The Birds

The Birds

For a while now, the embers inside my heart have been warmed by the overwhelming darkness inside of me. Where does it come from…Where does it come from?

*****

September 29th was the day that lives in infamy. The light had just entered through our shuttered blinds, laying down a foundation of warmth across my face, while Israel…my little ladybug…nestled her head into the crack of wood that was my chest. As I pried my eyes open through the occasional morning crust in the corner of my eyes, I laid my hand atop her head, moving my fingers through her long, dark curls, blacker than crow feathers. They fell like curtains over her honey caramel complexion. Homemade caramel, just like in her mother’s Boston cheesecake recipe which reminded me of home. The scent of cocoa butter leap from her skin and tangoed in the wind, invading my nostrils from the windows I had kept slightly ajar. As I began to fully awaken, whistling from Hooded Oriole could be heard rumbling among the dying brambles and tree branches. It’s this that beckoned me to turn my head toward my window, where I saw a leaf…a single leaf…fall from above. How fragile it was. As it fell to the earth, it crumbled into pieces the size of fruit flies, leaving its remains scattered across the soil. On top of these remains was a ladybug. The image of this shifted me somehow, distorting what I believed to be a regular occurrence of nature. I no longer heard the whistles of the birds following this. I heard a series of screams that chilled by bones down to the marrow and lifted my skins from its flesh. At first, they were the screams of the souls damned to purgatory: A place where demons can escape momentarily to haunt the living. But then I somehow knew these birds were the personification of my angels warning me of the things unseen to my untrained eyes, and the conversations had in my absence. Impossible is what I told myself. Israel was the only person I needed. To simply call her beautiful or amazing would be comparing her to every other woman I’ve been with. Do you know how I knew she was the one? To sit her in silence was among the greatest pleasures I had with her. The thoughts and secrets we exchanged with each other were only a compliment to the arrival of her presence. I believed we were connected heart to heart…soul to soul. That is what the old version of me believed, which departed with the discovery of her betrayal. I learned that when God tells you to pay attention, it means pay attention. As simple as this seemed, I turned my back on God as soon as I ignored this rotting leaf. A moment had passed before I turned away from the window. When I did, I felt a small, focused vibration right at the edge of my thigh. I knew it was her phone. The night before this morning, we looked through wedding dresses and laughed together about how great our honeymoon would be. We had been engaged for over a week. When I picked it up, her phone was empty of any notifications besides a single message from a person named Tyler. Under his name was a short phrase: I can’t do this anymore Israel. I love you damn it. I remember wanting to move myself, but I was frozen. My eyes remained fixed on these words.

She wouldn’t I thought.

My chest pounded until it became a jackhammer smashing through the concrete.

She wouldn’t…I know she wouldn’t…Does she understand what she’ll do to me?

"Marcus?”, she said.

Turning away from the phone, my eyes crossed path with her own.

Damn it! I thought.

The color of her eyes resembled a dust-lit sunset which spilled over into a meadow placed along slope. She reminded me of the home I knew all too well.

Why would she look at me! Shut your eyes women! Steel your heart Marcus! She is not the women you once knew!

"Who is…who is Tyler?”

It’s from here and on that I knew that good things never last. They change just like summer to autumn. Like leaves, they fall to the soil and die, only to be reincarnated as something different. Out with the old and in with the new. That is life.

*****

The new me…the current me…sits on a couch with a bottle of Chateau Petrus 2014. My date arrives at my home in approximately 20 minutes. I want to tell her she needs to go back. She’ll waste her time with a man like me. My heart has been stitched together by a collection of dry tears and deep piano cords. I imagine she’ll enjoy the conversation we have, the food I’ve prepared, and my home of course. Who wouldn’t be delighted to see 20,000 square feet? That of which overlooks most of California. I’m a rich bastard. I could have any women nibble upon the ground I walk on if I wanted. But I still long for my little ladybug. It’s quite peculiar. Cheryl is much more stunning than Israel ever was, but my Israel…Damn it! Why would she do this to me! How could she leave all of this behind: Boco Do Lobo décor stitched with Mulberry silk, hanging glass chandeliers, the Belgian brick fireplace paved with the finest cobblestone out of Europe. Pathetic! And yet, she allows a mere office employee from a small company invade her insides, defile her lips, rub his hands along her body…where did I go wrong! I tell you if Cheryl arrives, she will be fooled only by a shell of me which hides the hellion beneath. She’ll become attached to this shell, and once it breaks, the darkness warming the embers inside my heart will cremate her soul. I shall make her rot until there is nothing left but a shell of herself, just as I am now. You’ve made me such a monster, haven’t you? My poor heart! Half of it is empty while the other half beats slowly. But only for Israel. Does she know half of me still belongs to her? Does she know I sip on this glass of Merlot to fill my emptiness? Quite a paradox this is. I am a man of riches and poverty. I never knew they could exist side by side. It’s only been 6 months and look how far I’ve fallen into the dark abyss that is my heart. Despite this, I remain hopeful for my future. I image that there lies a great pool of light on the other side of this darkness because without light, there can be no darkness. And…Oh my…is that the doorbell? 20 minutes already? I guess time knows no bounds when one is in deep thought.

*****

Before I began my walk to the door, I poured another glass of wine. One for me and one for Cheryl. I wouldn’t be polite if I arrived at the door enjoying this masterpiece while she watched me. And what if her mouth was parched? After I poured the red wine, I placed both glasses in between the fingers on my right hand, making sure they were perfectly balanced so that I don’t drop the glasses on the way to the door. I also made sure to take my time. Not for the sake of the wine, but for my own sake. I felt guilt begin to roll over me. It wouldn’t be her fault, but eventually, I knew she would feel the same pain that I do now. I would be the one which awakened her from her slumbers, tarnished her good days, and make her bad days hell.

Could I live with myself If I didn’t warn her of such things? I thought. No…it’s too late. Just be a gentleman and let her in.

Before I knew it, the doorknob was right in front of me. When I reached for it, I hesitated.

Tell her to turn around and leave. Tell her your sorry for wasting her time. Tell her this was all a mistake.

Ignoring these thoughts, I grabbed the doorknob and turned it. I opened the door and there she was, looking up at me with her brown sugary eyes.

“Took you long enough” She said. “I’d thought you’d forgotten all about me. Don’t you know it’s rude to leave women out in the cold like this? Not a good start”.

She covered her mouth, letting out a small laugh beneath her hands. Around her neck was a thin white scarf that fell in between her breast. She wore velvet red dress which stopped right above her mid-thigh. Her heels matched the color of her dress perfectly, almost as if they came in a set together. Before I could respond, she spoke once more.

“Don’t be so tense!” She told me. “I’m only teasing you! If you could only see your face right now my darling! Let me introduce myself. Cheryl’s the name”.

She extended her hand out to me, gesturing me to grab her hand.

Tell her to leave.

“You certainly surprised me” I said as I grabbed her hand. “The women that tease me are a lot more direct than you are. You can call me Marcus”.

“Marcus. The multi-millionaire stud. I think I like you already. And is that wine?”

While our hands were still interlocked with each other’s, she began to take small steps into my home. As she did, she remained very close to me as if she were walking along the edge of a cliff. With her heels on, her lips were able to brush past my own. I could feel the warmth of her breath on my neck as well as the smell of cigarettes. Reaching for a glass of wine, she laid her fingers on top of mine for a moment before she grabbed it and entered my home.

“What kind” she said.

“Chateau Petrus 2014” I responded. “The best there is right now.”

“Oh well I guess you’ll have to educate me more on that”.

As she walked farther into my home, she headed straight toward the same couch I was sitting on. Once she reached it, she sat down on it, crossing her legs and taking a sip out of the wine glass.

“Oh my!” she said in a surprised manner. “There might be truth to what you’ve told me. Good. You’re not a liar”.

Tell her to leave!

“You barely know me and you’re willing to make an assumption like that” I said. “Assumptions are something you should avoid. Especially with me”

“What will you do about it.”

“Nothing. I’ll let you see for yourself the error of your ways.”

She covered her mouth and let out another laugh under beneath them. The same she did before she entered my home.

“Your quite different” she said. “The way you talk. They way you stand and look at me now. Shrouded in mystery. I think I like you even more now.”

Why won’t you tell her to leave!

It’s at this moment that I heard the Hooded Oriole whistling outside again. I couldn’t see the leaf, but I knew it was there. I knew it crumbled into pieces the size of fruit flies, leaving its remains scattered across the soil. Replacing the ladybug, I knew I would eventually be standing on top of its remains.

“Shall we begin” I said.