The Cost of Shame

Money is the most sensitive and taboo subject in our society. It is so taboo, we don’t even talk about how taboo it is!

It’s commonly accepted that religion and politics are two topics to steer clear of to avoid conflict. Over the past century, money has become the religion of the masses, yet we pretend to attach little emotional or moral value to how much we have.

It’s bullshit. All of us carry judgments about money and its reflection on our worth as individuals. We judge how much there is, how much there isn’t, and how it is spent.

These judgments embed in our psyche. They affect our sense of self and our awareness of our inalienable, intrinsic worth.

Our individual relationships with money are complex and multifaceted. They are shaped by our upbringing, experiences, and societal and cultural expectations.

My relationship with money has always been a source of shame.

I grew up in the suburbs of St.Paul, Minnesota. I was fortunate, my parents provided me with a more than comfortable life, and I never had to worry about basic needs like food, housing, or healthcare.

My mother worked as the Director of Nursing for a long-term care facility and my father was an Assistant Attorney General for the state.

We had multiple homes and vacationed as a family several times a year. I figured life would always be that way, I had no idea how fraught with peril my financial future would become.

My parents divorced at the end of my senior year in college, and the family’s financial situation changed dramatically.

My mother’s overspending caught up with her, though Pop continued to support her financially for the rest of his life. She spent as though nothing had changed and blew through her half of his pension in short order.

That’s when the belt tightened. My parents sold our second home and trips slowed to once a year.

I took my privilege for granted. Though I knew it wasn’t something everyone had, I believed it was something everyone could make. I was sure my financial situation would only continue to improve over the course of my life if I “followed the rules.”

So I went to law school. Things were comfortable for me due to a car accident settlement the year before and several private loans.

Once I graduated and moved to Washington, DC, my financial comfort was on borrowed time.

Over the next two decades, due to choices and circumstances, I spiraled in and out of solvency numerous times. I realized that “following the rules” was code for “killing my soul,” and began to forge my own path.

So far it hasn’t produced financial windfalls. While doing your own thing is great for your soul, it’s not always so great for your bottom line.

I continue to struggle with money and it feels like a losing battle. What’s worse, I struggle with shame over not having enough.

My shame over money has had a profound impact on my mental health and I am often stressed about my financial situation. I worry about how I will pay for basic expenses, like rent and groceries.

Unless I employ mindfulness, I constantly feel like I am one unexpected expense away from financial ruin.

Shame over money has led me to isolate myself from friends and loved ones. I don’t want them to see the reality of my financial struggles.

We all know the mental health harms of loneliness.

But the most insidious part of my shame over money is the way it has affected my sense of self-worth. I swallowed the Kool-Aid and have internalized the message that money equals success and value. Now I often feel like I am not measuring up.

When I compare myself to others who have more money or more material possessions, especially my old law school cohorts, I feel like a failure.

And I worry that I will never be able to achieve financial stability or security.

My money shame is not unique. Many people struggle with financial insecurity and feelings of inadequacy, particularly in a society that equates money with, well, everything.

So what helps?

Gratitude and Perspective

I understand that even in my feelings of poverty, I still have more resources at my disposal than most people on this planet. I remind myself of my blessings and make gratitude lists daily.

Even if I can’t afford to go out to eat, I can still relish the feel of the sun on my skin. I can be creative. I can dance and I can play. I can give and receive love.

Reframe Success and Value

Another way I work through shame over money is to reframe my perspective on success and value.

I remind myself these things are not determined by financial wealth or material possessions. I can find success and fulfillment in many areas of my life, such as my relationships, my hobbies, my passions, and my personal growth.

Practice Self-Compassion

It’s also important to practice self-compassion and to treat myself with kindness and understanding.

Admonishing myself over not having money only perpetuates my feelings of shame and inadequacy. Instead, I can practice self-care and self-compassion by treating myself with the same kindness and understanding I would offer a friend.

Seek Support

It is incredibly difficult to reach out when you feel ashamed. For me, talking about money forces me to face my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

Talking to others about my money shame is painful.

A part of me refuses to let go of the belief that I will be judged for how much or little money I have. More importantly, those judgments somehow matter to me.

My wise mind knows the people who matter to me won’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter. Yet, it’s so difficult to take this leap. The sheer vulnerability of admitting you have failed to achieve “success” by widely-accepted metrics is terrifying.

I must remember that shame flourishes in the dark. The more I can be open and honest about my situation, the less ashamed I feel.

The light of truth has the power to obliterate shame.

I don’t have to face this alone.

My financial situation does not define my worth as a human being.

I am inherently valuable and deserving of love, respect, and dignity, regardless of how many bills are paid on time.

© Kelley Murphy, 2023.

Thank you so much for reading! xo

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