“That Time I Tried to Quit Caffeine Like a Hero (And Failed Spectacularly)”

Let me just say this: I love coffee. Not in a casual, “Oh I’ll have a cup when I feel like it” kind of way. No. I love it the way some people love their pets or Taylor Swift. I have mugs with little coffee puns, a French press I barely know how to use, and a loyalty punch card at a local café that’s practically my second address.

So imagine the chaos when I decided—on a random Tuesday no less—that I was going to quit caffeine.

Why? Good question. Honestly, I read half a blog post that said caffeine can increase anxiety, mess with your sleep, and possibly prevent you from becoming a serene woodland elf. And I thought, “You know what? I can do this. I can be naturally energetic. I don’t need this brown bean juice controlling my life.”

Like an absolute fool.

Day One: Optimism and Regret

I woke up and went straight to the kitchen, as usual. I reached for my coffee mug before I remembered. No caffeine. Right. I grabbed a peppermint tea bag instead, looking at it like it had personally offended me.

The tea did nothing. My brain stayed stuck in dial-up mode while my body moved at the pace of a sleepy llama. I tried working. I typed “good morbing” instead of “good morning” and genuinely couldn’t remember how to spell “Wednesday.” I had to Google it. Twice.

By 3 p.m., I had a headache. By 6 p.m., I was emotionally unraveling over a raisin I found in my trail mix. I sent a friend a text that simply said, “Why am I like this.” She replied, “Did you quit coffee again?” She knew. They always know.

Day Two: Who Even Am I?

I woke up with the enthusiasm of a damp sponge. My head felt like someone was tap-dancing in it with steel boots. I shuffled to the kitchen and made a cup of herbal tea that tasted like sadness and yard clippings. I sipped it like it was betrayal in liquid form.

Around noon, I caught myself sniffing my coworker’s coffee. Just a little whiff. She caught me. It got weird.

I tried to drink water. Lots of it. Every time I wanted coffee, I chugged a glass of water instead, like I was trying to drown the craving. All it did was make me need to pee every 17 minutes. I spent half the day in the bathroom, rethinking my entire life.

Day Three: Why Do People Do This To Themselves?

By this point, my willpower was thinner than my patience in traffic. I was cranky, sluggish, and every sentence I said ended with “…but I haven’t had coffee so whatever.”

People avoided me. My dog avoided me. Even my houseplants looked worried.

I tried to replace the ritual of coffee with deep breathing, yoga, and journaling. I ended up napping on the yoga mat and writing in my journal, “I miss coffee. Please come back.” That was the whole entry.

Day Four: Temptation Strikes

I walked past my favorite café. I told myself not to look. Just walk. Keep moving. But then I smelled it. That fresh, roasted, dark-roast aroma that could wake the dead and cure heartbreak. I stopped. I sniffed. I turned.

The barista saw me. “Your usual?” she asked sweetly.

I shook my head like I was resisting the devil. “No. I’m off caffeine,” I said, like someone announcing they’d left a cult.

She smiled, confused. “Want a decaf?”

I don’t remember saying yes. All I remember is holding that warm cup in my hand, tears in my eyes, whispering, “I missed you.” I took a sip. It was… okay. Not the full hit, but enough to feel whole again.

Day Five: Acceptance

I made peace with the fact that I might not be the kind of person who quits coffee and glows from within. I’m not effortlessly vibrant or naturally perky. I’m the kind of person who needs a warm cup of caffeinated encouragement to function without yelling at inanimate objects.

I decided to take a gentler approach. Less coffee, not no coffee. Balance. Like a responsible adult who owns both oat milk and regrets.

I now drink one (okay sometimes two) cups a day. I sip it slowly. Mindfully. Like it’s a love letter to my nervous system. I no longer drink five cups and twitch through the afternoon like a cartoon squirrel. Progress.

Here’s what I learned:

Quitting caffeine sounds noble, but sometimes nobility isn’t worth the withdrawal headaches.

Herbal tea is fine, but it will never replace the warm, life-affirming hug of coffee.

It’s okay to need a little help waking up. You’re not less of a human because you require a brown liquid to function.

If you ever catch yourself sniffing a coworker’s latte—maybe reconsider your choices.

So to all the caffeine quitters out there: I salute you. You’re stronger than I am. And to the rest of us? I’ll see you in line at the coffee shop, ordering the same thing we always do, pretending for just a second that this is the day we finally switch to green tea.

Spoiler alert: It’s not.