The Day I Went Back to My Ex

It’s weird seeing someone you tried to hate for so long. I was supposed to hate a guy for breaking my heart and wanting someone else. I always believed he was only seeing me because he wanted someone to lean on if the other girls weren’t available. He was on Tinder while he was dating me and he did tell my “friend” that he was down for anything, but my heart still had hope and my mind told me there will never be anyone better than him. He was the boyfriend that I always dreamed of, he was tall, had a car and didn’t have to hide me from his parents. Perfect, we were perfect. But once the rose-coloured glasses come off, you see the real person.

One drunken night in Niagara, I supposedly texted him and called him an asshole. Drunk people never lie. But, sober people lie all the time. In my heart, I knew that he was an asshole, he hurt me and made me cry. He made me feel like I deserved a guy like that. Obviously, if I knew all this I would do whats right and break up with him and cut it off before it become toxic. But in those few months, it already became toxic. I broke up with him. I changed for the better. I started looking for the happiness within myself.

As a little girl, I knew guys make you happy. I started off with getting Tinder. I coloured my hair blonde and got some piercings. I was going to be the baddest bitch you’ve ever seen. I was done with love, I wanted a boy that was hot and did bad things with me. I met Denver. Denver was a rebel, he owned a motorcycle, smoked weed, and climbed to risky places. He was perfect, but a thought in the back of my mind said he’s not it. So I had my fun and moved on. Then I met Patrick, also known as the Zayn look-alike. Patrick was the perfect boyfriend material, he didn’t make a move till the third date, he picked me up and dropped me off home and did anything I said. But I didn’t need perfect, I needed a rebel.

Then came Rick. From the start Rick reminded me of Aaryan, he was totally going to be my next boyfriend. He was depressed and lonely and I saw a part of me in him. He was sex crazy and had his heart broken. Rick didn’t need a girlfriend, he needed a friend to get him out of this puddle he was in. I went to meet him, not for him but I knew that Rick would help me move on. When I got to his house, he was wearing the same pants as Aaryan and a beanie. We went into his bedroom, played some video games and then we got closer. I took his beanie off and he started tickling me. Flashbacks of Aaryan came into my mind of him tickling me. He started kissing my neck, and again thoughts of Aaryan came flooding back. I knew Rick liked me and I knew I had feelings for Aaryan still. I was so happy on the way back home, but then something clicked. I was hurting myself and becoming someone I didn’t want to be. I had an anxiety attack that day. One day, I was standing in the kitchen, drying the dishes and I started crying. I haven’t cried since I broke up with Aaryan. It's weird how things can crash down in the matter of seconds. One second you’re on top of the world and the next barely surviving.

The next week was hard. I went to school and work thinking this could be my last day on earth. Maybe a truck can accidentally swerve into my lane and I wont survive. I put on a face for my family. I started to take the long way home and thought maybe I’ll see Aaryan this way. My life was hanging on to the hope that maybe I’ll see Aaryan one day. But Aaryan didn’t want me back. Maneesha told me that what stays in the past deserves to be in the past. But I couldn’t do it anymore, I took matters into my hand and sent him a friend request. He accepted it and I debated to send him a message. He was apparently “taken” two weeks after we broke up, so I decided against it. But the next day, he sent me a message. We ended up meeting the following day.

When I first saw his face again, it reminded me of all the old times. But for once they were all happy memories. I got into his car and the air was filled with this kind of awkward silence. I tried to make a stupid joke and he laughed. His laugh made me feel comfortable, a indescribable relief washed over me. We grabbed timmies, and walked around my school. Then we went back to his house. He told me that he missed me and he wanted us back together. My stupid heart missed him, it missed him so much but I was afraid. It wasn’t like watching a horror movie, I was terrified that I was going to get hurt again and I’m still afraid. I wanted to ask if it was right to be scared, was it all going to be the same. Hardish would tell me that you should never trust anyone because they’re going to hurt you again. I didn’t trust anyone in that month until I saw Aaryan again. I missed him so I said that we should get back together. My voice was filled with uncertainty that even I didn’t believe that I wanted to get back together. So I repeated myself this time trying to sound sure. Aaryan loved me… he said he missed you… you idiot… just believe that someone can love you…

Thoughts filled my head so I just nodded. We lay there beside each other and he asked to cuddle and I said to wait. I needed time, all I was thinking was head please don’t overthink this, don’t get anxious. But my hands were shaking and my heart was going 200 miles an hour. Please, Aaryan, don’t break my heart…I moved closer, putting my hand on his heart and taking in every detail of his face. I really did love him. Was I stupid to love this guy again? He kept repeating that he loved me and asked how he can make me love him but my heart wasn’t the problem. Aaryan just needed to tell me that he wont hurt me again. Please tell me that he wont hurt me again and that I’m right for going back to him. It felt so right to be in his arm and his lips felt like a comfortable realization of the past us. The happy moments. The time we went to Port Credit and ate pizza by the water.

And then the sudden feeling to cry crept again but I pushed back the tears. I wanted this. Life's too long to regret anything. You can always try to fix mistakes. I didn’t want to leave but I had to. I was the happiest I’ve ever been in the last few months. And then everything was gone, the feelings and realization of what just happened came in. I’m not denying that I love him but what if he hasn’t changed and what if I just end up heartbroken again. What if this feeling of fear is right. What if Aaryan loved someone else in that month, had a girlfriend and she broke his heart, so he needed someone in that moment and I was the last option. I think that’s what I’m scared of, being Aaryan option for now until he finds someone better. Because I’m not the option he wants.