That's The Way Your Parents Did It

It was another silly argument, and there had been a lot of those recently.

They always seemed to land on your days off, which gave you the impression that she just didn’t like being around you all day. You were helping her make dinner, and you apparently did something wrong.

“Oh, thanks for that,” she said.

“Well I didn’t do it on purpose, did I,” you pointed out.

“I told you though,” she said. “I told you.”

“No no,” you said, shaking you head and finger in unison. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t tell me anything. You said-”

She shook her head to cut you off. Less than 30 seconds later you were storming up the stairs and slamming the door behind you:

“You know what? I don’t want any bloody dinner!”

You mumbled to yourself in the bedroom how she doesn’t respect you, doesn’t trust you, and sure she says she loves you, but does she even like you? She doesn’t act like it sometimes.

Less than 10 minutes later you came back downstairs because you were hungry as a dog and you did want some bloody dinner after all. You were still annoyed, but you regretted being so overly dramatic with an empty stomach. You were also tired of arguing, and you wanted to just click your fingers and the whole silliness be done away with.

But she never let you do that. You tried to make conversation but she gave you an ice cold shoulder and the silent treatment you were oh so familiar with by now.

You both sat at the dinner table and barely said a word to each other.

“This is very tasty, you know,” you said. “Thank you.”

“Good,” she said. “You’re welcome.”

20 minutes of silence and avoiding eye contact. You cleared the table and she remained seated for 30 more minutes in silence until she finished her wine, then it was her turn to go upstairs, which she did without stomping or slamming doors to prove a point probably.

An hour or so later she came back down, went outside for a cigarette and came back in as if nothing happened, as if invigorated by the crisp evening air or the nicotine. Probably the nicotine. After a casual chat like everything is just rosy and there had been no argument at all she then started on the dishes, and seeing this as your chance you walk behind her, give her a hug and say: “I’m sorry about earlier.”

She turned, hugged you back, and hesitated for a few seconds before replying: “Thank you.”

That’s right. ‘Thank you.’ Not: “I’m sorry too hunny bun oh apple of my eye let’s never fight again promise?” like you’d hoped.

That’s what she was supposed to say, but instead she just said ‘thank you’, and with that she is setting her stall for how it was all your fault and you were correct to apologise. You’re solely to blame and she has nothing to be sorry for, is what that "thank you" is really saying.

But now you can’t take your apology back for not getting one in return, no matter how much you want to, because then it will seem insincere. Which it was, but that wasn’t the point. You tried to the bigger person, and retracting your apology will make you tiny and weak.

She has you trapped.

So you did the only reasonable thing and you sat there for the rest of the evening and the rest of your marriage, holding that silent resentment.

That’s the way your parents did it. That is the way it’s done.

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