I was seven years old before I understood that Baby Jesus was the person nailed to the Easter cross and rose from the dead.
It's not that I was uneducated; I'd made my First Communion. Attended our local Catholic church with my parents wherever we lived over the years. I could tell you all about what happened in the Little Town of Bethlehem. I could even explain the stations of the cross, Veronica's veil, and most of the plot of Ben-Hur.
I just never connected the dots. Couldn't find my way from Point A to Point B. The story wandered, back in the day when the only scripture I heard was part of the homily and what we were taught to say as part of our Catechism. I didn't question anything. I was taught. I repeated what I was taught. You just don't know what you don't know.
I went to a public high school and truly experienced diversity of thoughts and beliefs for the first time. I dated Jewish boys, had lunch with agnostics and atheists, attended Methodist youth groups, danced in Presbyterian church basements, was confounded by Mormons, and intrigued by Buddhist prayer beads.
I also attended church three times a week: Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday night. Plus the Monday evening 'Young People's Bible Study'. That is when I started to read the Bible on my own and puzzle out what I read.
What I didn't do is question anything that I was taught. Let me tell you: I was taught a LOT.
- Women, young and old, were to be silent in the Church.
- Women could teach children only.
- Women didn't pray aloud when men were present.
- There was certainly a coming Rapture, as well as a Thousand Year reign of Peace, an Anti-Christ, two Beasts, and False Prophet.
- It was imperative that Christians spread the Gospel, share the Good News, and bring others to Christ.
- Being gay was a sin, marrying outside of the faith was a tragedy.
- Do not bring shame on the Church. Do not bring shame on your family.
- Women mostly work before they are married or if they are widowed.
Frankly, this probably just scraped the surface. It was a LOT. It IS a lot. Remembering, heeding, practicing: it embodied my inner map by which I navigated my life. If I dared deviate there were always consequences.
Example: I didn't 'cut class' or skip classes in high school. Except. Except that one time. It's easy for me to remember and I wasn't allowed to forget it since my classmates would tease me about hearing my name called over the loud speaker to report to the principal's office.
You see, my parents had a hunch that I had plans for the day and called the school to make sure I was not absent. They CALLED my HIGH SCHOOL. They gave me all evening to confess as to how I spent my day (hello to Josh and my still-happy memories of that wonderful day) and when no confession happened? I was grounded. For the Summer. The entire Summer.
Yeah. Step off the path at your own peril after that; I dare you.
That path, though? It could get lonely after a while. Being the only people that absolutely knew the real truth? It isolates part of yourself from others using a different map, walking a different path.
I remember a toy that was in a Sears catalog, or maybe Children's Palace or Toys-r-us. It was a wind up car that would follow a path that was drawn with a special pen. You could draw the straightest or waviest line and that car would dutifully follow the path you mapped out for it. No questions asked. Neat and tidy. No surprises.
That was me. My life. Following the path my parents drew. The map that the Churches had reinforced. The lines laid down by the husband of my youth. I knew it as well as I knew the back of my own hand.
Until the elders of that Church closed their eyes. Until that marriage ended. Until I built relationships with people that used different maps. Even grew to cherish those that dared to create their own maps or follow their own journey sans-map. I thought that could be me someday, too. That I could pick and choose what I would put on my Life TripTik.
It's only recently that I realized how deeply that Magic Pen had traced lines on my map for me to follow. The influence of White Christian nationalism has infected and harmed the United States. I recognize the teachings, because I once could parrot them back to you at the drop of a hat (had I been allowed to speak before a man).
- Women should not vote; that's for the male head of the family.
- The Umbrella Doctrine: God is over the Man, Man is over the Woman, Woman is over the children.
- People in 'other lands' are somehow lacking unless they conform to the Map.
- If speaking the truth brings shame to the Church or your family, then be silent.
- Women working is a rebuke to the family and if it must happen the woman must bear the shame and show no enjoyment.
- Families mean one man and one woman united for life.
- There are only two genders and no same-gender relationships.
- James Dobson and Focus on the Family were ordained by God and not to be questioned.
What's odd is that, like those little cars, my mind didn't quite pay attention to anything other than that long-ago-drawn line to follow. It took an effort of will to raise my head, look around, and think for myself.
And just when I think I'm off that narrow track I find out something new and realize I still have far to go. The latest was realizing after James Dobson's death that he was in agreement with the direction The Heritage Foundation created for each U.S. Administration every four years.
He was in agreement with all of the cruelty and pain people are experiencing now as the latest plan, as shown in Project 2025, is being enacted.
For so many years I listened to his radio show, read his books, bought the silly CDs and DVDs for my children, used the content he provided for Sunday School lessons.
I was trapped in that map, once, not that you could tell. But that time is over and I am seeking the truth of my life for myself. The road is wide, there's a soft breeze, I feel the sun on my face. No more map; I've taken the off ramp and I'm following the back roads.
I'll only travel this way once, after all. Might as well make the most of it.
About the Creator
Judey Kalchik
It's my time to find and use my voice.
Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.
You can also find me on Medium
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Comments (8)
Rigidness to a system that used misinterpretation/misrepresentation of Holy scripture leaves a congregation of Pharisees that serve nobody, not even themselves. I can see why you were turned off and hurt by that. Now I can understand you better. I also grew up with old-fashioned standards back in the day because I was born in 1954. I think what kept me unjaded towards God was the fact that because I was relatively un-exposed to any church and read the New Testament on my own at a young impressionable age. (My mom had read me both Old and New Testament Bible stories.) When my father and mother divorced, I lived in a female-dominated world. Then the cigarette commercial came out for Virginia Slims...even though I never smoked, I learned of the "issues" women were having competing for jobs/fairness in the workplace. But I never felt less-than or incapable of doing anything I wanted to, so ... Back to God...having read the Bible, I developed a hunger to have a relationship with the Creator of the world, not a relationship with any organized group of people. I figured God loved me if He was willing to send his Son to die for me. People I never trusted...I'd already been let down. I pray that you have that too (if you don't already.)
As someone who was raised catholic, I too and finding my own path. Well written, and relatable. Also, I've never even heard of James Dobson....off I go to Google.
Yep. there was a time on Vocal that this would not even have been published...so they have shifted the rule somewhat. The car is cute, so its not that. We have a few devils running the world, we always did. I am questioning everything too.
What a great article and I believe it all. I am Lutheran but also know Catholics, Baptists, Presbyterians, Methodists and many others. We believe and do what we need to do. You are a good person and just be happy and always continue to learn.
"There was certainly a coming Rapture, as well as a Thousand Year reign of Peace, an Anti-Christ, two Beasts, and False Prophet." ....has the Anti-Christ, Two beasts, and the false prophet come true here in America recently? I feel like it might be like...CURRENTLY happening. Looking forward to the 1000 years of peace part.... On the for real though. I'm super proud of you. It takes a special kind of strength to look up and realize that you're in shackles that aren't locked - and it takes an even more special kind to take those unlocked shackles off and walk off the path. I started going to church when I was in middle school. And I loved the Sunday school teachings. But I was also old enough to *in the Baptist church anyway* so go to regular Church sermons too. What I learned in Sunday school - and the things my preacher said didn't add up to me. As an adult, I tried again. I tried church, after church, religion, after religion, and no church called home. Most of them I left disgusted at the people, mostly the preachers. Then I prayed at the base of a great oak tree dangerously close to the house. I buried an acorn as I did, and begged God to save me. That if he was there that I need him now and that I couldn't find him on my own. And I'll swear to the day I die I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me close. The next day, my miracle happened- I got a piece of mail that saved EVERYTHING that I was about to lose. And now I feel God strongest when I am alone in my Garden, confiding in him. Surrounded by my mother, Nature. I have found a happy place between my Native American heritage and my strong belief that a kind, wonderful, mysterious, and completely misunderstood compassionate God exists to love us unconditionally. All we need to do is let them in our own souls. My prayers are strongest and loudest when I am truest to myself, my beliefs, and my virtues - and in my Garden.
This somehow slipped by me, as it seems it did for many. I love the frank, honest quality you always bring to personal stories and this is certainly no exception. In my humble opinion, this deserved to be a winner and I can't help but think the "G" word or "J" word definitely have a negative impact, whether due to curation, algorithm, or the hand of Old Scratch, himself. My struggles with faith as I grew up came from a Mormon dad, married to a Presbyterian mom. The tension was always there, but Mom was a strong woman and made it clear that the children could explore any religion they chose to and make up their own minds. These days, like you, I follow my own path. Great story, Judey, and a hearty congrats on story #500!
This was beautifully written Judey. I'm not surprised at that. You always bring a touch of heart and professionalism to anything you pen. I was fascinated by your mapped out story of your life with faith and sorry like so many you feel let down by the people you had to looked to direction from. I was brought up catholic too. So can totally relate to that part and know the guilt and shame that is drummed in. And then I broke away when I was old enough to realise I didn't wanna. It's so difficult faith. Finding the right path and you eloquently showed that. We may never agree on the ins and outs but I respect you as ever and even more for being open and speaking about your own truths and experience and also agree that it is awful how many use scripture to push their own patriarchal agendas. Whether you believe in the headship arrangement or not there are definitely those who bastardise it for their own means. This is a lot more of an important piece than it first seems and hope to see it in the winners circle. Saying that cos I believe. Well penned Judey.
This was a wonderfully written reflection. Your story unfolded seamlessly. I was able appreciate and understand your journey, despite being one of those cars you mention. Actually, I like to think I'm not blindly following a course laid out for me. I didn't take offense at the analogy because I do know people who believe as I do and I feel they wear blinders, refusing to see the world for what it is. What I took from reading this is how two women who were raised in organized religion can come away with such different perspectives. Perhaps it's because I'm not Catholic, I belong to the group you find confounding. Perhaps the difference is in where and when we grew up. Perhaps it's life circumstances. I do see that man has twisted Scripture to fit their flawed views, but I don't think those negative things you learned are Christ's teachings. I've always believed the greatest of all commandments is to love one another as Christ loved others. I believe in the God who dined with sinners, refused to condemn a woman taken in adultery, chastised church leaders for choosing tradition over charity, and died to save each one of us from the bonds of sin and death. I've never understood how someone can believe in Christ and think they are superior to anyone. He literally taught that the greatest would be the least among men, the ones who serve.