The Definitive Guide to Forgiveness

In the aftermath of being wronged, forgiveness can seem like an elusive, almost fantastical notion. Whether facing infidelity in a relationship, betrayal by a friend, or any other type of pain from the past, it can feel unfair that we have to do the work to find forgiveness and move past it.

And even though it is supremely difficult, it is entirely possible.

Here’s how to start.

First, you feel the aching sting, the shame, and the ever-present pain of holding on to the past. It feels like a subtle gnaw, a flash of anxiety, or looming stress even after all the tasks are completed and the day is done.

It is then in the subtle transition from day to night that you realize, the grudges, the self-righteousness, and the reluctance to forgive are only poisoning yourself. The quiet whispers of the soul murmur softly, to release what is holding you back, making you sick, and controlling your life in ways that lead to misery. This is the voice of compassion, the tone of forgiveness.

It is now that you realize that you are worthy, free of blame and that you deserve to be happy.

Here are five steps to expand our capacity to forgive.

1. Surrender to what you cannot control.

This means different things to each of us, but in this instance, the concept of surrendering is to make a clear choice to accept what is outside of our control. Relinquishing the quest to be right or to be justified in our bitterness, is surrender in it’s truest most courageous form. And sometimes this is what it takes to truly forgive. When we stop feeling that we must control everything and we start trusting that it’s already ours, we release the power that fear has on our lives.

When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to control every outcome. We let go. We give up the idea that we can control every situation, and we embrace reality for what it is.

2. Expand your empathy.

Try looking at the situation from another vantage point. Ask yourself, “Why would this person behave like this? Would I act similarly if placed in the same situation?” “What am I gaining by holding on to this injustice?” “Would my life improve if I forgave myself and others?” Think deeply about what forgiveness could do for your life and keep in mind that the practice of forgiveness is quite often an indirect, non-linear, non-cyclical process. It requires constant commitment and refinement.

Empathy is also essential for forgiveness. This includes empathy for the self and others. Modern culture seems to reward self-criticism instead of self-compassion. We think we will not grow without a healthy dose of criticism, but self-compassion is the elixir of life and the antidote for a weary soul.

3. Release the past.

In order to move forward in our lives, we must release the past and live in the present moment. Unknowingly, we often carry the past with us, and if we’re not aware of this, the past will weigh us down, and we will feel stuck. Without a regular practice of releasing, we store unprocessed emotions and create mental chaos.

Practice living in the present moment by sitting quietly and observing your breathing, or simply going outside and appreciating the beauty around you now.

You could also use journaling to be more present. By asking yourself a few questions, it becomes easier to release trapped emotions.

Consider the following: Who would you be without the anger, hurt, and resentment? How would your life be different?

4. Take your power back.

Start by writing a new story for yourself. You were not always a victim and forgiveness is not a one-time experience; you have to commit to choosing it over and over again. No one has the power to make you feel uneasy without your permission.

When the habitual hurtful feelings come back, remind yourself that you are choosing to forgive; you choose to take your power back, and you are choosing love. I use this affirmation to remind and encourage myself, and it has been very beneficial.

“Today I choose to be happy and free. Right now is the perfect time to take my power back, I choose to release old emotions and memories. I move forward with joy and peace.”

The willingness to change comes from our deep inner reservoir of self-love. It’s easier to seek it out when we believe that we are worthy of happy, loving and purposeful lives.

5. Embrace the lesson.

Each experience we have is a learning opportunity. Sometimes this may mean that we go through fire and water to get to where we are at. But it’s not for nothing because I can tell you that we come out stronger and better for it.

Some experiences are tougher than others, but it is through these difficult formative experiences that we are transformed and enlightened. If we are open to it, forgiveness grants us new perspectives and insights and is often the catalyst for great growth and meaning.

As part of the forgiveness process, self-forgiveness is crucial to move forward. We may judge ourselves for what we would have done differently. Instead, have compassion for the self and choose to give up the idea that the past should have been different. We can’t grow if we are held prisoner to a past that no longer exists.

Instead, view the past through the lens of forgiveness while also looking for the lesson. As we develop the discernment to look within, we free ourselves from the past and begin to progress forward.

When we embrace the lesson that forgiveness has for us, we also embrace peace, hope, gratitude, and love.

Forgiveness is the fortuitous key that unlatches our capacity for joy. It is with this self-awareness and generosity of insight that we can move toward the life that is waiting for us.