The 1 Thing You Need to Remember the Next Time You Get Dumped

A year after our relationship ended, my partner wanted to get back together, but I couldn’t go back. Not for lack of love or desire. But because my ego wouldn’t allow it.

We were young and clueless. We were flying by the seat of our pants, figuring out adulthood. Neither of us was intimate enough with ourselves to cultivate intimacy with each other. My partner didn’t have the language to express his discontentment. And I didn’t have the patience to get through the learning curve.

The end was dramatic. He fell headfirst into some pussy that caused him to lose his mind. At least that was the story I told myself. My heart was shattered, and my ego was mangled.

So when he asked to reconcile, I wasn’t with it. Because when the shit hit the fan, he didn’t pick me, and I took that personally.

In truth, it had nothing to do with me. At the time, he didn’t know himself well enough to understand what was driving his behavior. On the surface, it looked like cheating, but it was more profound than that. He just didn’t know it yet.

We make everything about us.

When it comes to uncoupling, we humans tend to center ourselves. We ask questions like:

• What is wrong with me?
• How come I wasn’t good enough?
• What could I have done to make them stay?

But love is not a crystal ball. You can never know the inner machinations of another. There is a myriad of reasons why someone may not choose you, and none of them have anything to do with you.

Maybe they just weren’t ready.

We are autonomous beings. That means that everything we are, say, and do is self-governing. The choices we make in relationships revolve around our personal needs. Even being a helper serves the purpose of being needed.

Their reasons for choosing something different (not necessarily better) are quite honestly none of your business. But how you respond and the stories you tell yourself are.

Stop focusing on them.

It’s not a question of who they were or what they did wrong. When a relationship expires, your only job is to own your part, reflect, heal, and move on.

They left, and that feels shitty, but the pain is temporary. It will go away. Resisting will make it linger, and that’s not what you want. Feeling it now is the best and only way. Sores scab over and heal. Numbing out is like picking the scab, which delays and often prevents healing altogether.

Wallowing is not useful. That’s why you need a plan.

Action plan

1. Self-care — Rest. Stay hydrated. Keep your lips moisturized. Get some fresh air. Eat live foods. And ice cream, don’t forget the ice cream.
2. Ask for support — Phone a friend, tell them what’s going on. Let them help you through this.
3. Don’t blame yourself — Again, this is not your fault. Their choice was about them, not you. Besides, pitiful is not a good look.
4. Purge — Get rid of the reminders, tokens, and trophies.
5. Unfollow — It’s not advisable to follow your boo on social media. But if you did, unfollow them now. This will help prevent reinjury. You’re in recovery, remember?
6. Have fun — Get out of the house and do something that you enjoy — often. Fun is medicinal. It will help you heal.

Getting dumped is not the end of the world, even though it feels like it while you're going through it. But know this - if it ended, it's for the best. 

You might not believe it now, but it will get better. Eventually, the pain will dull into non-existence, and you will become a better version of yourself. That's how life works.