Songs as The Substitute for My Heart Woes

Months had passed since the time I still remembered what happened that day. And my heart, long numb, could no longer recall the highs and lows brought to it by your presence. Despite all that, I still hummed the melody of that song you dedicated to me.

You were special. You were my first — but also my second, my third, my fourth. And if I were to allow you, you could’ve been my last. But I didn’t let your number get past seventh. That was the end: my limit.

I could not call you kind; we both knew you weren’t agreeable. But neither had I been, and you accepted that, or at least, you made me believe so. For after all, it was your lies that broke us.

Us, two, used to be nothing but strangers. I somehow caught your interest, and you showered me with the attention I came to crave. And so, we tangoed in our conversations despite not intending to court the other.

By some chance, you fell. Or was it me?

This detail would not matter anymore, I think.

What truly mattered was the journey we went through. How did your stark darkness illuminate the void in me? When my heart, even when it was full of love for you, did not even reach the deep recesses of your abyss.

No theory of mine could ever be an accurate approximation of the truth you’ve hidden. The only clue you left lied in your serenade.

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

Song #1 — The Song You Deleted

I recall not of what it was about, its lyrics, and so on. When you posted, we were talking steadily then. You already confessed.

I constantly refreshed your news feed for updates while I await our next meeting.

Then I came to see you posted this song.

It was a lonely song of someone not being satisfied in a relationship.

Of course, I commented simply, “What’s wrong?”

You then replied, “It’s not about you.” And deleted it altogether.

That was the first time I was introduced to the concept of an ex as a relationship dealbreaker.

That was the first instance I knew that an ex could be a greater deterrent than a mistress.

We talked about her then. And before I knew it, we talked about her every single day. Heck, maybe I knew more about her than you knew about me.

You gave me access to your convo, but I didn’t read it until much later.

You painted her image so badly, yet you would always defend her when I hated her.

Right now, I wonder… Do you even defend my name to your current beau?

Or was I so bad that even your grace wouldn’t rescue me from the scorn?

Because I know you talk about me, and you talk about me badly.

Don’t worry ’cause I also used to talk shit about you.

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

Song #2 — The Song We Claimed as Ours

| Until I Found You — Stephen Sanchez |

I heard this song once more when it was played aloud by my father. It was the background music in the film coverage of the renewal of vows ceremony of one of his photography friends. This friend of his had been good to us, so me and my mom had been watching attentively.

I greatly admired the composition of the video, its color-grading, and so on. Even as the song played, I found it greatly suitable to the sophisticated atmosphere that pervaded the intricate wedding.

To say “I wished it had been our wedding” would be a lie. For I simply just walked away once it registered to me that they were using our song.

Yes. For me, that song is still ours.

I never really laid claim to any song before I met you, though I hadn’t been the one to say this one is ours. It was you who said, “I thought I would never fall in love again until I found you.”

That statement, I took it seriously. Who wouldn’t?

Though, in hindsight, it was shallow — the way you said it.

I had been wrong to fail to realize early that you said the same thing to your ex. And then again, you said the same thing to your current beau — the one whom I suspect had been your mistress all along.

She was there when we broke up. And she was there when we were still together. Perhaps, she was the ‘one’ who complained about being treated as an ‘option’ when according to you everyone starts as one, back when we were still just talking.

I stopped typing, realizing something. For a while, I lamented over the fact that in this song, which used to be ours, only stories of people who are not us can be told.

Is this song still ours? I ask.

Or had once the love faded, even the memory of the excitement from being memorialized in the sweet, sweet melody of a love song faded with it?

I can never really know. Though, I doubt it.

Because whenever I hear the song, I still know it is ours. And since I had long let go of everything related to you, I had long grown to dislike it.

Such a simple and innocent song ruined in distaste. Very much like what you did to me.

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

Song #3 — The Song of Your Conditional Love

| Falling — Trevor Daniel |

When I asked my mom to interpret this song for me, she held a different view than I did. At first, I thought she didn’t understand, for she belonged in a different generation and did not appreciate most of the songs in our playlist. But surprisingly, she was much more accurate than I had been in deciphering its meaning.

“Come closer, I’ll give you all my love. If you treat me right, baby, I’ll give you everything.”

I blasted, repeating to myself the insight I just gained. The key message wasn’t in the falling in love part; after all, I wasn’t as special for you as I once thought. These lyrics which contained your affections at that time, held a much deeper secret.

My parents thought they knew us. In their eyes, we were a typical bickering couple entangled in a puppy love, the type one will forget within a few months time.

I never knew how it was for you, but I assume I got it way worse. I still write about you even after all these years.

I remember you told me that you like me because I was different. Not flirty, not casual. Just plain serious and boring. You wanted to try my type.

And you? You were alright. A little cute and a crybaby. Totally not someone I was hoping to fall for. But I did. I liked you.

I liked you to the point that I put up with your shenanigans, I persevered and held onto our relationship despite your many tests, and finally, in one leap of courage and hope, I transformed myself to become someone who’ll nurture you. Someone who could set aside her own pain and bottled-up trauma, in order to color your world.

And I had been successful. I was able to lift up your veil in order to see you clearly.

Why? I ask you. What is it that I lack?

Why leave it as that? Why leave me as soon as I glimpsed the real you?

You need not be afraid anymore. I was there. I was there for you. I did everything to be there for you.

“That’s enough,” you told me once. “You make me the happiest,” you added.

And yet it did not add up. If I was enough, why did you leave? If I made you the happiest, why couldn’t you include me in your future?

I thought and thought and yet I couldn’t find an answer.

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

Song #4 — The Song that Set Our Rhythm

| Coast — Hailee Steinfield — Anderson Paak |

“They all been sayin’ that I ain’t the same. Listen, I been chillin’ with you for a couple days. If you ain’t afraid, me and you should rage in the sun rays.”

You posted this lyric, verbatim, a few weeks before our breakup.

I just met your sister then, while you already met my family beforehand. My father even frequently joked, asking, when will we get married.

Everything was seemingly happy. It looked like our lives were finally starting to align.

We were happily patching up our old grievances, and actively working towards being better for ourselves and each other.

But then your graduation neared and you suddenly became distant.

I had to beg you for texts and call you for hours. And even when you answered, you were no longer how you used to be. You would just smile at me, tearily, as if you had the whole world on your shoulders. And my comfort could no longer reach you.

One day, you dropped the words. BREAK UP. No fluff.

Just fucked up logic, and a handful of foolish excuses.

You said someone messaged you. And that someone was your ex’s cousin. I questioned, “So what?” Until you gave up on your bullshit.

You said you have a lot of dreams at stake and you’re not willing to give them up. I finally accepted your reasoning and moved on.

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

Song #5 — The Song of My Wrongdoings

| Blue — Kamal |

“You want me to beg for your attention. You want me to beg you for your time. You don’t wanna show me no affection. But you want me to show you all of mine.”

This song had a really nice chorus, but that would not be the highlight of today. According to the rules, anything, even a piece of highly biased writing, would be much more effective if it examined the other side.

And for us, that side is… or was, rather, yours.

You had an ex and a whole load of options. I opted to just choose you. Unknowingly that caused you to bear most of my baggage as I was someone who was barely stable, emotionally and mentally.

I had to rely on you a lot, not the selfish in the form others would typically assume it to be. But perhaps, selfish enough to warrant you leaving.

I wouldn’t just ask you, “How are you?” I would ask a whole lot of other questions like, “What made you feel that way?” “How can you make things better?” Apparently, I wasn’t showing concern by saying that. Apparently, I caused you to think lowly of yourself by asking such questions.

As if your dwelling on the past was my orchestration and not something you swamped me with on the get-go. As if you were not an active participator in the convo, and just passively taking all of my gaslighting.

But let’s reason out that all that you said was true and I was just bitter.

Perhaps, in hindsight, the reason why I felt this way when you left me had been because I worked so hard to get inside you. I couldn’t accept you letting go as soon as I was in. Worse still, I couldn’t comprehend how I didn’t know you at all as it ended, when I spent all my time doing just that.

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

Song #6 — The Song that is Our Last Straw

| Feel Like Shit — Tate McRae |

After our break-up, you chatted me, asking if I was even bothered at all.

I replied that yes, I am greatly bothered. But I have accepted it and now I’m once again open to dating.

You asked how could that be. How could I move on that easily when you now want to die? Do I not what your company or something?

But I shut myself off from the idea. I knew I endured too much disrespect from you and surely you asking that meant you haven’t even learned from it.

Still, I replied honestly that I deeply care and feel for you.

Nothing hurt more when I saw your story containing the words.

“Last night for the very first time. You didn’t even try to call. Oh, I won’t lie. I thought I might die. I couldn’t even sleep at all.”

But you couldn’t expect me to be there for you forever.

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

Song #7 — The Song of a New Beginning — The Girl — Feng Ze

Months and years passed and our unresolved ending finally took a toll on me.

I rebranded myself. Dated new people. Stopped rereading our messages. But your ghost still haunts me.

One new year I asked you for closure. I asked for nothing but that. But you made it seem as if I was desperate to get you back. You shamed me for it. For still thinking about you all these years.

Still never gave me an answer. Told me to just give it up.

I cried so loudly. I even drank liqueur without a chaser.

Only when I found this song, my only contribution in this playlist you’d never see, had I been relieved.

Its message brought great comfort to me.

“There is nothing wrong with letting go. It’s never too late to say sorry.

We both know in love there’s no right or wrong.

Honesty can be difficult but it allows quicker acceptance. Being strong isn’t easy.

I’m not completely alright. We both have regrets, but life still goes on.

Love can’t be forced. Acceptance takes time.”

-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-

I do not know why up to this day I still bother to write about you.

I just get amused by these small bouts of pettiness that always comes with the memory of your name.

I see them as signs, not of still caring, nor even being engrossed in what I write, but as traces of the once deeply-ingrained feelings of betrayal, the maddening anger I felt when you left me hanging in despair.

Needless to say, none of it bothers me now; or rather, I treat everything differently.

No longer am I wishing for the closure you never gave.

No longer do I wish you to suffer as I had, even when I still wish you’ll not prosper.

No longer do I wonder what has gone wrong, nor do I write about our tale to make sense of it.

I am now just simply curious, curious about these tiny strands, containing you, that you left in my domain.

Curious about what I could do with them now that they lost their preciousness.

I have tried to burn them all. And there they lay burnt. But these memories live on, staying true to their immaterial nature.

They do not disintegrate just because I want them to, so I decided to make use of them as best as I can.

They are all around me, these traces of you. They are in the subtleties of my daily life, in the small details that I occasionally notice. However, they are most alive in the realm of music, in the songs we used to play.