Something is different.

There he was watching them. And then it happened over and over again. Like someone put those 5 minutes on repeat. I’m screaming but I can’t hear it. I’m screaming, but why won’t anyone help! Help! Please he

I wake up so fast, I think my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

“Faye, you okay? What’s wrong?”

I thought tonight was a good idea. We’ve been dating for the past few weeks, so I thought him sleeping over was a good idea. This was a terrible idea.

“I’m fine, sorry to wake you. Go back to sleep babe.”

“Was it the nightmares again?” I can tell he’s worried. His eyebrows are so furrowed through the sleepiness written all over his face. Something about me wants to just tell him. This is a terrible idea.

I lie, “No, no, just a weird dream that I can’t even remember.” I’m not ready to tell him about this yet. I just got to the point where I feel like he can spend the night. The nightmares hadn’t been this bad in awhile, so I thought I was in the clear. I want to tell him but, it’s just too much. I swear he can see my heart beating through my oversized Penn shirt. His eyes look like they are truly fighting the sleep trying to conquer them.

“Go back to sleep babe, I’m fine. Promise.” His arms slide around the bottom of my waist and pull me back under the satin sheets. I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep.

Shit. Walking into work this morning is legit hell. I feel like someone ran over my head with a steam truck last night and then decided pick me up and tell me to keep walking. I couldn’t fall back asleep last night. Every time I closed my eyes the loop repeated, like the visions behind my eyelids were no longer controlled by me.

“Faye! Hold that ellie!” If any person other than Lexi was yelling at me right now, I probably would’ve turned into the Southside Chicago version of myself real quick. But, something about her British, slight Yonkers accent made me forget the pit in my stomach.

“I don’t think anyone is ever going to get used to hearing you talk in this building. They get confused as to whether or not they should like you cause of your British accent or whether they should take you on cause of your Yonkers twang.”

“Ahhh shutup. They don’t need to know my whole life story. I’m a mixed BRIT who loves New York Pizza!” The people in the lobby are staring directly into the glass elevator as the doors slowly but surely relieve us from her noisy embarrassment. “Love, you look exhausted. Like a fuckin’ truck hit you on your way in.” This is why she is my best friend. How many people can literally pull words directly out of your head. But, dang do I really look that bad… “What’s up?”

“Well damn, thanks Lex. I just couldn’t sleep much.”

“Ayeeeee, you couldn’t or you didn’t?” Her hips whine around in a circle. “Because if you didn’t, my next question is how did Ian put it down?” Each word is attached to a bob of her annoying peanut head like she’s singing a song about how my man is in bed. I can’t help but laugh.

“You are so stupid. Ian did sleep over. But that’s not why I couldn’t sleep. Just bad dreams.”

Her joking nature evaporated so quickly off of her face, it’s like she knew exactly what I meant, but I know she didn’t. I haven’t told anyone about what happens in the dreams, just that they happen every now and then, and they’re so scary that I can’t remember them in the morning. But, I always remember.

“Faye, you gotta see someone about that. You know I could ask my lady to see you this week. I really don’t feel like it would hurt. But, there has to be a reason you are dealing with this, because I’ve hear-”

“How did you go from asking how Ian put it down to recommending me to your therapist?” As she is about to get even more serious with me, the elevator stops on the 25th floor. She hesitates, contemplating if she’s ready to push me on this, this time. She must be able to read me better than I thought, because she sticks her foot out to stop the doors from sliding closed, hugs me so fast my scarf almost falls off and yells, “so he DID put it down!” as she dances off the elevator. My heart is sad for a moment. Like she feels lonelier knowing that my own best friend doesn’t know what we are going through. But, what am I supposed to do? Give someone else this burden, like I’m just passing off some giant stone that’s been on my shoulders for 11 years? No, that’s exactly what I’m not going to do.

“Good Morning Ms. Faye. You have a delivery on your desk.”

“Thank you Ms. Tina. And I told you about that, just call me Faye!” I smile, feeling the sincerity of her welcome. The vibrant flowers on my desk make me forget the sadness that was just inside of me.

I’m sorry you couldn’t sleep last night and that I was so unhelpful in staying up with you. Let me make it up to you with dinner next week. Miss you already.

-Ian

My heart is clearly excited, as she jumps and leaps inside of my blouse. Ever since the night we met, he has yet to leave at least a corner of my mind. Something about him is just different.

Years ago...

“You should go talk to him!” He was standing at a high-boy in the middle of the lounge. Something about him was just different. He stuck out in comparison to the 200 other, regular men, a diamond amongst all rocks. His smile was like a beacon flashing across the room. “Faye if you don’t get over there, I will.”

“Lex, Ryan is literally just in the bathroom right now.”

“I know. I’m joking, just get your bottom over there.” I glanced back over in his direction and he was gone. “Shit shit shit, he’s walking this way. He did a loop and is walking. This. Way. FINE WHITE BOY COMING THIS WAY!” She sounded like an air traffic controller, the two of us were acting like teenage girls at a high school dance.

“Hi.” I swore a voice from up above was talking to me, the way its deep bravado rang in my ears could not have stemmed from that of a normal human being. “I’m Ian.” He was just so composed like walking up to complete strangers was a regular event for him. Up close, his teeth were pearls, beads of jewelry there just dazzling me. I forgot my name.

“This is Faye. I’m Lex.” I felt like I was in a movie, my mind was completely blank. He literally stole my thoughts with his jaw-line, so defined that only God could have made him. “You double fisting tonight, you’ve got two drinks in your hands!” Lex was really holding it down for me. I had no idea what was happening - I’d never felt this way before, especially not for a stranger. Guys didn’t typically dazzle me the same way they did for other women. I just knew that deep down, they all probably had some dark secret I would never find out about until too late and then who knows what would happen.

“Faye!” I could feel Lex tapping my arm, as if yelling my name was still conspicuous enough.

“I’m sorry. Hi. I’m Faye.” I did the awkward hand motion slash wave like I was some strange third wheel. It was clear he was standing there to talk to me.

“Yeah yeah we are already passed that love.”

He laughed at me. “Hi Faye, I brought this drink over for you. I’m just now realizing though, that I probably should’ve just asked you what you wanted and walked with you to the bar, so you wouldn’t think I was drugging you or something.” What a strange joke to make in a bar lounge.

“It’s okay. I, um, already have a drink on the way. But, that was a sweet thought. Both the drink and the after ‘not wanting to seem like a creeper’ thought too.” It was like I was back to myself, feeling confident and maybe even flirty? Something was different.

We talked in one of those cute little love seat booths for the rest of the night. Talking to him wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. Talking to him was easy, simple. No extra, awkward pauses or uncomfortable jokes. Just simple.

“No way, you’ve heard of Granger Park. How? It is like the most unheard-of suburb in Chicago.” It seemed like he never stopped laughing at me. I liked it.

“My family lived in Lister from when I was 8 until like 17. But, my brother and I went to LFHS.”

“Get the fuck outta here. That’s so wild. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who has even heard of Granger. How did you get all the way to New York?” Despite the fact that the DJ decidedly turned the lounge into a club, we weren’t paying attention to anything else in the room. It was like it was all just background chatter and our conversation was the only thing that mattered. At least nothing else mattered to me.

“Photography actually. I’m a professional photographer. And what better place to be than the NYC?”

He talked about the way he felt when he held a camera in his hands - like he was given a whole new perspective every time he looked through a different lens. He was quite literally my renaissance man and I couldn’t get enough of it. Time flew that night. It seemed like we talked for hours about anything and everything. My heart was happy, ha, she was ecstatic. I told him about me working on Wall Street and the hell that it is. I told him about my baby brother going off to college in the Fall and how proud I was of him after he kept pushing after our parents passed. I told him about my crush in middle school on the boy across the street, I - I don’t know why I told him that - as if that was just some random boy.

“Wow, it’s already 3 AM. I didn’t even know this place stayed open this long.”

“This was actually my first time coming here, I figured I should make some non-artsy friends for a change. Looks like I did.” His laugh wrapped my heart in a warm embrace. I never needed to move from this spot. “We better be heading out, I think I've heard that Wall Street never sleeps, so you probably enjoy some weekend rest.” So thoughtful.

“This is true,” I said, nodding unsure if he wanted to just leave it at that or…

“I’d love to see you again though.” My heart did 5 kartwheels in one second.

Today

Thank you for the flowers. Dinner next week sounds great.

I feel like a child as I text Lex about my next date with Ian.

Lex, got a date with Ian next week, tongue emoji.

Faye, Only you would actually type out the words tongue emoji instead of putting the actual emoji. Bitch, you know I can’t stand those little emojis, they’re creepy.

You’re creepy. Get back to work.

Byeeee!

Everyday at the office seems to fly by with the IPO’s of three new start-ups coming and the investment on BigHeart into another pharmaceutical. I feel like my life is on fast-forward, blurring past me from 7 in the morning until 11 at night. Throughout the day, my mind travels into my phone as we text and talk, missing each other and dreaming of the days when we can just work when we want and how we want.

“Ms. Evans. Ms. Evans. FAYE.” My supervisor is staring at me and I have no idea why. “Do you have anything to add to the portfolio of investments?” Oh shit. These aren’t those days yet.

“Yes, Of course. My apologies. If you take a look at page 6, you’ll see that I’ve put together…” I can’t really help but fall into a lull thinking about Ian. He stopped by the building yesterday to bring me lunch and even came up to the 59th floor just to take photos of me in my office. I think it’s the way he looks at me, like I’m really the only person he sees. The way he kisses my forehead, like he’s never held something or someone so delicately. My heart is happy, but she’s scared. She’s terrified of trusting someone again.

“Ms. Leever, I am so sorry for my mental absence today. I’ve just had trouble sleeping this week. But I am on it.”

“Nonsense Faye, you killed it in there when you needed to. I’m glad you decided to stay with us.” Last month, some other people had given me offers to switch to a big bank instead of the boutique like Wynnor, but I decided against it.

“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

At the gym, I can feel myself trying to get rid of a weight on me, like each rep I do gives me more and more power. Work has been a lot and busy and tiring. I haven’t hung out with my friends since the night I met Ian. It’s like I’m 24, but living the life of a middle-aged white man at JPMorgan or something. On the treadmill, I run until my legs physically can’t go any further, but I feel like if I keep going I can just conquer everything that I need to, everything that I want…

I slip off my nikes and slump onto the barely used couch in my loft. I can feel my eyes getting heavy like someone attached little miniature cinder blocks to each eyelash. But, I don’t want to go to sleep again. The gym was a release, a moment of feeling totally free, and now I’m back to just me and my stressful thoughts. Let alone the fact that the nightmares are getting worse, more vivid and I have no idea why. I just want to think about my date with Ian in a couple days and the amazing food we are abo

Everything is black again. I’m back in my room in the same pink and green frog pajamas, standing in front of my window. My feet are cemented to the ground, my head frozen in place. I watch it happen over and over again like a loop on repeat. His body standing there, shoulders hunched over so far it’s like gravity controls their every movement. I know what he’s thinking of doing and I’m trying to scream to stop him, but I can’t. It’s like the volume to my mouth has been shut off. He walks into the house. WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP THEM. I’m crying and screaming but my chubby cheeks are dry, sore from trying to open my mouth wide enough for any sounds to come out. But nothing does. I can’t do anything. It’s like no one can see what he’s doing, they’re all just walking up and down the street as if he didn’t just kill them all. Everyone stop! Please stop! He walks up to me, blood on his clothes, face somehow blacked out. “You didn't do anything to save them, because you trust me. Don’t you? You know why I did it. I had to. You know I had to. You saw me the whole time.” WHO ARE YOU?! But he can’t hear me. “You are just as guilty as I am.”

My heart wakes me up so quickly, I think I’m suffering from a mini cardiac arrest. What’s going on with my mind and my heart, like they’re not in sync anymore? My hands are shaking as if the entire building was just rocked by an earthquake. I reach for my phone and struggle to type in his name, fingers fumbling over the touch keyboard.

Hey, are you up?

Yeah, what’s up? You okay? It’s super late. You're not still working are you?

It’s crazy how quickly he can make my heart feel differently. Just the fact that he responded this late made her happy, like when he’s near or even just thinking about us, she has no need to be scared or worried or anything like that.

No, not still working. Just… Should I tell him the truth? That i’m having these nightmares that wake me up almost every night and I'm screaming. That there are these dreams that are actually just playbacks of reality. Not even my own best friend knows about them. But, Ian is different. He knows me differently. To Lex, I’m this strong, powerful, independent woman who could benefit from talking to someone. To Ian, though I’m just me, the same way I see myself. I can trust him with myself. My whole self… Just having these nightmares again.

Do you want me to come over?

“Thank you for coming.” I never want him to let me go. I bury my face into his chest, legs simply following his as he walks us over to the bed.

“Do you want to talk about it? I know this isn’t something you do, so if you’re not ready that’s okay.”

I think I am ready. I don’t think I’m going to feel like this with anyone else, because this is different. Ian is different and I’ve always been different.

“When I was younger, I just was pretty messed up for a couple of years. One of my good friends, the boy I told you I had a crush on in middle school? Yeah. He passed away when we were young… and I don’t know it um…” For the first time, I don’t feel like I need to keep it a secret, but I don’t want to scare him away.

“It’s okay Faye. You don’t have to go in detail. I understand.” Do you though? “When I was younger, my brother was a little messed up, we weren’t sure why. My parents finally told me and him that he was adopted. It sort of messed our entire family up for awhile, especially him.” I forgot he even had a brother, he never talks about him.

“Yeah…” I don’t really know what else to say, it’s not the same thing… but it’s sweet that he’s trying.

“That’s why I love photography, I actually take photos of families. Being able to help families capture their happiness and love for one another is a gift to myself too. Kind of a way to juxtapose my own childhood.” Being in his arms is somehow protecting my mind from reprimanding me from talking about the boy across the street.

“Thank you Ian.”

“Thank you Faye.” I finally stop fighting sleep.

The Italian food whirls past me as I push out of the revolving doors of the restaurant. All New York City buildings prefer you use the circle doors for the winter, since its cold and everything outside. I don’t know how he knew I loved Italian. As I walk up to ask the receptionist for my table, I see him staring at me with a huge smile on his face. My heart is happy again.

“How in the world did you know I love Italian food?” Of course he laughs at me. “Why are you always laughing at me!” My fist bounces off of his muscular shoulder, hidden underneath a white knitted sweater.

“Because you’re adorable. I’ve never met someone who is so easily amused with things before. It’s touching.” I can feel my cheeks turning a rosy shade of chocolate. “Soooo…” He’s blushing now too and I absolutely love it. I feel like I love him.

“Soooo, what?” It’s crazy to me how close we’ve gotten over the past couple months. I can tell that he’s nervous when his right cheek twitches a little, making his dimple move the slightest bit.

“The holiday season is coming up and I was wondering if maybe, you’d like to come home with me and meet my family.” I haven’t been around someone’s family in a long time, besides Lex and her adorable babies. But that’s different. “I know I made it sound like we are messed up last night, and we were. But the past couple of years we get together for the holidays, and it’s been fun…” He keeps trailing off, as if he’s waiting for me to say something. He’s been here for me, and I should be there for him.

“I’d love to…plus I talked to my brother yesterday and he’s got a new girlfriend at school that he wants to go home with for the holidays. So it’ll just be me.” I can’t help but smile at his excitement, maybe he thought I was going to say no. “Plus, I have real life vacation days to use so I’m even more in than I thought I was two seconds ago.”

“Awesome, plus when was the last time you were home?” My heart freezes, it’s like I can feel her staring at me wondering what I’m going to say. I haven’t actually been home since the boy across the street passed. My parents sent me to my Aunt’s place in Jersey and then they moved out to New York and I met them there a year later. I didn’t not tell him on purpose, it’s just not something I thought about, because how do I think about that, without thinking about — the boy across the street. I gulp my glass of red wine down so fast, the waiter just stands there to refill it when I’m done.

“It’s been a while, like a long while.”

I’m trying my best to pack everything before Ian picks me up in the morning. There’s a feeling of dread in my stomach as I think about being near my old home. The memories I once had are all tainted, splattered with the remnants of what they used to be. Like my memories were a canvas and Jackson Pollock came up and decided it needed something extra. Ha, that was funny. I’m pretty funny, if I can just keep some light-hearted feelings during this trip, it will be fine. I slip on my pajamas, feeling the warm fleece on my thighs, somehow makes me feel like everything will be okay. The weekend will be great.

My feet were frozen again, cemented into the ground. There was a clock on my old bedside, its red lines said 8:01 PM. I didn’t want this to happen again. I did my best to wake myself up because I knew it couldn't be real. I saw him standing there on the sidewalk, just watching them. I didn’t know why he was watching them this time. I felt like maybe I should trust him this time, like it was different. I thought maybe he lost his own family, or maybe the family in the window was his family, but they’d expelled him from their home or something like that. It wasn’t going to be like before. I looked back at the clock and it was 8:11, the streetlights were at their brightest, giving the street the eeriest sentiment. And somehow, this time, even from across the street, I could see every detail of his body, the way his arms hung just past the middle of his thigh. The way his shoulders hunched, as if gravity controlled their every movement. Something about him screamed sadness, so I stopped panicking. He just seemed sad. The family was happy, and he just stood there watching them, while I stood there and watched him.

My alarm woke me up with the sounds of birds chirping and wind chimes hitting one another. I had a dream, but it wasn’t one that woke me up with the fright of who knows what. It just happened and then I woke up.

Hey, you ready? I’m downstairs.

Coming!

“What time is the flight again?” I feel so carefree, not needing to plan anything or be worried about my boss calling me.

“Takeoff is at 12 PM, and we should land around 1:45.”

“Thank you sir.” On the plane, I tell Ian about all the plane rides I took with my Dad to go see my granny. “One time, he took me up to meet the pilot… I haven’t talked about my parents like this since they passed away. It’s nice. My heart is happy.”

“You’re adorable.” He squeezes my hand and nods to sleep and I lean my head on his to do the same.

The trees outside are strangely familiar, even as they blur past the windows of our 2015 Audi rental. My heart doesn’t know what to feel, she’s not sure whether to be scared or excited. I’m meeting my boyfriend’s…wow boyfriend…I’m meeting his family today and I didn’t think this would happen for a while.

“Hey you okay? You got quiet.” His warm hand finds mine beside the joystick.

“I’m good babe.”

“It’ll be fine. They will love you. You trust me, right?”

“I trust you.”

We pull up to a beautiful stone home, the size of three brownstones stacked next to one another. “Ian. This place is amazing. I didn’t even know there were houses like this in Lister.”

“Yeah, my parents love it here. Never wanna move. By the way, my brother will be here later on in the night, just so you know and aren’t afraid if some random person walks in our room.”

“Why would he walk in our room?”

“Oh,” he seems so nervous, “my parents said we should stay in his room since it has the largest bed in the house.”

“Fine with me.” His parents greet us at the door. I think they’re a bit surprised to see me with melanin in my skin, but the welcome is just as warm as could be. They tell me how much they’ve heard about me and Ian smiles hesitantly, watching my every reaction. The inside of the house is just as beautiful as the outside, decorated with Christmas trees and holiday spirit. I can’t imagine what it must have been like living here as a kid. The only pictures around the house are ones of his parents or just of Ian by himself. I don’t see the brother in many…I guess because of the adoption revelation.

“You two are probably exhausted, we’ve put together Alex’s room so you can stay there.” His mom has a bit of a tremor, and you can tell Ian and his dad are nervous about her movements. His family is adorable, I wish I could give him this same experience with my parents. He would have loved them.

“Yeah, we’ll probably retire for the night.”

“Thank you so much for having me, it means a lot.”

“Of course Faith, we are happy to have you.” Just like a cute little old man to get my name wrong. Ian unpacks his things and revels in the glory of his childhood days, telling me about the trophies he won and the non-artsy friends he once had in high school.

“Thank you for coming Faye. It really means the world to me.” My heart does a flip.

“I’m glad I could come.” We hear the garage door open and at the same time and Ian runs to the window that happens to overlook their driveway. “I don’t see anyone.”

“It’s my brother, he’s getting the mail, see over there.” He points his finger to a dirty spot on the window and I stop. My heart stops. I can’t breathe. The figure at the mailbox is hunched at the shoulders. His movements, slow and methodic. I need to leave, but I can’t feel any part of my body, like my feet are cemented into the ground. I’m screaming and this time Ian can hear me. He’s holding me but all I can do is scream and cry.

“Your brother killed the boy across the street. He killed the family. He walked into their home and shot each of them.” Somehow I find my feet, thawed from the cement that once held them captive. Ian is just staring at me, unsure what to do. He has to know, how could he not know? Has he been lying to me? I trusted him and he lied to me, he had to have lied to me. My heart is confused and sad and doesn’t know what to do. But I have to leave.

“Faye, please stop. What are you talking about? He didn’t hurt anyone.” I’ve never seen his face like this before, the way its contorted with pain and anger. But at who? At me, for saying something so horrid? Or at his brother for being capable of something so sickening? Nothing makes sense and I need to leave. I trust Ian, I trusted him so much. How could he keep this from me?

“Is everything okay?” I can hear his father’s voice in the hallway, but I’m still staring at the window.

“Yeah dad, Faye’s little brother just called her and he needs her back in NY. It’s an emergency. Can you have mom distract Alex? Faye really doesn’t want to meet him…I mean doesn’t want him to see her like this.” I trust you Ian. I trusted you. I trust you. My entire body feels numb. My mind feels foggy. I can’t feel my le

I wake up in my bed. Ian is sleeping beside me. I don’t know if I should wake him up or run away or go back to sleep. He starts to rustle, as if my thoughts woke him up.

“Please don’t touch me.” His hands fall back to the bed, unsure where to go.

“Faye. Please, I don't know what happened, or what’s still happening.”

I close my eyes and I tell him everything. I tell him how I used to watch someone watch a family that lived across the street from me when I was 13. I tell him how Oscar, the boy that lived across the street, was one of my best friends that I had a crush on in middle school. I tell him how I thought the someone watching just wanted to protect the family, or watch the family because they made him happy. I tell him how I used to sit there and watch him watch them. I tell him how one night, the man, his brother, walked into the house and killed the entire family, shooting each one of them. A 15 year-old girl. A 13 year-old boy and their parents. I tell him how I watched the entire thing happen. I tell him how I have nightmares every single night because of his brother. I tell him how it’s my fault they died, because I did nothing. I tell him that his brother is a murderer.

He looks at me. He doesn’t know what to say. I don’t know what I want him to say. I trusted him, the same way I started to trust his brother and now my heart doesn’t know what to feel.

I thought something was different. I thought he was different.