The Broken Nurse

Chapter 1: The Deep Breathes

I just finished another shift at the hospital. After 7 days of back-to-back shifts, 3 proper lunch breaks and 18 breakdowns, I finally had 4 days off.

“Hooray” my brain shouted! “You should be happy Mellissa. Your free for 4 whole days”. I should be, I thought, but I felt nothing, except tired, overwhelmed, and drained. Even breathing the fresh air felt difficult. I tried practicing my breathing exercises because I was told it is the most effective way to let out negative feelings. So I breathed 4 counts in (felt fine), held for 2 counts (still fine) and when I went to exhale 5 counts out, I just cried. Okay, so clearly, I’m not fine.

When I became a nurse, I remember feeling proud because I was in a noble profession. I loved what I did because I loved people and would even take extra shifts just to look after people who needed help.

When the pandemic hit, even though I was scared, just like everybody else, I knew this would be my call to action. My call to help people and save lives. Even if people did not remember my name after they left the hospital, even if they screamed and cursed at me, I did not care! I helped them from leaving this hospital in a worse condition than when they came in and by worse, I mean a body bag. The only problem was, I underestimated the power of this sickness because more people were getting sick with COVID-19 and many more people were leaving the hospital in body bags.

On top of that, I was seeing people at their very worst because the verbal and physical abuse increased. I’ve been punched, spat at, pinched (you read it right- I was pinched so hard, I had a large bruise for about a month), kicked, called words I cannot write here, harassed and even strangled. So yes, after awhile, my health did decline, but the decline has sunk so deep, that all I can do is just work my shift, cry, work some more, cry even longer, except this time with a tub of ice cream and work again. Even my emotions feel uncontrollable. I can feel sad, confused and angry in a matter of minutes. When was the last time I even felt happy, I think? I’m not sure, I answer.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to get help. I went to a counsellor, but he was so unrealistic. When I told him how difficult things are for me and how traumatized I am, he would say “you are a hero, you can’t quit”, but I countered, “I am not a hero, I am just trying to survive”. So that was the end of that counselling experience and here I am- a broken nurse. Could there be anything to heal this broken nurse?

Chapter 2: The Drive

The walk from the hospital to my car wasn’t too long, but enough time for me to think about how terrible I felt and cry some more. In total, it took about 20 minutes for me to leave the parking lot once I “put myself together” (by that, I mean stop crying and feel mentally sane enough to drive and not get in an accident). As I got on the road, my brain went on auto pilot, since I knew the route that takes me home so well. Take this right and this left and go straight, my brain would tell me and I obeyed because I did not know where else to go. Where else could I go at 7:00 in the morning? Did I want to stop for some fast food and eat my feelings? No. Did I want to stop at the grocery store and buy a cheesecake? No. What about ice cream? No. How about some chocolate? “NO, NO, NO”, I yelled!

I took a deep breath and laughed at my sudden outburst because all I could think about was food. It seemed like food was all that gave me comfort, hence why I’ve had a hard time losing weight, but was there nothing else that could give me comfort?

What about the beach, my brain cautiously asked?

The beach. It had been a long time since I went to the beach. I thought about my childhood and how my mother always took my siblings and I to the beach. She said the waters had a healing power. How she could be angry or upset about anything, but once she put her feet in those waters, she would feel peace. As if the water took away all her negativity and helped her feel like herself again. I remember her words. I remember feeling at peace too. I wanted to feel that again, no I longed to feel at peace. I was desperate for it.

So in my desperation, I took my brain off auto-pilot and drove to the beach I always loved- White Rock beach. It was an hour away, but I was a woman on a mission now and nothing could stop me from getting my peace.

Chapter 3: The Epiphany

The drive to White Rock seemed shorted than I expected. Maybe because I could not stop thinking of my childhood at this beach. I remember running with the birds, walking the pier, climbing the giant white rock that set this beach apart from all other beaches. I remember my mother’s smile when she put her feet in the water and me holding her hand while we basked in the moment. We truly felt free then, but then again, it was a simpler time. When I did not stress about school, exams, my weight or anything else. I just lived for that day.

What happened to that free little girl, I asked? Life happened, I answered.

When I got out of the car, the skies were turning a lighter grey, with a hint of blue and golden. Oh, the sun will be up soon. How exciting! I can not recall the last time I saw a sunrise. Maybe because I never did. As for the ocean itself, it was calm, with light waves rushing in and out. Actually, the whole area was quiet. I did not see any people walking around, no stores were open, so there I was, all alone, with the whole ocean to myself.

I’m glad I dressed for the weather- large grey hoodie, black sweatpants, thick wool socks in my black boots, with a grey jacket and a grey beanie to keep me warm from the cold, icy winds. There was no snow yet, but the air felt like snow was coming.

Side thought my brain said, must you always wear dark clothing? Can you not wear something a little brighter? It might help your mood. No, I answered, I like dark colors. Shaking that random thought out of my head, I focused on the water again. It was so tranquil, but with this cold weather, I knew it would be freezing cold, but I wanted the tranquility of those waters, so I started walking towards it.

I had to walk past the train tracks, down the stairs and down a cement path till I reached the sand. I took my shoes off so I could feel the little cold grains between my toes. It was cold, but it felt so good, so comforting that I continued to walk through it, enjoying every step I took. Before I knew it, I had reached the water. It beckoned me to step in and so I did. Big mistake because the water was as cold as I expected. I felt like I was stepping on ice and since I was not a fan of the cold, I quickly ran back to the sand.

Okay, that was not what I expected. What did you expect Mellissa? To put my feet in the water and healed of my misery. I laughed. One instance of putting your feet in the water will not heal you miraculously! That is true, but maybe two instances will! So I ran back to the water and ran out again. Several tries later and I found myself sitting on the sand. The water was too cold for me, hence no healing and no happy Mellissa.

“But I really wanted to be healed” I told the ocean. Well, at least you can just watch it. Let’s try again later, my brain said. Okay, I acknowledged.

As I sat staring out at the water, I found myself in awe of the power of the ocean. It knew where its boundary was, so it would not suddenly sweep me away and it held so much life in its waters. I started naming the creatures I knew that lived in the ocean and before I knew it, I started thinking about so many beautiful things. My thoughts went from misery and pain to wonder and awe and it made me feel happy. Actually, from the time I had come to the ocean, I felt happier. To just touch the sand and run in and out of the water made me remember my childhood and I just smiled. I did not need to just touch the waters to feel healed, I just needed to be here and experience something new. I was so lost in thought, I almost missed seeing the sun come up. The remarkable yellow, orange, pink and blue surrounded the sky and here, a brilliant golden circle stood amid it all. It was beautiful. It was healing. It was just what I needed.

One more time, I thought. I will put my feet in the waters one more time. When I walked up to the calm waters, I put my feet in, staring at the beauty in front of me. It was cold, but the warm rays emitted from the sun made me forget about the water. After a few minutes, my feet adjusted to the cold, and I no longer felt ice, but warmth. I closed my eyes, and basked in this moment. I thought about the water, the sea creatures, the sun, the skies, my mother and just felt happy, safe and healed. Though I knew I was not fully healed, I knew I would not be the same Mellissa I have been for the last 2 years. I would change for the better, I would learn to smile again and I would find happiness. I stayed in the water for a little while, thinking about the things I could change in my life and what would help me. Though I still did not know what I could do, I had brainstormed enough ideas to keep my brain busy with more positive thoughts.

I thanked the ocean for giving me this much needed epiphany and walked towards my car. When I finally looked at the time, I realised I had been at the beach for 3 hours. People were now walking past me, shops were open and I had 5 missed calls from my mother. Wow, time goes by fast when your having fun, I thought. I got in my car and took a deep breath. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel heavy or want to cry when I exhaled and when I left that parking lot and headed home, I felt good because I knew a good change was coming.

And I was ready for it.

Epilogue: 6 months later…

I just finished another shift at the hospital. After 7 days of back-to-back shifts, 5 proper lunch breaks and 3 breakdowns, I finally had 4 days off. You were expecting a full 360 change, weren’t you? Well, in 6 months, I did not expect full changes to be made, but the changes that I have made have really helped me.

I started eating healthier, working out and doing a lot of kick-boxing (punching things really does alleviate a lot of stress). I spend more time with my family, which is nice since I don’t always have to talk to myself. I found a good counsellor who listens to me and helps me find the root causes of my issues, so I know what to work on and I spend a lot more time at the beach when I need to be healed.

I still cry, I still get treated terribly by patients, but to go from 18 breakdowns to 3 is a huge improvement! Plus, I know what to do when I start to feel like I am losing control of my emotions. I don’t just breathe, I live. I find things to feel grateful for, even if they are small things and I immerse myself amongst people and places I adore.

When I look back to 6 months ago, I remember calling myself a broken nurse, because nothing could make me feel happy or at peace. However, now, I feel mended because I am working on me! Of course, I can still feel the cracks when things get too hard for me, but I know time will heal those too.

Are you happy, my brain asks?

Yes, I am happy, I reply. I take a deep breath of fresh air, exhale and smile. Everything is going to be okay.