That What If Moment

I had returned from my nearly two-year odyssey around the USA when I met a woman who I would later fall for very hard. After what I went through with two women on that adventure, I promised myself I would not allow myself to get involved with a woman for a long, long time. Well, that vow didn’t last long.

This story didn’t get much attention when I first published it back in July 2022. It’s odd. I just mentioned this story to someone in a comment last Friday. But I thought I would republish it.

I’m sure everyone, at one time or another, has said to someone or even to themselves, “What if…” I had done this or that. It’s not unusual, at least for me, to play the “What if game” in my head. There are incidents that have taken place where I think, “What if…”I had left my home just one minute later, and a delivery truck wouldn’t have T-boned me, putting me in the hospital for 3 weeks and 2 months in a rehab facility.” “What if…” I had not lashed out angrily at my sister for something I found later she didn’t even do. It caused us to be estranged from one another for almost 2 years.”

Probably one of the greatest “What ifs” of my life was brought home to me just recently. It was a woman who I considered the love of my life (one of three, I must add) at one time. I saw her at a local restaurant a few days ago. At first, I did not recognize Rose. It had been more than 10 years since I had last seen her. We are both in our “golden years” now, if you can relate to that terminology.

Rose Is Still Beautiful

But age cannot hide the dimple on her left cheek that I frequently teased her about. Age cannot hide the striking pale blue eyes she has, which I am always amazed by. We were madly in love. Rose looked my way twice and seemed to recognize me. But then she appeared confused. She seemed to just look right through me, if that makes any sense. Rose turned to her friend, seemingly distraught.

We were both in our mid-20s when we first met. I was just out of the U.S. Navy (and had just completed a 2 year cross-country trip on my motorcycle). She had just graduated from college with a BS in accounting. We were completely different. I’m the extrovert, and she's the introvert (except when she gets angry). She was more intellectual, and I was the dimwit. She was the beauty, and I was the beast. But we made things work. We had begun to plan for the future. Things were looking "rosy,” in a matter of speaking.

Marriage was on the horizon. Kids, a home, and a white picket fence were on the agenda. As I said, we were different. But we made it work. After the petty arguments all couples have, neither of us could stay angry for long. We truly were in love. I still have a large place in my heart for her. But fate had other plans for us. That “What If?” moment changed my life completely.

The What If Moment

One day, I changed my mind about meeting her for lunch. I was still recovering from a serious cold. But I decided I would surprise her at the deli we both favored for lunch. I parked my car and walked into the deli to see that Rose had already begun to eat her standard roast beef and cheese sandwich, potato salad, and Sprite.

I also saw a man sitting with her. I recognized the man as a former boyfriend of hers some years ago. I decided to hide behind the cash register and the restroom. The man appeared to be ready to leave as he placed his hand on her left hand. He kissed her. It was not a goodbye kiss. It was a warm, passionate kiss. I was heartbroken.

I waited for him to leave, and I had planned to confront Rose. As angry as I was at the time, I decided not to press this issue at the deli. I decided to wait until that evening, when she would come home to our apartment. I wanted to give Rose a chance. I wanted to give her a chance, to be honest with me. I first asked her how lunch turned out. She laughed and said it was just a normal lunch.

I asked if her friend, Fran, from work, accompanied her to lunch like she normally does. Rose suddenly appeared uncomfortable. She said Fran had accompanied her. But she had to leave suddenly due to an emergency at home. So, I asked, so you ate all by yourself? Rose looked at me and asked where this line of conversation was going. She said she felt like she was being interrogated. I told Rose it was just a simple question.

A Pain Like No Other

Rose then made the fateful statement, “Yes, I ate alone after Fran left.”

Rose had lied to me. I was stunned. She couldn’t look me in the face. There was a dead silence in the apartment for at least two minutes. Rose quietly asked me how I found out. During our conversation, I mentioned seeing him there with her and their deep, passionate kiss. She confessed she had been seeing her old flame for the past 3 weeks (I was working long hours and going to school at night, and I rarely saw her during this time) since he had come back into town without warning.

The shock left me unable to speak for a long time. But she swore over and over that there was no sex, no romance, and no chance of her ever leaving me for him. Rose was sobbing by this time. I saw a side of her I had never seen before. I felt that she was trying to cover herself up. I believed her; there had not been a sexual relationship for those 3 weeks, or I wanted to believe it. But, deep down, I knew she had lied to me once before. Ultimately, we both agreed to try to move on from this.

An Unsuccessful Attempt To Reconcile

We tried for about 2 months. But I couldn’t get over my mistrust of Rose. Rose couldn’t get past my not trusting her any longer. After dinner one night, Rose said it’s probably best we move on since there are hard feelings on both sides of this relationship.

She once again swore there was never any sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend during those 3 weeks. She said she would go to her grave, proclaiming that there was only one man who shared her bed, and that was me. But I couldn’t get the kiss and her lie out of my mind. I moved out of the apartment and tried to move on. We saw each other infrequently and actually had a dinner date or two. But the hard feelings bubbled up each time.

Rose eventually married (not the clod who kissed her), and I did as well. Both marriages ended in divorce. We both have no children. I guess we both decided we didn’t deserve children since we were not able to reconcile. I’ve had many women come into my life since Rose. Only two other women could compete with Rose for my love and affection (but that’s another story). My relationships rarely lasted over 3 months, including my marriage of an astounding 3 1/2 years. I always compared other women to Rose, as unfair as that is.

A Stunning Discovery

I related this all to my friend sitting next to me at lunch one day. He is a medical instrument technician for a local contractor. My friend told me to look at the orange bracelet with white lines running vertically along the bracelet that Rose had. He said that is a GPS tracker that Alzheimer's and dementia patients wear to keep from getting lost in their care facility.

I was stunned. Shocked beyond belief. Now I understood why she didn’t recognize me. I was a flickering memory that she couldn’t grasp. It would be there for a second before disappearing into a vast void. My friend recommended I not go there and tell her who I was because it would cause far more harm to her than you can imagine.

The last thing I wanted to do was cause her any more harm in her life than had already transpired. But I noticed they both got up to leave. Rose looked back at me one last time, still somewhat confused. The friend (who I suspected was now a caregiver) struggled to help Rose open the door.

I Go To Rose One Last Time

I immediately got up. My friend said, “David, no, don’t speak to her!” I told him, “I don’t want another moment in my life haunting me by not helping her now when she needs it.” I wrapped my arm in her open arm and said, “May I assist you ladies to your car?” I asked. The lady with Rose asked me if I could just stay with her until she brought the car up to the front door. This would be a lot of help, she stated.

As we were waiting for the car to come up, I looked at Rose. She had that same confused look on her face. She looked up at me. “Who are you? "I feel as if I should know you,” she said. I struggled to even open my mouth to speak. “I’m just someone from the past, ma’am. You need not worry about me. I just enjoy helping blue-eyed beauties when I can,” I said as I patted her hand. I immediately regretted saying that.

“Blue-eyed beauty” was something I called her all the time when we were together. This time, Rose looked at me more intently. “Who are you, really?” Rose asked. “I’m a man who should know when to be quiet,” I said. She laughed. I could still make her laugh. She gave me another strange smile and gently squeezed my arm. As the car came up, we both helped Rose into the car. “Thank you for your help, sir. God bless you,” Rose said. I said, "Yes, ma’am. Thank you, and God bless you.”

Emotional Goodbye

I stood there for quite some time until my friend came to get me. I walked back inside. But I had no appetite, as I was still quite emotional. In the end, I felt as if, in some small way, I had righted a wrong by following through and not regretting another “What If” moment in my life.

The ravages of time can destroy much in a lifetime. But it cannot destroy love. Even though Rose didn’t recognize me, she felt something stir in her heart as our hands merged into one for just a brief time. Her mouth couldn’t speak the words. But Rose’s pale blue eyes said everything to me.