The empty void he left behind

I met a person who RPéd as Sherlock Holmes, on a Discord server, we all had a characther we RPéd mine was Mary Morsan.

The server was a bit, chaotic but, it was fun. The people around us well they argued, they made drama but, hey it was fun. Felt like home in a way.

And Sherlock, well he was the Holmes often the butt of the joke.

He stood out, not even trying. I adorn his humor, it was sharp but, never cruel.

I enjoyed his takes on mental health, it was honest. He had Shizo, Depression and, whatever else not but, despite his sometimes channel deleting capacities and, disapearances you barely noticed it.

He was someone, special to me, he gave you the feeling that. He was truly there for you. That time when he talked about autism, as if it wasn't some defect like you normally feel and hear but, simply a thing part of life, well that hits you know.

And, so we end up being friends, slipping into a rythm of talking about our favourite shows, doing RP's. It was all so easy and, natural back then.

How I found myself, waiting for his reply after, a long message at night. I loved talking to him, his presents. Talking to him and, the rest felt like I belong, like I found a place, that I didn't know that I was missing. His partner Luca boy was he trouble that FtM could just not act normally and, was chaos incarnated, but, I understood his desire and, possesion of Sherlock.

Then everything changed....

It was subtle at first, and I normalized it. Made excuses because, well he had bad mental health but, it was more then that. Things changed, his enthousiasme, his demanour I could feel our distance increasing. It wasn't just his depression but, it sure as hell ate away our space, it seeped away like a monster. I tried keeping in contact, re-find out friendship as it once was but, I could feel him slipping away.

Then came the moment where he told me, he didn't want to vent to me, he had other friends for that.

Foolish as I was I, accepted it. Didn't push wanting to be the good friend, respecting his boundaries. It hurted. Then came the change in conversations, it started to carry a guilt, like I had no right to talk to him anymore, and was burdening his life. Chasing a dream of a friendship well beyond it's date.

He kept withdrawing more and, more said his studies where important but, I knew that to be excuses. He hadn't time for me, but when his partner didn't react for a week oh boy. Yet he couldn't see the irony in it. Does that comes off as jelous? Maybe but, at least I tried to support him. Told him Luca still loved him, supressed how I felt. I wanted my friend to be happy, even when I wasn't.

The truth was that our trust was broken long ago. Our friendship death, and I kept hanging on believing. How foolish I was for believing that.

And, then it ended, a block and, it was over. I didn't chase him. I knew he had stalkers in the past, and I refused to become amoungs the ranks of them.

Now many years later.

I still miss what we had, I miss the good times but, maybe that was just what I wished to see. Places on Discord feels empty now.

I think the closure parts that I found, came from seeing the whole picture.

I joined a Schizophrenia server and, the people there where kind, they helped me see.

He didn't fade because, of me.

I didn't fail him.

He faded because, he was sinking inside his own struggles. His depression and, Shizo pushed him further in.

I couldn't pull him out, no one could but, him. It was always going to be a losing battle against the never ending waves and, I? I was already good enoug, I wasn't being cruel our evil, not jelous. I just was human, with a basic need of needing understanding and, beloning.

It was about us both, fighting a war we couldn't see clearly.

Now? I allow myself to miss him. I stopped looking for replacement to fill the void he left.

I allow my memories, of what was real, without getting hanged up on what's long gone.

I move forward now, knowing how much the lose of him brought to me.

I don't regret meeting him, it's part of my story now and, reason why it mattered.

Even when that chapter is already over.