. Now, it is no longer enough to enjoy a glass of Prosecco; you must own a pair of socks that say "Be there in a Prosecco," that you will lounge around the house in along with your "it's Prosecco o'clock!" pyjamas, clutching your mug emblazoned with "there's too much coffee in my Prosecco!" Do you see what I'm saying? You do don't you. See also: liking pizza, having a pug, doing CrossFit, etc, etc, etc, etc.

This trend has now leaked it's way onto dating apps; specifically Hinge. I blame the mandatory three questions and answers displayed on your profile (your 'simple pleasure' is a seat on the Northern line? So original x).

Broadly, there are five core male 'personalities' on Hinge, which I've broken down in a helpful guide for you to use as a companion in navigating the murky waters of trying to date anyone normal in 2019.

Personality 1: Liking Dogs

How to spot them: 70 percent of their photos are avec un chien [translated from French to "with a dog"]. All three answers will somehow be dog-related. For example; "I'll know it's time to delete Hinge when—I find someone who loves dogs as much as me," 'You'll know I like you if—I introduce you to my dog," "the highlight of my day is usually—petting a dog."

Look. We all like dogs. People that don't like dogs are a bit fucking weird. But a man who thrusts a dog in your face this much?? Surely compensating for something—having no personality of his own to speak of perhaps?

Liking dogs is not a personality.

Personality 2: Went travelling once

How to spot them:

Photo 1—Wearing a rucksack and a shit bandana.

Photo 2—Naked, arms spread wide, looking out at a vista in either Thailand or Bali.

Photo 3—In front of a temple wearing those trousers.

Date this man at your peril. He will either a. Get you hook, line and sinker with his spirituality and rejection of modern capitalism, make you fall in love with him, then leave you six months later to "find himself" in the mountains or b. Have found himself in the mountains already, and in which case is probably really quite annoying.

Going on holidays is not a personality.

Personality 3: Is Hungover on Sundays

How to spot them:

'Typical Sunday—hungover/ordering Deliveroo to my bed/dying on the sofa/trying to remember last night."

"What I order for the table—tequila"

Ladies. This is a red flag. Do not match this man. If you must, then go for a coffee date—he may well be hilarious and charming after a few drinks, but is beer the crutch he uses to prop up his limp chat? This is the only way to find out.

Drinking alcohol is not a personality.

Personality 4: Went to Posh School

How to spot them:

Bow ties. Rugby photos. Boat parties. Weird nicknames ("Spaffers", "Henners"). Skiing. Cricket. The Ship on bank holidays. Tweed. Wellies.

Being posh is not a—wait, it actually kind of is.

Personality 5: Married to the Gym

How to spot them:

Answers will be incredibly wanky; merely this morning, I came across a 'You should not date me if—you don't look after yourself'.

At least one photo will be a boomerang of them bicep curling at the gym, another will be flexing in the mirror.

Look. LOOK. It's not for me to tell you what to do. But I've been down this route before. I hope you like Nando's, because that is the only place you will get taken for dinner, owing to the restaurant having their calories in MyFitnessPal. This relationship will be 30 percent chicken, 70 percent disappointment.

Going to the gym is not a personality.

Ladies, there you have it. My research has been by no means exhaustive, but I have spent more hours on this app than I care to admit, and I am here to say: Every single man aged 20-35 on Hinge fits into one of these types, it is basic science. Which one you pick is all on you.