The Extinguished - Healing Unsettled

I've been tired so long, that at times it seems impossible to escape - this way of being, existing. Overwhelmed with the eternal to-do list of self-improvement. It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of this 3D reality. There's always bills to be paid. Jobs to be worked. Money to be made. Trauma to finally heal through. Study to be done.

There is always SOMETHING to be done.

And yet I wonder, how do people cope with this shit? How do people find peace with this checklist of Life? Why do we have to exist and live in this way that requires us to keep on moving?

I have been craving stillness. Peace. Quiet. To not be overstimulated and trapped in this matrix that demands we acquiesce to the societal pressures that require us to atleast attempt to survive, lest we fall at the wayside, into poverty, deep sadness, and oblivion.

I've contemplated for ages, what I've wanted my life to look like - to be filled with. I've longed for many days, weeks and years - of home. Not the structure that I grew up with my family in, but the people in this world that keep me grounded. Grounded in the sense that if not for their existence, their experiences, their personality, their laughter, their words of wisdom, their words of affirmation, the simple fact that they are alive and as well as can be, that I probably would not easily defer to reason and prayer and hope when it becomes difficult to carry on and continue living this life out.

We've experienced grief and loss. That feeling of numbness that makes everything feel as if its own existence has been muted. We've felt that earth-shattering fear, that causes one to lose steadiness in the breath and rationality in thought. Or even the crushing, heavy foot of anxiety, standing upon our chest and whispering, sometimes yelling in full voice, "You ought not be here. You don't deserve to stay."

I find as I go through this journey, that the voice never goes away. No matter how wide your smile was that day. No matter what you achieved that took all your energy and discipline and might. No one sees the inner world, the inner battles that we fight day in, and day out, with each passing second in time. There exist is all aware beings, an inner world, with its own free will and habits. A world that speaks to us through our longings and expressions, or lack thereof. It is that world, that I seek to honor. It is That world that I seek to bring out of me. To purge once and for all. Except, even that takes forever.

I find myself asking, "what is this Forever?" that we manage to live through. This Forever that is finite. What is the motivation of humans who know life to be factually impermanent for everybody? How do we not live every day, from the moment we enter the world, with this deep-seated fear and resentment, even, of the future. I've pondered if my desires, if my pursuits of happiness, or what I perceive to lead to happiness, even really matters.. After you've went through loss, when it is solidified that even the brightest spirits aren't promised tomorrow, it can become harder to believe that our dreams, the desires of our heart is worthy. And even more that it is worth it, to prepare for a Future not promised. We are forced then, to constantly choose with intention, what, if anything, is truly worth pursuing in this life. To escape the looming clock of Time, in which all things that have ever began, approach to extents unknown, their end.

What then, I wonder, is worth giving energy to?