Smoking Area

Compared to most secondary schools mine was very small. There were no more than 60 of us in a year and most teachers would teach multiple subjects. I enjoyed my time there though. Sometimes it was nice knowing everyone but towards the end of the 5 years, we had all got sick of each other. Our school didn't have a sixth form attached so when it came to choosing an institution for A levels, most of us wanted to go as far away as possible. I had selected a large establishment in Bristol. My sister had gone there as she liked the variety of courses available but my decision was purely based on the social element. I had always been a social person but knowing that I would be 1 of nearly 3000, each student potentially offering a mutual exchange of silly and deep connections, really excited me.

Once I had completed my last GCSE exam, German I think, I had months of summer holidays to enjoy before having to receive my grades allowing me to embark on my new Bristol life. Feeling pretty confident about how my exams went and having lots of friends who live nearby, I spent the next few months living carefree. Some of my friends had large houses which meant we had house parties. Some of us had older siblings or parents who would buy us alcohol and sometimes even some cigarettes. I was living my best life. The weather was great, the 2013 charts were banging and my friends and I just had the best times.

Inevitably though, August came around pretty quickly. I remember waiting for my friend who lived at the top of the road so we could walk to school together. The school was only round the corner but it was nice knowing I could go with someone and talk about our feelings rather than experiencing my anxiety alone. It was weird walking through the gates and down the steep drive. The last time we all would've seen each other would've been in our school uniforms having some boring assembly on study tips. The atmosphere in the hall, which was also the canteen and used for school productions, assemblies, sports, and storage, was different. It wasn't the usual mutual boredom we would share listening to the weekly announcements.

Some people came with parents, some came alone and some didn't come at all. My friend's last name was the other end of the alphabet so we had to go to different ends of the hall to collect our results. I bumped into someone who I wouldn't say was my friend but I don't necessarily dislike. He was ecstatic. His face was beaming with glee. He was so happy. It didn't surprise me that he had done well as you could tell he made a lot of sacrifices to study and in fairness, I was happy for him, he deserved it. I swift through the pile of unenthusiastic brown envelopes and eventually find my name. I was never really the type to spend countless hours revising but I thought I had done enough to get me to Bristol and as I opened the envelope and lifted out the certificates I had!

It was such a nice feeling. I would've been so distraught if I hadn't got the grades as it would mean I would not be able to study in Bristol but luckily I did. I'm not the kind to boast so when people asked how I did I would reply "I'm happy with what I got". You have to be careful sometimes when talking about grades; people like to show off when they've done well, and to some extent, I agree with that - if you have worked hard at something and have done well you should be able to express your feeling about it. But there is nothing worse when someone is bragging about their A* and you get a C and they patronizingly say "aww, well that's still good though". To avoid any hassle I didn't ask anybody if they wanted to tell me they would. I met back up with the friend who I arrived with and she was happy with her results too. Our habits we had picked up over summer kicked in and we decided to have a celebratory cigarette up by the gates.

It was weird looking back at the school and seeing many people happy and hugging their parents because they had done well compared to many students crying with disappointment. It must be a horrible feeling to work hard and not receive the grades expected and having to reassess plans. The weirdest part about collecting our results was knowing that this might be the last time I ever see some of them. I didn't pay this much attention but it was something I noted and often reflect on this day - wondering what some of them are up to these days. But those feelings were overpowered by the knowledge that in a week or so's time I would be starting in Bristol.

The last days of August consisted of making sure I spent time with friends who had decided to go to different colleges. We all exchange feelings of excitement as we have one last party, some of us cry and some of us laugh, but ultimately we all are thrilled about starting our next life phase in different places. My birthday is at the start of September, so apart from getting new folders and notebooks, I wanted my mum to get me some new clothes. Many people use this time as a chance to rebrand themselves. I don't think I was doing that. I just wanted new clothes as I had not had to wear a uniform before.

I think it was 2 days after my 17 birthday I had my first official day. I remember the night before planning what outfit I was going to wear and questioning: what shall I have for breakfast? what time do I need to catch the bus? and if I was going to make friends. As I sat up in my bed messaging some friends who were also going to Bristol we had all said we would meet up at lunchtime and some were making plans amongst themselves to arrive together. I set my alarm for 6:45 am. 15minute for a shower, half an hour to eat breakfast and get ready, and then 20minute to walk to town to catch the 45minute bus. I woke up with a spring in my step. I showered, ate my peanut butter on toast, put my clothes on, pressed play on my playlist, and left the house.

I know lots of people who planned to arrive together but I didn't want to. I wanted to feel everything at this moment myself. I agreed to meet at lunch but I wanted to have my own experiences, at least for the morning. I remember getting on the bus, using my newly assigned student bus pass, and sitting on the left window side where the back of the bus is slightly raised. I had never had to catch the bus for school before. Previously, my school was no more than a 5minute walk away. However, this new college journey consisted of walking to town and then catching the bus on a busy traffic route. I was worried I would be late, that's why I wanted to get there early to avoid any disruptions. As the journey progressed, leaving the city I've known for my whole life and entering Bristol, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts as more and more people got on the bus. I started creating characters in my head. Maybe that girl with the flowery top will be my tutor buddy. Maybe that guy with piercings will invite me to his party.

As the bus approached the college bus stop I could no longer hear my music. The bus was filled with people pressing the stop button and the relentless sound of dings, much to the annoyance of the driver, and everyone scrambled to get off the bus. I didn't exactly know if this was the bus stop I needed to get off at but I made an educated guess based on everyone grabbing their bags. I got up, walked down the bus, thanked the driver, and took a large breath. The bus left the stop and amongst the crowd of excited 16year olds, we all gasped as we saw the signs for the entrance. Some people were already in groups and crossed the road together. I was by myself.

To calm my nerves I started to roll a cigarette. When I was younger I never really thought I would smoke myself. Over the summer when my friends and I had all the freedom in the world we smoked all the time. Being 16 and 17 at college they tell you you are treated more like an adult and we make our decisions, to facilitate this, they had a smoking area. The smoking area was about 5 meters squared of sand-colored decking on the right side of the long drive to the college. I anxiously walked over. I was surprised that there were so many people cramming into this space. I guess college is the first time, for a lot of young people, they can smoke away from home without consequence. Each smoker had a distinct style. Wearing colorful shirts and a rainbow of hairstyles.

I never really experimented with my appearance. I had never dyed my hair or had a piercing but being amongst this crowd of individuality made me at ease. Most people there didn't know each other but bonded over borrowing a lighter. I had originally thought that smoking was antisocial but this instantly dispersed that myth. Someone asked to borrow my lighter and I willingly handed it to him. We exchanged pleasantries and we both said that we were excited but nervous. The time was 8:55 am and the bell sirened across the vast site. We were told in our welcome packs we got sent about a week before that 2 bells would go off. The first was to say that you have 5minutes to get to your first lesson and the second would go off at 9:00 am notifying us that lessons had begun. In my old school, you wouldn't even need 30 seconds to navigate the building but here in Bristol, it was a different story. Everyone put their cigarette butts in the newly polished cigarette ashtray and hastily walked up the drive to our corresponding classrooms.

I think my first lesson was media studies. We didn't necessarily learn anything but we had to all stand up and introduce ourselves. The cringe-worthy icebreakers extended into the second lesson where I was among a new group of people telling anecdotes from their lives. As I listened to people talk about themselves I knew I wouldn't be friends with everyone but the fact I would've met a fair few people brought a smile to my face. In the last 10minutes or so the teacher briefly talked about how the course would be structured. I was eagerly listening but my eyes switched focus to the guy next to me who started rolling a cigarette. Despite having the appropriate equipment I asked him for a filter. Knowing how easy it can be to make friends in the smoking area I took this as an opportunity to befriend him. It worked.

As the bell rang for lunchtime we walked together to the decking and had our cigarettes. We added each other on Facebook and we parted our ways as we met back up with our corresponding friendship groups. I remember everyone cramming into the McDonalds over the road. As my friends and I spoke about the lessons we had just had I would glance across the restaurant and see everyone in their respective groups doing the same as us. When our lunch drew to a close, many people walked past the smoking area and many people specifically headed there. I instinctively rolled myself a cigarette and saw that people were spilling off the smoking area. The decking unable to support the number of people wanting to smoke. I noticed that many people there weren't smoking but I assume they recognized the social value of being in that vicinity.

The rest of the day involved more inductions and introductions. My classmates and I would laugh at teachers who were trying hard to relate to us and zone out when boring teachers would go on and on. I'm sure that would've been apparent wherever I had chosen to study but it was nice being able to establish rapport amongst my peers. As the day ended and seeing the influx of smokers heading toward their haven, I decided that I would just head to the bus stop and make my way home. I recognized a girl from one of my subjects and we sat together on the bus. As we spoke we found out that I knew her cousin, we laughed the whole journey, swapped social media, and organized to meet before our next lesson tomorrow.

As I got home I had felt that today had been successful. I knew I wouldn't become best friends instantly with people but I was happy that I felt like I had set up some building blocks. My parents were pleased that I was pleased but didn't ask too many questions. That night I went to bed with a big smile on my face and was ready for tomorrow. Waking up at the same time as yesterday, deciding to have jam instead of peanut butter, I followed my routine and within the blink of an eye, I was on the bus excited for the day ahead. As people started to get up their seats I knew it was time to roll a cigarette and see what characters would grace me today. I reached into my bag, expecting to pull out some rolling papers, but unfortunately, there was nothing. Flustered and in a panic, I shook my pockets but they were empty. I had left my cigarettes at home.

I was so annoyed at myself. Having a cigarette between lessons to break up the day was going to become my ritual. In a mood, for the first time, I walked past the smoking area and continued up the drive. I bumped into a friend who I remember seeing on results day. I had no idea that we chose the same college. We weren't close but it was nice talking to him. Someone called out his name. This girl approached him. She had dark hair, not black but just a very very dark brown. I don't know what counts as a medium to long hair in terms of length but it went past her shoulder blades. I didn't fancy her or anything but I instantly got a good vibe from her. She asked me who I was and as we exchanged pleasantries she said her name was "Caitlin". I like the name, Caitlin. The girl who lives opposite had the same name so I automatically attached some sense of nostalgia. I mentioned that I was annoyed that I had left my cigarettes at home.

She said she would give me one. She had never met me before and I know some people can be very stingy about hanging out cigarettes but I was honestly overwhelmed with the joy that she offered. She said she was meeting her friend down there and that we should walk down together. Our mutual friend didn't smoke so he met his other friend and went inside the main building. Caitlin and I walked back down the drive and headed to the smoking area. We were not studying any of the same subjects but it was nice chatting with her. Her voice was soft and she had intelligent humor which meant we instantly got along. As we approached the smoking area Cailtin called out to her friend. This boy emerged from the crowd and came to us. I noticed that it was the same guy who asked me for a lighter the day before. Small world. The 3 of us started chatting and Caitlin handed me her cigarette stuff so that I could roll my own. I constantly thanked her and she humbly told me it was no bother. I opened her tobacco pouch and there was only enough for 1 cigarette. I gave it back immediately and said that I couldn't take the last one. "Don't be silly" she said as she handed her stuff back to me. It was at that moment I knew I couldn't let someone so selfless out of my life. Fast forward 7 and a bit years later, we still talk all the time and reminisce about crazy mad college parties. We are even planning to move to London together eventually and when I bring Caitlin up in conversation I always refer to the moment she gave me her last cigarette.

It was from then on I realized I had made a friend for life. She didn't think that much of it but to me, it was such a big thing. Her level of generosity and loving nature is something I strive for on an everyday basis. She stayed with me until I had finished my cigarette, the first bell rang and a tsunami of students fled to their classrooms. We said goodbye to each other and planned to meet up during lunchtime. My first part of the day was meeting my tutor group. Our tutors had a varied role within the college. They acted as a pastoral guide, a friend and would update us on world events and relevant information across the institution. He started by introducing himself. He had made a very flashy PowerPoint about his life and got everyone to briefly talk about themselves. I decided to sit next to this girl who had short white hair. She was quite small in size and oozed charisma.

The tutor gave us a task to work in groups of 4 or 5. I assumed the two of us would work together and she asked the people who sat in our row to join the group. As the session progressed none of us had done the work but we had spent the whole time just chatting. The tutor didn't mind as that was probably the objective of the session - to make friends. We decided to have lunch together. I said I was going to meet my friend, Caitlin, but we all made our way down together. As we were all walking down the drive, people walking in their newly formed groups, the girl who I had originally sat next to shouted "Caitlin!".

Caitlin, the girl who had ever so kindly gave me her last cigarette earlier, appeared from the smoking area crowd. I didn't acknowledge that my new tutor friend might know the cigarette girl. They went to school together. I'm sure they didn't think it was a big deal but to me already making friends and them knowing each other was huge. I was also still stunned that Caitlin knew the guy with whom I lent my lighter. We all said "hi" to each other. Some of the other people who I had met in tutor started talking to their friends in the smoking area. I was amazed that everyone had their links with one another. I didn't want to ask for another cigarette but the need to have one was definitely apparent. "There is a dodgy off-license round the corner, they won't ask for ID," someone said. I didn't catch this person's name, they were friends with someone who was in my tutor group. At this point, we had merged and formed a large group occupying half of the smoking area.

Some went over to McDonald's and some stayed to enjoy the ever-growing friendships of 'smokers'. I was set on going to the shop to test my confidence in the acquisition of cigarettes. I didn't want to go alone. I didn't ask Caitlin but she just naturally walked with me. I was glad she did and all I could think about was how lovely this girl was. I was proud of myself that I had made friends with such a genuine person. "How are you finding being here at college Charlie?" she asked. I replied, "I'm loving it! I know we just met but I'm glad we're becoming friends!". "I think it's amazing that even within a day I'm making friends with people and those people kind of know each other, maybe one day we'll form a super-group of friends" I added. I know that would've sounded lame but it was the truth. I was just happy that I was just making friends. "aww, that is so sweet Charlie, I'm glad I met you too and I'm looking forward to sharing memories with you" Caitlin said.

That conversation stays with me to this day. I've had friends in the past who, not always, have been friends out of convenience. In my previous school, friendships were very limited. I knew that this friendship would be different. As we left the shop with a half-lit sign and poorly refrigerated drinks, I wanted to return the cigarette favor and handed her my stuff. "Thanks, Charlie!" she said with a smile on her face. "Caitlin, from this day on, you never have to ask or thank me for a cigarette. You have no idea what letting me have your last one this morning meant to be". We smiled at each other and instantly burst out laughing. Nothing, in particular, was funny about that exchange but I think it was the exact moment our 'vibes' aligned and a solid friendship was forming. We laughed the whole way back to the smoking area.

The rest of the day consisted of more subject introductions and meeting new people. By 4:00 pm this had become tedious. I didn't see Caitlin for the rest of the day. My friend had messaged me to catch the bus together. I met him outside reception. As I waited for him my friends from the tutor group stopped and chatted. They asked if I wanted to go to town with them. I did want to go but I was meeting my friend to travel home with. They asked for my social media so we could arrange to meet up in the week. Deep down I was over the moon but I tried to play it cool and responded with"Yeah cool man". They left and I could see my friend descending down the main staircase. He didn't smoke so we walked past the smoking area but my eyes instinctively looked over. Dozens of new groups were coming and going from 'smokers' bringing a smile to my face as I thought maybe one day I'll become friends with all of them.

My friend doesn't talk too much. I would like to think of myself as a sociable person but I recognize some people are more introverted. As we ventured on our bus journey I asked if he was enjoying college so far. "It's alright" he replied. I could tell he wasn't that interested in conversation so I left him to it. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. As I lifted it out, I saw that I had a friend request. It was Caitlin! When I pressed 'confirm' I felt that I had been triumphant in achieving my main objective, to make friends. We started messaging. I don't remember what we spoke about for the whole journey, but I know I was entertained. As my friend and I parted ways and I eventually got home, my parents asked how college was. "Amazing!" I enthusiastically responded. "Any particular reason why?" they asked. "I made a friend today, I really nice one. She lent me a cigarette and it was her last." I replied. Like most people and even Caitlin herself, I don't think others will understand what that simple act of giving me a cigarette meant to me.

I ran to my room, chucked my bag on the floor, and jumped on the bed. I led on my front with feet hanging off the end and spent hours on my phone. I had received many friend requests. Some were from the tutor group and some were from my lessons. I even had requests from people I didn't know but we had mutual friends so I accepted. Each confirmation added to my already beaming smile but the friend who brought me the most joy was Caitlin. We messaged all through the night. We sent each other funny pictures and swapped embarrassing stories. As the early hours approached we both knew it was time to go to bed so that we could carry on in person in the morning. I tiptoe to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. As I lowered myself into bed I checked my phone one last time to see if I had any other requests, I stupidly dropped my phone. The torch on my phone lit up the room. As I got up out of bed to grab my phone I saw something in the corner of the room. I had finally found my cigarettes. They were void to me at this point as Caitlin and I bought some from the shop at lunchtime. I, again, replayed her kind gesture in my head and had one of the best night sleeps I had ever had.

I know this act of kindness is small and uneventful when you compare it to people who donate an organ or help an elderly person with their shopping, but this gesture gave me such a feeling of friendship which I will forever cherish and have struggled to find even 7 years later.