The Diary of Autumn Redden:

11/09/1992

I have never been good with introductions; however, I would best describe myself as introverted, observative, and unconfrontational. This is probably contributed to having an “eventful childhood” in a close-knit town, with a rather large family. As I have become older, I now assume most people have experienced trauma and grief in some way or another. I believe, one should be more conscious in the decision to accept their past for the sake of being more present to life occurring in the moment. With that said, I once made a promise to a young man named Joseph Fox, and this is me acknowledging the impact that he had on my life.

Now that it’s been a little over three years, I can hardly remember the first time that I met Joseph Fox. To be frank, I believe it was at a pool party. You end up getting invited to a lot of those when you are a teenager in the middle of summer in the Mojave Desert. He was a friend of a friend on a dry hot weekend afternoon. Officially, he was introduced to me by Lucy, one of the girls from my high school softball team, as her neighbor Joseph Fox (who goes by Fox). He was rather quiet, and we exchanged an awkward “hello.” I assumed he was just shy and excused myself to go change into my swimsuit.

Nothing to this day seams to beat that tingling rush of adrenalin on the first jump into a swimming pool. After a few hours of silly shenanigans and laughs we all dried off next to a roaring fire pit while the sun faded away behind the mountains. Together, we were quite the diverse group, yet we all connected on the notions of, “it’s too hot to exist” and “still trying to figure it out.” Once the conversation had died down, we turned our attention to my favorite thing about the Mojave, the stars. I like to joke that over the years the summer heat and painted night skies in combination has turned me into an owl. I have always appreciated my friends, but this group in particular, with this summer night’s energized air felt like magic.

The second time that I saw Joseph Fox was a coincidence, or so I thought. I had just started at Mammoth Lakes University a year before and was excited to be back for another semester. Within the first year I had managed to get picked up in a psych research group, land a job at the University’s Recreation Center (URC), and earn a spot on the President’s List. As I was walking from my dorm to my class one early fall morning, I saw Joseph Fox walk past me. In my mind, I wondered three things. The first thought being, “when did Fox start attending the university?” then to, “had he noticed me?” and last to, “would remember me from the summer?”. Not wanting to have to catch up to his rather brisk pace I decided to carry about my busy schedule.

My parents, unfortunately, had a bad habit of throwing their money at lawyers while fighting each other in a legal court battles throughout the entirety of my childhood. Because of this, they had no means to fund or further my education. Tuition, classes, books, and parking added up, so I thanked god for my beloved Aunt Emma for reaching out to help cover my $20,000 in acquiring student debt. Emma made it big in the IT industry during her early 20’s when she decided to take a chance on a garage investment stock that eventually became known to the world as Apple. On top of Emma being half her sisters age, my mother give birth to me as a teenager. Therefore, I’ve always felt more like a younger sister to Emma than a niece.

A week or so later at the URC’s onboarding introduction for my newfound job, I saw Joseph Fox yet again. The onboarding director had everyone introduce themselves, what their major was, and something interesting they had done that summer. I honestly cannot remember a single word that anyone said during that meeting. All I can remember was how our conversation made me feel once we were dismissed. That is when it happened, we connected. Conversation with Fox flowed effortlessly, and for some reason all my insecurities seemed irrelevant. Why were you so easy to talk to? After onboarding, Fox suggested we all hang out again, but this time at his place, in the apartments adjacent to the university.

My heart was racing waiting outside Fox’s door, just for it to swing open by Lucy shrieking, “I missed you!” Joseph Fox was the kind of guy that you would want to take home to your parents during the holidays, a real gentleman. He was composed, as sharp as an aspiring physicist should be, and for some reason obsessed with puns. As I stepped through the doorway I paused and thought to myself, “What is that god awful smell?”

Other than the apartment smelling a tad bit skunky, which I believe was coming from the people on the back porch, it was well, rather normal. The main thing that stood out to me were Fox’s bookshelves. They were filled to the brim with a few smaller piles beginning to form on the ground next to them. I took a moment to read through some of the titles. Most of them seamed to be textbook/workbooks, there were several books on lucid dreaming, and a bunch of other random classics. As I was about to turn around to rejoin the group, I noticed a small black notebook with a green pen hanging off the cover. I think he must of saw me eyeballing it because he made a b-line right to me and asked me if I’d be interested in borrowing a book. After a long pause of silence, I finally said, “surprise me.” Fox offered me a Kurt Vonnegut book and told me that he was one of his all-time favorite authors. A few more people showed up to Fox’s apartment and we ended up playing a drinking game that I had never heard of before while listening to some vinyl’s.

The next few workdays were a bit slow since everyone was still adjusting to the beginning of the school year. I sat down at a table at the front of the URC and decided to see what the hype with this Kurt guy was all about. I got about a quarter of the way through the book before I noticed Fox standing in front of me with two coffees. He exclaimed in a rather out of breath voice, “I don’t mean to roast the barista, but she messed up my order and gave me two coffees. Would you like one?”. I replied with a smile, “Yeah sure, thanks, I needed some caffeine.” Fox didn’t hesitate on the invitation and reached into his book bag to pull out his small black notebook and green pen, then began to write. After about 40 minutes, I broke the silence with saying, “you know, my favorite color is green.” Fox asked, “like my pen?” I responded with, “No, like your eyes.” With that statement Fox’s face flushed so bright that I thought he might pass out. At that moment, a student walked into the URC, and Fox in a jolt, got up to help them rent a bike. I sat there wondering what it was that Fox filled his notebook with.

Working with Fox soon became the highlight of my day. He would surprise me with the occasional caffeine boost while we worked on our varying personal endeavors. The semester flew by with me hardly noticing and now finals were just around the corner. The autumn colors made way for the snow that begun to contrast the beautiful mountain range that surrounded our secluded university. Once the snow reached the valley floor, the students didn’t care as much to rent bikes from the URC. Fox asked me if I would like to study with him back at his place one day after a rather slow day. I accepted, but on the condition that there would be coffee. I went back to my dorm to change into some comfier cloths with the expectation of puling an all-nighter. My first final for the semester was in just two days and I was developing nerves that only excessive over-studying could sooth.

When I got to Fox’s I was thankful that the skunky smell was gone with the party from the beginning of the semester. “What was up with the funkiness last time I was over?” I jokingly asked. Fox responded quietly with, “I have a medical card,” and left the conversation at that. We worked in mostly silence after that. After about my second coffee break my eyes were killing me so I decided to lay down on the couch. Surprisingly, Fox came over and sat next to my feet. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and was almost certain that Fox could hear it from where he was sitting. I broke the silence by asking, “So why exactly do you have a medical card?” I could tell there was an internal conflict going on in Fox’s head with whether or not he should tell me the truth. “I have suffered a long battle with depression and schizophrenia,” Fox said rather bluntly. I could tell by how white his face got that he regretted telling me that last piece of information. His eyes glossed over and he turned his head away. I sat up, and put my had on his and apologized for prying into his personal business. “I should probably get going it’s pretty late,” I finally said. He insisted in walking me back to my dorm. The walk back was one of those quiets that only the snow can create. I turned to him and said, “thank you for being my study partner this semester, you made the grind so much more enjoyable.” He said it was his pleasure and wished me a goodnight with a quick kiss on my forehead.

The next day when I showed up to the URC Fox was nowhere to be seen. I figured he had just stayed up late studying when he got back to his place. I went over to my work locker to grab one of my books for yet another final. I thought my eyes must have been mistaken because sitting on top of my psych book was Fox’s notebook with a handwritten note. The note read in green ink,

“Dearest Autumn,

Thank you for bringing the color back to my life in the last few months we shared together. Unfortunately, there is no cure to the sickness that runs deep within my genes. You have been such a blessing to be around and know that what it is that I am going through cannot be described in words. I have been suffering with my mind ever since I was a child and have become too tired to continue on with this life. I would like you to publish my life’s story from my journals. This is my last journal and within its covers you will find many of the stories familiar. The rest of my journals are in my closet within a cardboard box next to my dresser. I know that you will continue to be a light in others lives like you were to mine. Please do not dwell on the end of my journey for too long. I wish you all the best, and hope you are able to live a cherished life filled with endeavors I could never achieve.

Yours beloved,

Joseph Fox”