Surviving a Monster

You buy the test, you pee on the stick, the lines turn pink and your dreams are finally coming true. All the months of trying have finally given you your rainbow baby...but then the bottom drops out. The man you love, the man of your dreams. changes before your eyes. Slowly but surely, he becomes someone you don't even recognize anymore. He plays the game so well, you are the only one that sees it. The changes are small at first, easily explained by the stress of a third child on the way. He starts drinking more frequently and heavier. Blackout nights become the norm, instead of the random occurence they once were.

Finally, one day, it all comes to a head. You're two months pregnant, your body is changing, hormones are on high and everything you do or say seems to rub him the wrong way. In the middle of a small argument, he blows up. Suddenly you're struggling against him as he tries to drag you out the front door of your own home, while his cousin watches in the background quietly telling him to stop. You're too busy reaching for anything you can hold on to to slow his progress, you don't realize when his dog, the dog you have loved and cared for for the last three years, bites your pregnant belly. The first of many scars you will carry with you for the rest of your life. Battle scars that will forever remind you of the horror you have endured. When the dust settles, and the smoke clears, he returns to his sweet demeanour. Apologizing and blaming you for his actions, the classic narcissist always.

Naturally, as most victims do, you write off this uncharacteristic event as a one-off. After all, in the three years you have been together, he has never raised a hand towards you before. You're hormonal and admittedly sensitive, you blame yourself for what happened, falling into the trap he has set for you. It soon becomes clear how wrong you are. This event is anything but a one-off, it is the new norm in your home. A home that will no longer feel safe, but you will feel compelled to stay for any number of reasons.

Your family lives on the other side of the country, you are essentially alone with this man and the family you have created. How do you leave behind two step-children you have raised as your own for three years? Where would you go? What would you do? These are the questions that plague every victim of abuse in the beginning. The, incredibly strong, few are able to walk away at the first sign of abuse. They take their chances, put their lives first and take away their abuser's power over them. The not so strong, not so lucky, live in this hell for years. Five years in this case. Five years of beatings, bruises, scratches and bleeding. Five years of excuses made to friends, co-workers and family.

The nights are plagued with fights. No matter what you say or do, you endure verbal and physical abuse almost every day of the week. But then, every morning that sweet man you married seems to return, with no memory of the bruises he has left you with. Surprisingly, through a pregnancy fraught with physical altercations, your daughter is born. That is what saves your life. You realize as you look at this tiny person you created, that you never really understood love before. You wish nothing more than to give her everything in life, but as she gets older, she sees more than you think she does.

One fateful day, a week after your 29th birthday, you have your last fight with this man. Well, the last fight as his wife. After years of increasing alcohol and drug abuse, losing his licence and blaming you for everything, you finally have enough. Was that choking the last straw, or are you just tired of things being thrown at you? Maybe it was your daughter's scream when he upended the kitchen cart while she ate her breakfast. You're not quite sure what made up your mind that day, but you know that having your daughter ask you "Why does daddy hate us?" is something you never want to hear again.

And so you finally leave. You pack up all your earthly belonging, everything you can think of and your fair share of your daughter's things. You fill your father's van to the brim and make your way back home. You are safe, and the fight is over, or so you think. The fight will never be over with this man. You have taken away his favourite punching bag. You have shown the world who he really is. You have refused to submit to him any longer. He will plague every part of your life any way he can, but he will never lay another hand on you. And that, my dear, is winning. You have taken back your life, and you have given your sweet child the chance of finding a partner in life that won't do the same to her.

Congratulations mama, you did it. Stay strong, and determined. This road is hard, but it is so worth it. You are worth it. You are a survivor.