The Fight With In

She bares her teeth because how can you expect less from a female who has had to make hell home while fighting so damn hard for heaven because deep down, she knows that she carries an angel's heart.

How do you expect more from a girl who wants nothing more than to give her whole heart to everything that's around her, but constantly is reminded of why she can't and ends up feeling only her coldness drape over her skin projecting back all the bullshit that the cruelty of this life handed her?

She has survived her whole life completely alone to the point now alone is her comfort like a soft blanket in front of a woodstove on a cold winter's day, protecting her from the harsh cruelty of a world that has no room for the softness she truly holds inside.

What do you expect from the girl who not only was left picking up her own pieces of her shattered heart but also had every belief stripped from her, a girl who grew up in a world that only taught her that her sensitivity and beliefs in love were nothing more than the fables and fairy tales that she lay awake dreaming about while her worth only mattered in the hands of everyone who taught her everything but love?

A girl who lays in bed thinking that she is this beast but deep down knows that there in the center of her soul's core she carries something so much more yet is so scared to let down the walls she enforced as thick as they are high because every time she does she is reminded of why they didn't deserve her warmth.

So instead, she walks with anger at her fingertips acting and pretending like nothing mattered while her heart is slamming in her chest screaming at her that it matters, it all fucking mattered.

She is tired of hiding in the shadows pretending that the pain and heart break she endured in this lifetime doesn't exist when in reality she wants to drop to her knees and scream to the heavens that it wasn't fair. That the lessons she had to learn whether asked for or not should have never happened to a child, teenager and adult who believed in love.

Now when she looks in the mirror, she sees both light and dark and only can serve her dark because her light never served her. How do you expect her to be the light in the dark when her dark is so protective of her light?

How can you ask her to forgive those who bludgeoned her down into a world of pain that caused so much mental anguish because nobody cared to listen, a mental anguish that yes, she may have chosen to give into but yet couldn't help who she was meant to love.

What is love to a girl who holds so much of it but is afraid to touch it because it means everything yet nothing. All in the same sentence of the words "I love you" spoken in a world today where it is meaningless and yet expected, without the willingness of reciprocity and understanding in a society full of miscommunication where the only feelings mattered is that of their own.

So here the cycle continues battling on the inside of her, light or dark. She wakes up every morning choosing light but by the time evening envelopes the sky she fears she failed, questioning herself over and over if she was good enough. Falling back into the same mental patterns that she allowed others to instill in her because it feels like home.

Because home became a place where she holds all the blame, shame and guilt even if it wasn't hers to carry because she learned it was her job to shoulder all the pain for those she loved so they didn't have to, how natural it is for her to now feel at fault even in the moments she stands up for what she believes in.

Now she is fighting so hard to unlearn those patterns to find her strength and step forward into her own power of authenticity, embracing all the boundaries she sets place with all of the fuck yous and I think the fuck nots, has found her voice and isn't afraid to say this will not happen anymore.

But as exhilarating to stand for herself and accept all the dos and combat all the dont's her souls still silently whisper's "what about love" and she stops because she realizes her teeth are still snarled with her hair standing on end ready to claw at anyone looking to steal what she holds so dear. As she looks in the mirror and still sees the beast that forms in the night to protect her light that only question that forms in her mind is how?

How do you expect her to be love when at one point she was love and love was the very thing that destroyed her?