Smoke and Mirrors

I’ve always been a private person. When people I know add me on IG, their first response is usually “woah, you have like, thousands of followers??”

It’s true, I do have a substantial following for someone who’s rarely online. I’m now making a comeback and would love to keep it growing, but not with the same intent as when I started.

My account blew up back in 2015, when I was following the Chive and saw a girl on there with a similar body as me. All I did was comment on her picture, “she’s got the same boobs as me lol”. Within a day I had over 500 people who started following my account. I thought “wow, imagine how many I’d have if I posted more pics of myself.” So that’s what I did. It became like a competition to myself, seeing how many likes, followers, and people who reached out every day.

The truth is, I was extremely insecure during that part of my life. I was struggling with past sexual trauma, an alcohol addiction, and even though I had just gotten married that year, things were already falling apart. My alcoholism made me an angry person, and I got into a lot of fights with my husband and people while out at the bars. Getting lost in the online world made me feel better about myself and gave me something to look forward to, even though now looking back it really wasn’t good for my spirit. Sure, I got a few modeling gigs and met some cool people, but the things posted were only a small fraction of what was actually happening in my life.

I topped my IG account at 12k followers. While I know that’s small compared to some of the other influencers, it was big for a small town girl like me who wasn’t trying to sell you something. I got popular because of my breasts (let’s be real), because I was always in a bikini at the beach or out fishing, and most of my followers are men.

I was fine with that, in fact at the time I liked the attention. And while my husband was supportive and encouraged me to model, overall it started hurting our relationship. I admit that I spent way too much time online than paying attention to him, and I made him feel like he was in second place, when he always made me feel in first. Unfortunately, it took being separated and almost divorced to finally figure that out.

Fast forward to now and I’m a completely different person than I was in 2015, and I’m glad. My husband and I bought a house, I graduated with my Master’s degree, and we now have a beautiful baby boy. I went through years of counseling while I was completing my Master’s. I came to terms with the sexual abuse I had experienced and beat my alcohol addiction. I still do drink socially on occasion, but I don’t depend on it anymore, which is an empowering and freeing feeling.

I know now that life has so much more in store for me, and I have dedicated my life to helping others who are struggling. For a long time I thought about deleting my IG account, but I thought maybe in the future it could be used for something good. After finding this Vocal platform, I realized it’s the perfect way to connect with others through writing about my experiences. There’s so many different categories on here and I’ve got a lot of stories to tell. I’m hoping to help people through my experiences. To tell you that even if you’re hurting, things CAN get better. To empower you to find your true selves and not be afraid to just be yourself.

I am so excited to start, and I hope you enjoy my posts. Know this, I’ll always be real with you. Whatever I post about comes from the heart. Feel free to ask me anything on my IG account, I’d love to hear from you!

@chromerose

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