The Closet

Nothing has ever gone my way, ever since I was born. I was born premature (weighing 1lb 9oz), diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at the age of two, and have been struggling with my gender identity and sexuality since elementary school. I'd like to disclose that my family is not practicing any religion.

I know most of you are thinking "Elementary school?!" Yes. I knew from a young age that I didn't like the roles I was being forced into, and that I was attracted to well...anyone. At this time, I was forced to wear skirts, and dresses while having my hair so long it almost reached my knees. Surprisingly this was the first time I was exposed to the concept of transgender as I saw the movie "A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story." I would be caught mentioning transgender people, and drawing different genitals in class which led to me getting a stern talking to.

Entering middle school I started to explore. I cut my hair shorter, I wore less gender specific clothing and entered the goth 'phase.' Students around me were dating, while I was struggling with being disabled and people avoiding me as though I were a leper. I continued to focus on my academics, only having gotten A's and B's since elementary school.

High school changed everything for me, some for the better and some not. The summer before my freshman year I came out as pansexual to my best friends, and immediate family. It was uneventful for the most part, but took my father some time to adjust to and comprehend. To this day I have a supportive network of friends and family who respect my sexual orientation.

Transgender. I was born as a female in the winter of 1997. However, growing up I have hated my natural body. This actually led to some self mutilation entering puberty, which solved nothing and I actually really regret. At the time, it felt satisfying and comforting in my hopes of it altering my body for the better.

Now, I am a closeted twenty-three year old female-to-male transgender man. I have an overly feminine body, and have not gone through any procedure towards feeling complete. I still live with my parents, and I am working towards moving out - leaving my home state completely. Needing an outlet I confided my gender identity issues to my closest friends, my fiance, and my mother. The first two went fine. They adapted to my new name and pronouns over time and still see me as a male even though my body does not match how I feel. My mother whom has been an ally to the LGBTQ+ community since before I was born, refuses to see me as anything but her little girl. What about my father? My father was raised by a family of bigots, so I've been far too nervous of losing my father's love.

At this moment in time in the year 2020, I look back on my life and contemplate all the what ifs. For now, I am a twenty-three year old pansexual closeted female-to-male transgender man - and I hope I can alter this with better news next year.