Stories We Avoid Telling

Journaling provides catharsis in the moment, but rereading twenty years of thought also means rereading judgment, anger, and mistakes. Here I share these entries to create space for laughter, compassion, and forgiveness.

I want to emphasize the difference between understanding the importance of something and understanding how to do that thing. Any practice is exercise: I know that consistent exercise will help my mental health, but knowing this does not mean I suddenly am exercising in whatever way the most recent science recommends. Instead, I probably exercise on and off, fluctuating between periods of compliance and noncompliance depending on other factors in my life. I go through trial and error, trying new forms periodically to find what works for me. Ultimately, I will never “achieve” exercise. My situation will always be changing, I will get injured, and my mind will tell me better ways to spend the time. My life will invariably contain factors that affect my motivation, and that is okay.

In the same way, honest reflection is easier to understand than to practice. Even though I have been journaling for as long as I could write, there have always been pieces of myself I have been unwilling to put down on a page. As I journal in the present, then, these pieces are often left unexplored because I am not yet ready to see those parts of myself.

My privacy and secrecy extends as far as my own journal entries, where I would intentionally leave out or add in feelings to throw off anyone who might pick it up to read. Emotions and thoughts were often fabricated to create a stronger or more ideal version of myself. Once or twice I even injected a false memory during periods of paranoia, each of these marked with secret clues to my future self. I believed the catharsis of journaling functioned whether or not you are being completely honest. I still believe this to some extent, and remain extremely private in the present, but a journal should be the one place we can share freely and honestly. LET IT OUT.

The first step to becoming more honest in my present reflections is to correct the deception of the past, share this honestly with others who may struggle with the same issues, and show myself compassion for all of this. Looking back, it is easy to see which pieces are missing, which were embellished, and which pain has turned to humor with time. I now enter into a new phase of reflection. I will share my past entries with you as honestly as possible, including details of why I left pieces out, what those pieces are, and how leaving them out hurt me or helped me. I also want to share the entries that bring me joy to reread; the rare moments where I was raw and honest with myself.

How will I be more honest?

Reflection: some entries are quick and snippy. Feeling has been completely removed. I will create space within the post to be more honest with myself.

Humor: some rare entries are brutally honest. I will include these too. It is in these instances journaling proves to us how true it is that time can turn pain into humor.

Poetry: some entries are long and boring, embellished with irrelevant details to fog up meaning. The length of these entries dilutes honesty. Removing words will show the true meaning.

Missing Stories: some stories are completely missing from my journals. I will write these stories for the first time here, and hold myself accountable to complete honesty in my thoughts and emotions.